http://ktrailer.blogspot.com/2011/08/creature-2011.html

MY CALL:  This flick is like an homage to 80s campy horror.  The story is laughably dumb, the monster isn’t credible (even for B-horror), and every female member of the cast gets naked.  That said, I was transported to my mother’s basement and a teenage state of mind that allowed me to enjoy this for what it is, a deliberately campy horror flick.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Enjoy some cabin camping with Evil Dead (2013), The Cabin in the Woods (2012), Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010) and Cabin Fever (2002).

In the spirit of good taste and classic horror campiness, this movie follows in the bold footsteps of The Funhouse (1981) and Of Unknown Origin (1983) by opening with a gratuitous nudity scene.  Not just a couple nips either; you see EVERYTHING.  I think I could see her uterus.  LMFAO.  After what felt like minutes of watching this beautiful woman swimming naked in a swamp–who does that anyway–she comes to a gruesome end.

Needless to say, I’m not expecting much from a movie that resorts to such tactics.  But, then again, both The Funhouse (1981) and Of Unknown Origin (1983) did the same thing and they turned out to be great (as far as low budget 80s horror goes).

Following the classic Wrong Turn/Hills Have Eyes/Texas Chainsaw formula, a group of six twenty-somethings (three couples) are on a road trip and, just like The Cabin in the Woods taught us, meet the harbinger of bad things to come but don’t bat an eye at him.  In this case, the harbinger is cameo’d by Sid Haig (Galaxy of Terror, Lords of Salem) and his backwater gas station shop workers.  Pruitt Taylor Vince (Identity, Constantine) plays another of the local crazies.

http://ktrailer.blogspot.com/2011/08/creature-2011.html

Our attractive victims include Mehcad Brooks (True Blood), Serinda Swan (Tron: Legacy, Percy Jackson and the Olympians), Amanda Fuller (Freerunner), Aaron Hill (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), Lauren Schneider (Red White & Blue) and Dillon Casey…oh, and a lot of their skin.

http://ktrailer.blogspot.com/2011/08/creature-2011.html

So what’s hunting our attractive cast?  Some mutated alligator man of Louisiana bayou folklore complete with a flashback backstory for an extra bit of flavor.  It’s lame, but I’m entertained nonetheless.  It’s stupidity actually functions as its charm.

http://macabrebros.wordpress.com/2012/08/19/creature-2011/
Oh, what a surprise, it wants to mate.

Our cast make their way to the scariest cabin in the woods since the Evil Dead cabin.  Of course, they decide to spend the night.  However, I maintain that any other stylish group of people like these would decide to sleep in the car over a filthy, decrepit, moss-covered lean-to of a shanty house.  At this point our alligator man isn’t sure if he’s supposed to kill them.  But then they started drinking and smoking pot, so…yeah, according to the Horror Movie Playbook now he knows to kill them.  Throw in some drunk girl on girl action and you know they’re goners!

http://bmoviesofthedigitalage.blogspot.com/2012/03/creature-2011.html

As for the monster, we never see much of it in the first half of the movie.  Instead, we see something out of focus move in the background, a close-up of a monstrous claw, some blood splashes on the wall and then, finally, a bloody claw.  It’s typical low budget fare.  When we are graced with full body shots of the monster, it’s during ill-lit night scenes to mask the “guy in the rubber suit” monster make-up.  The rubber suit is pretty bad.  Needless to say, I wasn’t at all impressed with the effects.  I’ve seen much better work on ScyFy’s Face Off.

http://richmwaters.blogspot.com/2013/02/instant-reaction-creature-2011.html

http://monsterminions.wordpress.com/2011/10/04/creature-2011/the-creature-2/

But don’t worry, they make up for that with a tragically awful ending.

Let’s face it.  This wasn’t good.  But I was actually entertained by how classically not good it was.

http://moviesfilmsandflix.com/2012/03/28/trailer-talk-thale-2012/

MY CALL:  This movie was pretty “neat” but ultimately lacked the impressive storytelling (of Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale), character development (of Let The Right One In) or creature-based intrigue (of Troll Hunter) of other genre-fan-acclaimed Scandinavian favorites.  If you like any of these other movies then you’ll probably find Thale‘s allure to be irresistible.  Just set your expectations appropriately for more of a good idea presented as a single-serving; almost an extended one-act augmented by flavorful flashbacks.  IF YOU LIKE THIS THEN WATCH:  Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010), Let The Right One In (2008; remade as Let Me in (2010) stateside) and Troll Hunter (2010) are three more Scandinavian approaches to folklore taken seriously in modern settings.  Way out of left field, but Deadgirl (2008) has an oddly similar and impressive female role.  PRODUCT NOTE:  I bought the DVD/BluRay combo and the English dubbing was not very good, smacking of the wooden English voiceovers of Anime.

http://moviesfilmsandflix.com/2012/03/28/trailer-talk-thale-2012/

Leo (Jon Sigve Skard) and Elvis (Erlend Nervold) run “No Shit Cleaning Service.”  They are basically a dead body clean-up crew and Leo is much more strong-stomached than his queasy partner.  On one of their jobs disposing of a dead man they come across an underground dwelling that looks like a mix of a science lab and a bomb shelter complete with weird recordings as if made by a researcher on his stenograph.  While exploring this “lab” they find a strange, mute, naked woman (Silje Reinåmo; Bak lukkede dører) hiding in a bathtub.

http://fascinationwithfear.blogspot.com/2012/11/thale-2012-real-reason-to-avoid.html

http://blackspothorror.wordpress.com/2013/04/17/notes-from-a-night-of-horror-2013-thale/

The recordings reveal that she is “Thale”, that she has been down there for decades without food, and that there are others like her and that they want her–or something from her.  Thale possesses preternatural strength and the gift of ESP/Telepathy, which she uses to communicate to Elvis why she was being kept down in that bunker.

As Leo and Elvis try to figure out exactly who (or even what) Thale is, their stay in the bunker becomes a fight for survival against “something or someone.”  Meanwhile, we gradually learn more about Thale, her origin and those who seek her.

Much to my surprise, Silje Reinåmo spends a lot of this movie at least partially naked, portraying the serious and challenging role of a creature that doesn’t speak but is filled with fear and curiosity.  She communicates a powerful range of emotions with her physical demeanor, facial expressions, and especially her eyes.  She does a fantastic job with her almost alien expressions and movements that resemble a feral, animalistic early adolescence.  This role reminds me of Jenny Spain‘s starring role in Deadgirl (2008), during which Spain faced even more challenging and limiting restrictions.

http://nordicfantasy.wordpress.com/2012/03/19/a-tale-of-a-tail-thale-explained/

Another shock was decent creature effects.  It was all CGI, but done well (except for the action, when the quality degenerated).  This struck me as a lower mid-budget film, so I forgave that.

http://horror101withdrac.blogspot.com/2013/04/thale-2012-movie-review.html

This movie was pretty “neat” but ultimately lacked the impressive storytelling (of Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale), character development (of Let The Right One In) or creature-based intrigue (of Troll Hunter) of other genre fan-acclaimed Scandinavian favorites.  If you like any of these other movies then you’ll probably find Thale‘s allure to be irresistible.  Just set your expectations appropriately for more of a good idea presented as a single-serving; almost an extended one-act augmented by flavorful flashbacks.

*             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *

http://nordicfantasy.wordpress.com/2012/03/19/a-tale-of-a-tail-thale-explained/
Silje Reinåmo as Thale, our resident Huldra.

A look at the mythology behind Thale…

This section was written before I saw the movie and, thus, contains no direct spoilers.

According to an online source the title Thale is pronounced as “tail” (but with a “th” in the movie) and, in Norwegian, means “of noble disposition,” in this case referring to the different species that the huldra represents.  Clever.

The story from the folklore is called “Huldra.” A hulder/huldra is a woman with a cow tail who lives in the woods.  Hulders wait to encounter woodsmen, seduce them with their terrestrial siren song, and presumably kill them as the woodsmen never return to their village.  I wonder how deep into the movie our boys will figure this out…or will it even be a factor in the movie?

http://fascinationwithfear.blogspot.com/2012/11/thale-2012-real-reason-to-avoid.html
Nope.  He didn’t figure it out yet.

There are variations on the mythology.  In some stories the huldra lures men into the forest for sexual encounters, rewarding the satisfactory men and killing the poor performers. In other stories they kidnap men or lure them to the underworld.  Other accounts involve stealing newborns and replacing them with their own ugly “huldra-born” children, forced marriages with humans, hybrid offspring, and even happily ever afters with Christian men.  There are even different physical forms, or species or races (?), of huldras.

After my online research and before seeing this movie, I was expecting a more “horrific” angle of this mythology than even the trailer suggested; perhaps a beautiful creature with a dangerous appetite.  Some of the images and clips floating around the internet of a (??perhaps “transformed”?? ) huldra almost remind me of Species.

http://nordicfantasy.wordpress.com/2012/03/19/a-tale-of-a-tail-thale-explained/

http://robbinsrealm.wordpress.com/2012/09/15/an-american-werewolf-in-london/

MY CALL:  Well, if you’re in the market for a great werewolf movie that has a sense of humor, then see An American Werewolf in London (1981)–hands down the best werewolf movie ever made!  [A+]  IF YOU LIKE THIS THEN WATCH:  Second best might be The Howling (1981), which takes itself quite seriously.  Another fun one is Cursed (2005), which is loaded with clichés and honors many past horror flicks.   Ginger Snaps (2000) is a metaphor for puberty, Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed (2004) is a worthy sequel that takes a strange turn, and An American Werewolf in Paris (1997) serves as a coming of manhood from college man-childhood–but it’s more of a positive journey.  If you want another utterly ridiculous werewolf movie, then move on to Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985) and Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987).  But skip Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988), Howling V: The Rebirth (1989), Howling VI: The Freaks (1991) and The Howling: Reborn (2011).

Steering clear of formulaic horror movie plot clichés, An American Werewolf in London avoids immature promiscuous summer campers and delinquent drug-using twenty-somethings with loose morals as we are introduced to our protagonists David (David Naughton; Ice Cream Man, Big Bad Wolf) and Jack (Griffin Dunne; 40 Days and 40 Nights).  Yes, they’re twenty-somethings.  And yes, they have their quippy repartees.  But their immaturity is no more than an otherwise responsible pair of men enjoying a night of manhood away from the wife and kids.  They’re actually somewhat mature when things aren’t crazy.

http://robbinsrealm.wordpress.com/2012/09/15/an-american-werewolf-in-london/
Oh, yes!  Let’s stop there for a drink. That’s a great idea!

http://robbinsrealm.wordpress.com/2012/09/15/an-american-werewolf-in-london/

They unintentionally make their way to The Slaughtered Lamb Pub, a northern Englishman’s locals-only sort of place adorned with a pentacle on the wall.  They are a backwoodsy, superstitious and secretive lot.  More fearful of the locals than anything they could encounter among the full moon, dreary weather and local fauna, they flee into the wilderness to be met with some sort of animal attack.  David in injured by this “animal.”

http://robbinsrealm.wordpress.com/2012/09/15/an-american-werewolf-in-london/

During his recovery David dreams about some in-the-buff jaunts in the forest followed by some very disturbing visions of evil “werewolf soldiers.”  As clearly indicated by the movie’s title, this recovery occurs in London, he occasionally turns into a werewolf and people get eaten.  David’s lovely nurse Alex (Jenny Agutter; Logan’s Run, Child’s Play 2) takes a shining to him and invites him to stay with her.

http://fandangogroovers.wordpress.com/2012/08/31/once-in-a-blue-moon/

While David lives with the curse of lycanthropy, his victims are also cursed.  These now undead victims appear before David, flayed and gory, and serve as an “everything you ever wanted to know about werewolves, full moons and lycanthropy” guide.  As we see David’s undead victims throughout the film their level of decomposition advances and you can’t help but to smile when they point that out.  Great make-up, by the way!    Sprinkling more comedic charm on this gory horror are the sharp-tongued jokes and off color behavior of David’s haunters.

http://iwrotesomestuff.wordpress.com/2013/03/17/top-10-comedy-horror/

http://matineeidles.wordpress.com/2011/10/27/episode-43-an-american-werewolf-in-london/

The transformation scenes are really something.  We see his hands slowly elongate and HEAR his bones  and tendons stretching, giving root to the maddening pain he seems to be going through–shit, I almost FELT it myself.  So then, when his vertebrae elevate, his shoulder blades protrude and his skull begins to elongate you predict more pain as if you were watching someone brace themselves before resetting your dislocated shoulder.  His nudity during this scene properly conveys his vulnerability and you genuinely feel sympathy for all of his suffering.  All the while, some ironically pleasant music is playing in the background on Alex’s record player in her kitschy living room.

http://exclamationmark.wordpress.com/2006/09/10/an-american-werewolf-in-london-1981/

http://socialpsychol.wordpress.com/2011/08/23/an-american-werewolf-in-london-bts/an-american-werewolf-in-london-banner-poster/

http://iwakeupscreaming.wordpress.com/tag/an-american-werewolf-in-london/

http://rousedtomediocrity.wordpress.com/page/36/

Fully transformed, he looks like a wolf after an “evil” HGH binge on chest and arms day.  But not so much like a wolf-man.  This is a nice change of pace even when compared to today’s werewolves in which our shapeshifters become regular-sized normal looking wolves (e.g., Hemlock Grove), giant normal looking wolves (e.g., the Twilight Saga, Red Riding Hood), wolves from a twisted R-rated Alice in Wonderland (e.g., Ginger Snaps), classic wolfmen (e.g., The Wolfman, Wolf, Teen Wolf), the wolfman on steroids (e.g., Van Helsing, Cursed) or the reversed man-wolf (e.g., the Underworld series, Being Human, An American Werewolf in Paris).

http://davidkesslermustdie.wordpress.com/2011/03/12/7/

http://billsmovieemporium.wordpress.com/2010/10/21/review-an-american-werewolf-in-london-1981/

Writer/director John Landis is epic in comedy–having brought us Animal House (1978), The Blues Brothers (1979), Trading Places (1983) and Coming to America (1986) to name a few–and he’s even had other successful forays in a least semi-humorous or satirical horror (e.g., The Twilight Zone movie, Innocent Blood), but I find it stunning that he was responsible for the greatest werewolf movie of all time!  And this is hardly just my opinion.  While some favor The Howling (1981) or Ginger Snaps (2000), online lists tend to include London in the top five or six (if not #1) more than any other.

http://iwakeupscreaming.wordpress.com/tag/an-american-werewolf-in-london/
The Undying Monster (1942)

The story is good, but clearly not without some forgivable issues.  What made this movie truly great was Landis’ ability to be brilliantly funny at times, while keeping a straight, serious, even brutal tone during the violent, rending scenes, the wincing transformation and the final scene with nurse Alex and David such that I wouldn’t dare call this a straight up horror-comedy or a satire; simply a great, very serious werewolf movie that also happens to be often funny when things aren’t dire.

It doesn’t matter how old you are.  The effects truly hold up and stand the test of time so don’t worry that the lack of CGI will make it uncool.  Just see it!!!

http://danhairfield.wordpress.com/2013/03/19/john-dies-at-the-end-theyre-sorry-for-anything-thats-about-to-happen-2013/

MY CALL: If you enjoy weird, random, funny, sci-fi, grossout-y stuff, then this odd film is probably for you.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Here are a few movies that share some of the qualities of this.  The Watch (2012; zany aliens), Donnie Darko (2001; uber-psychological cosmic trippy weirdness), Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998; trippy), The Salton Sea (2002; trippy at times).

First, a disclaimer:  I have not read the fan-favorite book by David Wong.  I didn’t even know there was a book until after seeing this film.  It seems that a lot of reviewers who were fans of the book were disappointed by this movie “as an adaptation.”  However, being ignorant of the book, I thought the movie was fine…

http://danhairfield.wordpress.com/2013/03/19/john-dies-at-the-end-theyre-sorry-for-anything-thats-about-to-happen-2013/
Meet Dave, a weird guy who meets weird people in weird places.

Two well-cast young actors performed fantastically as our protagonists John and Dave, who have some very strange talents in David Wong’s adapted story.  They’re clairvoyant…among other things…sort of…it’s hard to explain.  A new street drug called “soy sauce” opens doors to other dimensions and melds time…no, not just by your perception, but ACTUALLY…but only when someone is doing the drug….wait…does this make sense?  Long story short, this makes for some weird shit.  The sauce is what grants John and Dave their seemingly prophetic psychic talents which include communicating with the dead and a knowledge of the unknowable.

http://randyraisch.wordpress.com/2013/03/31/john-dies-in-the-end-2012/
Dave and John.

http://monsterminions.wordpress.com/2013/01/15/john-dies-at-the-end-2012/
Soy Sauce

This movie is like an American, softer-R version of Tokyo Gore Shock (e.g., Tokyo Gore Police, Dead Sushi).  Lots of weird, gross, inappropriate things happen all over the place.  A door handle transmutes into a penis and testicles, a bunch of meat from a freezer assembles like Voltron into a meat monster, a woman randomly turns into a bunch of snakes…

http://fascinationwithfear.blogspot.com/2013/01/john-dies-at-end-2012-please-pass-soy.html
Meat Monster

We also get vomit, weird gross mutant monsters, flying mustache-bats, dismemberment, cartoon gore and weird slug monsters (even better than the killer slugs from Slugs).  I was especially fond of “the bratwurst scene.”  It’s understated and brief, but hilarious and brilliant.  There’s a lot of stuff like that in this film.

http://trashfilmaddict.blogspot.com/2013/02/rip-bark-lee-john-dies-at-end-2012.html
“Hello…?  Must be a bad connection.”

Very much unlike Tokyo Gore Shock movies, this film actually had some clever writing and was entertaining when weird special effects weren’t driving the scenes.  There didn’t seem to be much in the way of character development, but the actors did very well with what they were given.  The story also seemed to get a little bit shaky and forced in the last 20-30 minutes.  It felt like they were trying to shoehorn too many subplot resolutions into one movie ending.  But I enjoyed it anyway.  Paul Giamatti (Win Win, Rock of Ages) was great as Arnie, skeptical of Dave’s psychedelic (or psychotic) claims.  But after a little convincing things get interesting.

http://thegeekiary.com/2013/03/03/john-dies-at-the-end-has-broken-my-heart/comment-page-1/

Cameos include the very strange Roger North (Doug Jones; The Watch, Hellboy), who tries to orient Dave to the madness of the merging dimensions.  Speaking of madness, Clancy Brown (Green Lantern, Cowboys and Aliens) makes a totally random cameo as a zany mentalist.

This is one of those movies that starts out weird, as things are explained it somehow gets weirder, and then it gets weirder still!  It’s sort of like a rated R, semi-serious version of Dude Where’s My Car (2000) with some quasi-Cthulu elements.

If you enjoy weird, random, funny, sci-fi, grossout-y stuff, then this odd film is probably for you.  I was intentionally unrevealing about this film because there is a lot that could be ruined by spoilers.  So, if you feel uninformed, just know I did it for you.

http://horrorflickreviews.wordpress.com/2011/10/05/the-texas-chainsaw-massacre-1974/

MY CALL:  If you claim to love horror movies and have not seen this film by modern horror pioneer Tobe Hooper, then you are simply lying to yourself!  This not only changed the flavor and face of horror, but changed how everyone would make horror movies for the next 40 years.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  The Hills Have Eyes series (1977, 1984, 2006, 2007) and Wrong Turn (2003).

I often refer to the “classic Wrong Turn/Hills Have Eyes/Texas Chainsaw“ formula in which a group of four to six twenty-somethings (often including one or two couples) go on a road trip out in some backwoods-y wilderness and, just like The Cabin in the Woods taught us, meet a harbinger of bad things to come.  This harbinger comes in the form of an iffy hitch hiker, a weird gas station attendant missing some teeth with open wounds on his face or a clearly inbred shop owner who awkwardly ogles the girls, gives the stank eye to the guys, and seems angry by their very presence.  But these soon-to-be victims don’t bat an eye at him nor do they hesitate to enter dilapidated homes festooned with warning signs.

http://horrorflickreviews.wordpress.com/2011/10/05/the-texas-chainsaw-massacre-1974/

Well…this is the movie.  Director Tobe Hooper (Poltergeist, The Funhouse, Lifeforce, Salem’s Lot) cast this classic mold with The Teas Chainsaw Massacre.  This model has been sampled by so many filmmakers that it honestly seems that any horror flick that isn’t a haunting, possession or house movie has a 50/50 shot of using this model as if it was simply “the way” to make a scary movie.

So let’s meet our victims…  Sally Hardesty (Marylin Burns; Eaten Alive, Future-Kill), Franklin Hardesty (Paul A. Partain; Texas Chainsaw 3-D), Jerry, Kirk (William Vail; Poltergeist, Mausoleum) and Pam (Teri McMinn) travel to Sally and Franklin’s grandpa’s old house where they are terrorized by a chainsaw wielding killer and the Sawyer family of grave-robbing cannibals.

http://horrorflickreviews.wordpress.com/2011/10/05/the-texas-chainsaw-massacre-1974/

http://thewolfmancometh.com/2010/10/25/the-texas-chain-saw-massacre-1974/

As Sally, Marylin Burns gets put through the ringer.  The 70s and 80s were really good at physically testing their female leads (e.g., I Spit on Your Grave, The Last House on the Left).  She runs a lot, watches her brother’s brutal murder, falls out of a second story window, screams to no end, gets beaten and bound, beaten in a burlap sack, has blood sucked from her finger by grandpa Sawyer, gets hit in the head with a hammer, and ultimately transforms into a sweaty, twitchy, blood-drenched, hysterical mess.

http://cinematicthoughts.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-texas-chain-saw-massacre-1974-tobe.html

http://killerhorrormovie.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-texas-chainsaw-massacre-1974-2013.html

Horror master Tobe Hooper brought us this classic, brutal slasher-horror which accomplished something that we really didn’t have before: horror in broad daylight.  And that’s not all!  Hooper’s man-child menace Leatherface (Gunnar Hanson; Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Texas Chainsaw 3-D) brought us all the terror with none of the foreplay.

http://killerhorrormovie.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-texas-chainsaw-massacre-1974-2013.html
Great scene!  Instilling terror on a beautiful sunny day.

Conventional, well-orchestrated horror and slasher flicks gradually build tension, giving the audience time to anticipate and dread whatever horrors lurk around the corner for the guy who will “be right back.”  Instead, Leatherface whips open the door, drags a woman into the basement and impales her onto a meat hook (screaming!) so quickly that our subconscious hardly knows how to react.  Leatherface is the perfect anthropomorphization of menace.

http://horrorflickreviews.wordpress.com/2011/10/05/the-texas-chainsaw-massacre-1974/

Such scenes of unorthodox, blatant, undelayed brutality shaped a new shocking style of horror that has historically left many leaving theaters rocking back and forth in need of therapy.  I mean, Leatherface chainsaws a guy in a wheelchair.  Who does that!?!

Among so many other things, Tobe Hooper brought us an often duplicated shot: the rear approach of the deadly house.

http://thewolfmancometh.com/2010/10/25/the-texas-chain-saw-massacre-1974/
Here, Hooper does this rather tastefully.

http://thewolfmancometh.com/2012/10/01/the-texas-chainsaw-massacre-2003-review/
Later iterations of the franchise were a little less tactful when it came to framing this shot, starring Jessica Biel’s butt.

Lovers of the Hostel series, the Saw series, the Wrong Turn series, The Hills Have Eyes series or other such fare should pay homage to this forefather of torture porn, brutality and the classic horror paradigm.

http://starreviews.wordpress.com/tag/the-texas-chainsaw-massacre/

http://trustmovies.blogspot.com/2011/06/andre-vredals-troll-hunter-harvests-low.html

MY CALL:  Good special effects, a dash of realistic biology and an interesting story make Trollhunter that which I always strive to find: something entertaining and unlike anything else I’ve seen.  Clutch writing makes the characters as interesting as the monsters—a task which I feel is generally difficult.  This film gets a solid, John-approved “A”.  IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH:  Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) and Thale (2012).  Both are also Scandinavian folklore-themed movies.

The movie opens with a mood-setting disclaimer that it was formed by chronologically assembling footage left behind by an anti-Mythbusters documentary film crew from the University of Volda.  How very Norse-Blair Witch Project meets Cloverfield of them.  The camerawork has all of the appeal of Cloverfield without the headache-inducing shakiness (except when briefly appropriate, for example, running from a troll!).

http://trustmovies.blogspot.com/2011/06/andre-vredals-troll-hunter-harvests-low.html

This film follows a group of student filmmakers as they follow Hans.  Originally suspected of being a bear poacher, Hans is actually a somewhat bitter, poorly paid government employee charged with “troll management”.  This sounds slapstick-ridiculous, but I swear it is delivered very well with a straight face.  Hans is charged with tracking and killing trolls that have wandered from their government-delineated territory—like a secret wildlife preserve.  He hopes that filming these creatures and informing the public could improve future troll management strategies…that, and he’s clearly sick of the secrecy and, perhaps, being under-appreciated.

Like a teenager on his first hunting trip with dad, they follow Hans’ instructions and wash their armpits and crotch thoroughly before applying “troll scent” which, by their reactions, likely smells like a melted corpse.  One last piece of advice: don’t be a Christian.  Evidently trolls hate Christians and all things Christian.  Muslims, on the other hand, should be okay.

http://trustmovies.blogspot.com/2011/06/andre-vredals-troll-hunter-harvests-low.html

http://throughherribcage.blogspot.com/2012/02/trollhunter-2011.html

The depictions of the trolls stayed in the true spirit of classic folklore.  But still there was a subtle attempt to explain a bit about troll biology.  As a biologist, I found this charming.  The extra heads (accessory organs, really) that some trolls develop throughout their life cycle assist them in peacocking to impress females and to intimidate other trolls.  There are also two species (groups), each with various subspecies (types), of trolls.  In as detailed a manner as one could expect from a movie like this, they even explain why trolls turn to stone when exposed to ultraviolet light (and why some explode instead).  Troll detection, tracking, various baiting techniques, gestation periods, intelligence, and the simple fact that they are mammals are all addressed, even if only briefly.  It’s all very cool, understated, and strangely realistic–despite the trolls.

http://trustmovies.blogspot.com/2011/06/andre-vredals-troll-hunter-harvests-low.html

http://throughherribcage.blogspot.com/2012/02/trollhunter-2011.html

The behavior and variety of the trolls they encounter make this film feel like Where the Wild Things Are for fanboys.  There are several different troll scenes and the types of trolls differ as much as the circumstances of their encounter.  While the effects are not amazing, they are every bit as good as they need to be to maintain the credibility of a world in which trolls exist and, more importantly, to keep us entertained.  I never felt that the effects “could have been better”.

If you like monster movies then this is a MUST SEE for you!

http://trustmovies.blogspot.com/2011/06/andre-vredals-troll-hunter-harvests-low.html

http://bettybloodletter.blogspot.com/2012/09/hellgate.html

MY CALL:  This totally random WTF-style horror movie is often intentionally funny and embraces its own campiness with extra cheese.  If you love bad old school horror, then you should embrace this, too.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Other WTF-style horror movies such as The Sentinel (1977; serious).  The Nesting (1981; serious), The Outing (1987; funny), Deadly Blessing (1981; funny), The Possessed (1975; funny), Xtro (1983; weird) and Superstition (1982; funny).

http://bettybloodletter.blogspot.com/2012/09/hellgate.html

This rather tasteless, tactless schlock flick begins when in 1957 when some bikers kidnap a local young beauty named Josie and bring her to the town of Hellgate.  Things get out of hand during a rape-y game of cat and mouse and Josie is accidentally killed.  Josie’s bereft father comes across some dumb magical glowy crystal which reanimates the dead and turns goldfish and sea turtles into giant mutant zombie monsters that explode.

http://bettybloodletter.blogspot.com/2012/09/hellgate.html
Mutant goldfish zombie

With his newfound powers of resurrection, he brings his daughter back as a slutty well-preserved zombie that lures men to Hellgate to enjoy…ummmm…her.  The down side is that now you have to meet her father, who looks a bit like Dr. Doom with chunks of metal on his face and a metal arm–evidently replacement parts for injuries suffered from his exploding reanimated zombie pets.  Dad gets homicidal whenever Josie drops her top.

http://bettybloodletter.blogspot.com/2012/09/hellgate.html
Daddy Dearest

Well after 37 years of her slutty antics, Josie meets Matt (Ron Palillo; Friday the 13th Part VI), takes him home, drops her top and decides that she really likes him.  So she keeps her dad at bay while he makes his escape.

http://bettybloodletter.blogspot.com/2012/09/hellgate.html
A white dude with a jerry curl.  What slutty zombie chick could resist?

But Matt decides to return for Josie and brings his buddy and their girlfriends.  Why he’d bring his girlfriend with him to get together with an even hotter girl is beyond me.  Now furious with Matt’s return, dad raises all of the dead in the local cemetery as zombies to take care of him.

http://filmplop.blogspot.com/2012/05/030512-hellgate-1990.html
Matt’s girlfriend making her “oh” face.

Needless to say, the acting hurts.  But the cast makes up for it with loads tasteless nudity to remind us that they clearly weren’t hired for their gifts for dialogue.

There were some fine attempts at gore including some dismemberment.  There were also some very cheesy gore scenes including a lame strangulation.  Other special effects include such highlights as a rubber bat being shaken from fishing line (that we can see), crystals that shoot lasers, and coloring a bodybuilder’s hair gray as the sole effort to make him look 37 years older (since he was in the 1957 scene).

http://bettybloodletter.blogspot.com/2012/09/hellgate.html

The zombie make-up was generally nothing special.

http://filmplop.blogspot.com/2012/05/030512-hellgate-1990.html

But at least they tried.

http://drunkenzombie.com/blog/?p=6776

This movie is often intentionally funny and embraces its own campiness with extra cheese.  If you love bad old school horror, then you should embrace this, too.

http://bettybloodletter.blogspot.com/2012/09/hellgate.html

http://kalafudra.wordpress.com/2012/10/16/girls-against-boys-2012/

MY CALL:  A female empowerment revenge film made by a man?  Hmmmm… I don’t think a female director would have made her shorts so short.  It was decent but hard to describe in a few sentences.  I recommend it to fans of the extreme (e.g., Hostel or Sawmovies).  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  I Spit on Your Grave (1978, 2010),The Descent (2005), A Perfect Getaway (2009) and Thelma and Louse (1991) all do better jobs of showing us strong female roles in which the actresses are completely credibly tough.

Our male writer/director (Austin Chick) piles the female oppression on pretty hard.  We first find Shae(Scream Queen Danielle Panabaker; Piranha 3DD, The Ward) in some sort of feminist women’s studies class talking to her classmate about her married boyfriend who’s about 15+ years her senior.  After he breaks things off she feels lost without her unhealthy relationship as she fends off unwelcome advances at work (as a night club bartender) and sneaks off to cry about the loss of this loser.  As if she didn’t already have a big enough deficit of self worth, Shae is always dressed in very short shorts or snug tiny skirts.

Lu (Nicole LaLiberte) works at the same bar, but she handles her shallow clientele with more assertiveness; she won’t be bullied or taken advantage of by men.  She wants to help Shae feel better so they go out for a night of drinks and dancing.  But when one thing leads to another, Shae finds herself alone with a man in a situation where “no” has little weight.  As if that wasn’t bad enough–and ALL of this has happened in just one day so far–Shae’s day gets much worse with!  After  that which would undeniably be considered the worst day of her life, she can’t even report the multiple assailants without being called “sweetheart” by a dismissively skeptical cop who says “you look fine to me.”

Yeah, laying it on a little thick, huh?

Nicole LaLiberte does a solid job as the vengeful, sociopathic and sultry Lu.  She kills a man in a cringingly brutal manner and just looks him in the eye, watching as he dies.  She plans murders with the same calm deadpan demeanor one would have while reading the nutrition information off of a Captain Crunch cereal box.  The yin to Lu’s yang, Shae is clearly the shy one, but she’s along  for the ride willingly and finds her murderous footing quickly.  The two of them embrace their vengeful actions–not as righteous, but simply “right” as if they had no other cares or sense of consequence in the world.

http://verybadgirls.wordpress.com/2013/01/09/on-the-radar-girls-against-boys-2013/

They have some funny moments.  The delivery of their homicidal discussions provides a great dark comedy appeal in a few scenes.  The gore element is present and there’s even a brief dash of torture, but it’s not celebrated as it is in the Hostel movies. We still get gummy detoothed mouths, some dismemberment, and exit wound splatters, though.

http://kalafudra.wordpress.com/2012/10/16/girls-against-boys-2012/
I’m having a hard time swallowing the pro-feminism while she’s in those short shorts.

The female empowerment is often credible, but at times, a bit over the top.  For example, Lu physically handles herself way too well for someone who’s probably never lifted anything heavier than a 6-pack and is a crackshot with a handgun and we have no reason to find that credible.  However, anyone who watches this movie wants to see brutal and clever death scenes and likely wouldn’t be too troubled with this shortcoming.

http://kalafudra.wordpress.com/2012/10/16/girls-against-boys-2012/

On the topics of female empowerment and death scenes, that’s all we see.  Unlike crime thrillers, this movie does not alternate between the killers’ agenda and the police detectives tasked with the investigation of their bloody wake, there are no chase scenes and our “protagonist” murderesses make no effort to evade their pursuers (which we have no knowledge of, if they exist) or to cover their tracks or wipe their fingerprints from the crime scene.  No.  This movie is about two girls avenging how they’ve been wronged.

This was a female empowerment revenge film made by a man.  It wasn’t bad.  But…hmmmm…I don’t think a female director would have made Panabaker’s shorts so short or LaLiberte’s lesbian-driven nudity soooooo, well–naked.  LOL.

It’s still a fun romp, though.

http://verybadgirls.wordpress.com/2013/01/09/on-the-radar-girls-against-boys-2013/

http://trashflavouredtrashmovies.blogspot.com/2011/01/lurking-fear-1994.html

MY CALL:  70 minutes of terrible…but I couldn’t stop giggling while rolling my eyes. And yes, without the credits this really is only 70 minutes.  WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD:  I was quite pleased with the Lovecraft adaptation Dagon (2001).  Also try Hellraiser (1987), From Beyond (1986) and The Re-Animator (1985) for serious gore and weird tones.  Bleeders (1997) is actually a surprisingly similar movie, but MUCH MUCH better.

Family Tree Disclaimer:  Okay, so I only decided to watch this (again) and review it since my uncle (Joe Leavengood) was in it.  I enjoyed his “tough guy” lines for obvious reasons.  You’ll know him right away.  He’s the mustached hired-muscle goon in the bad guy’s group.

http://trashflavouredtrashmovies.blogspot.com/2011/01/lurking-fear-1994.html
That’s my uncle.  Isn’t he great at his trade.

Really cheap sets and highly questionable acting raise a brow of doubt in the first 90 seconds of this movie.  But don’t worry, the writing is bad, too. So you’ll get plenty of “oh, geez” laughs out of it.  A lot of the scenes feel like they came out of some horror-themed soap opera–which doesn’t speak well of the director of this laughable catastrophe.

The first scene sets an interesting tone.  Two women and an infant are staying in some old church with monsters living between the under the floors.  They know these monsters want to eat them, but they spend the night anyway and somehow are able to sleep…alone…with no one keeping watch.  Low and behold, the consequence of this thoughtful plan was that someone got killed by some rubber-gloved monster-clawed arms reaching out from a vent in the wall.

You see, there are these Morlockian troglodytes living under a church and the nearby cemetery.  They grunt and have grey skin and glazed white eyes as you would imagine any typical subterranean corpse-eating creature would appear.

The story brings together three sets of people with different motives to the church…

The first is John Martense (Blake Adams/Bailey; The Killer Eye, Head of the Family), who is released from prison to meet crooked mortician Knaggs (Vincent Schiavelli; Ghost, Lord of Illusions).  After a quick “how ya’ doin’” John is already planning to commit a crime.  He’s going to recover some blood money that was buried with a body in the graveyard by the church.  I know what you’re thinking and the answer is yes: that church.

Then there’s Bennett, Marlowe (Allison Mackie) and Pierce (Joe Leavengood; Trancers 2; Basket Case 2), three criminals that are after the same money.

Among others, Cathryn (Ashley Laurence; the Hellraiser series, Warlock III), Maria (Cristina Stoica; Dark Angel: The Ascent, Lurid Tales: The Castle Queen) and an alcoholic physician Dr. Haggis (Jeffrey Combs; The Re-Animator, From Beyond) make up the third group.  They seek to eliminate this race of subterranean humanoids of local legend–a legend which is mentioned, but never really explained.

http://trashflavouredtrashmovies.blogspot.com/2011/01/lurking-fear-1994.html

http://trashflavouredtrashmovies.blogspot.com/2011/01/lurking-fear-1994.html

The action scenes are quite bad, ranging from terrible pulled punches to awkward, hardly credible gun handling skills.  The sound effects accompanying the punches remind me of the original arcade version of Street Fighter.  The same goes for all of the altercations with the monsters.  The most credible action was the cemetery mud wrestling brawl between Allison Mackie and Ashley Laurence in the pouring rain.  Go figure.  The male director gave all of his technical attention to a catfight hybrid between a wet t-shirt contest and women’s mud wrestling.

http://trashflavouredtrashmovies.blogspot.com/2011/01/lurking-fear-1994.html

The gore is generally weak, but I must credit the effects team and director for making so many attempts to please the Fangoria fans out there.  There are a lot of dead body, corpse and skeleton scenes in which these props are used for more than just background.  They come with a few laughs.  The creature make-up is similarly ho-hum.  But they embrace it.  They don’t make you wait until the last 20 minutes of the movie to see it.  You get to see it a lot.  Which means they spent a lot of money on it and took some risks.

http://trashflavouredtrashmovies.blogspot.com/2011/01/lurking-fear-1994.html

This story is evidently based on some work of H. P. Lovecraft.  Other than a weak link between a human church and the creatures, I see no connection to Lovecraft.  It definitely didn’t “feel” Lovecraftian.  To add to that, the story follows these three groups of people convening on this church.  But we don’t have much of a good explanation as to “why” the good guys are trying to eradicate these monsters.

Lovecraft fans shouldn’t see this.  It will just disappoint them.  But bad horror fans are in for the standard laughs that come with genre.  This movie takes itself very seriously, and that just adds to the fun.

http://jbspins.blogspot.com/2012/08/painted-skin-resurrectionprepare-to.html

MY CALL:  A poetic, Chinese romantic fantasy tragedy with a dash of stylistic anime-esque action.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Maybe Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000), Shinobi (2005) or Legend of the Tsunami Warrior (2008).  All enjoy their own stylistic brand of action, love and fantasy.

http://stupidblueplanet.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-cinema-file-90-painted-skin.html
The Fox Demon

This mythology-flavored story begins when a fox demon in the form of a beautiful woman (Xun Zhou; Cloud Atlas, Painted Skin) is freed from an icy prison by her bird demon sister (Mini Yang; Wu Dang).  They are called demons.  But they’re not your typical satanic, drooling, toothy-mawed monster demons.  They’re more like evil immortal beings.

The obscure story is driven by our two female leads.  The millennia-old Fox seeks the willing heart of a mortal man in order to become human and a warrior Princess (Wei Zhao; Red Cliff, Painted Skin) who hides a facial battle wound behind a mask seeks her one past love (Kun Chen; Flying Swords of Dragon Gate, Painted Skin).  They meet and the Fox offers to help the princess–a favor which comes with a price.  The rest of the story is hard to explain without giving too much away…I won’t even try.  All I’ll say is that this is a romantic tragedy told in a fantasy setting in which all of the love-seeking protagonists are deeply and differently flawed.

http://stupidblueplanet.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-cinema-file-90-painted-skin.html

http://stupidblueplanet.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-cinema-file-90-painted-skin.html
The Fox and the princess making a deal that will change both of their lives.

This film makes every effort to please the eyes with long wispy dresses, impossibly long hair flowing in the wind, a scintillatingly colored wardrobe for the Fox and princess, and CGI-enhanced lighting.  The CGI elements are far behind their time, much as we would see in an early 90s movie (when it would have been first rate).  However, despite its obviousness, it is occasionally crisp and beautiful…other times just plain lame.

http://stupidblueplanet.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-cinema-file-90-painted-skin.html
The Bird Demon enjoys the comic relief in the movie when she encounters a demon hunter.

The special effects techniques–among other components of the film–contribute to a strong sense of high fantasy with story-telling that feels like a story-driven videogame.  The presence of a dire bear, magical items, forbidden love and demons contribute to this feeling.

http://stupidblueplanet.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-cinema-file-90-painted-skin.html

Though rare, the action is uniquely stylized.  While I am often disappointed by film editing which obscures the execution of techniques such that you don’t really “see” them being executed from start to finish in one clip, this film delivers action in a way that I can compare to none other; it’s impressive.  Some of these moves couldn’t possibly be executed by stunt men and sometimes CGI-ing the impossible just cheapens the experience.  Yet here I enjoyed it as I would a comic book, a glimpse at a time with a notion of anime-action transition.  It’s hard to explain.

http://kianfai87.blogspot.com/2012/07/ii-painted-skin-resurrection-2012.html

The finale may be exciting for early teens, but I found it all quite silly.  This movie fell apart in the last 40 (of 130) minutes for me.  But I guess it was still worth watching this beautiful movie.

http://thehorrorhotel.blogspot.com/2011/12/review-shrine-2010.html

MY CALL:  An effective low budget horror telling a different story with some less utilized, effective methods.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  This movie reminded me of Dagon (2001), which was also a pleasant surprise.

I chose to watch this movie thinking “Man, it’s been a while since I deliberately watched a movie that I knew would be awful.”  Then I learned who was behind it.  Director Jon Knautz brought us Jack Brooks Monster Slayer (2007) which, by the way, was a surprisingly fun horror comedy with a humble budget tactfully utilized.  So now I had reason to be optimistic.  Then I saw some surprisingly positive reviews on Amazon…now I’m really intrigued.  How have I–The Horror Czar and founder of John’s Horror Corner–never heard of this until both Netflix and Amazon “suggested” it?

Carmen (Cindy Sampson; Supernatural, Being Human) is a journalist investigating the disappearance of an American tourist in Poland–evidently this tourist is one of many to disappear near a small village.  She is joined by her photographer boyfriend Marcus (Aaron Ashmore; Warehouse 13, Lost Girl, Smallville) and Carmen’s colleague Sara (Meghan Heffern; The Fog [the 2005 remake], Chloe).

http://thehorrorhotel.blogspot.com/2011/12/review-shrine-2010.html

When they arrive to the strange, time forgotten village they are met by the most inhospitable people.  In fact, the locals are quite hostile!  Amid a mix of fear and anger the locals manage to shoe off the Americans.  Deciding to ignore some obvious warning signs, our journalists venture into the nearby woods in which an other-worldly fog surrounds a shrine.  It’s a statue of a demon…and it is CREEPY.

http://parlorofhorror.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/the-shrine-2010-movie-review/#

http://parlorofhorror.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/the-shrine-2010-movie-review/

The strangeness of this story accelerates when our investigators are captured by the locals, who speak Polish (without subtitles) and force the Americans to “participate” in a creepy, brutal ritual.  As the movie progresses, we learn more about what these people are trying to accomplish with this ritual.

http://thehorrorhotel.blogspot.com/2011/12/review-shrine-2010.html

http://365daysofhorrormovies.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-290-shrine.html

http://parlorofhorror.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/the-shrine-2010-movie-review/#

A lot of the dialogue in this movie is in Polish, but isn’t subtitled for the audience.  This is an interesting approach on the director’s part.  Many movies will have a scene or two in which we’re meant to be as nervous as the protagonist over what it is their captors might be saying.  But, in this film, this persists.  This keeps the nature of their rituals all the more mysterious.  This storytelling strategy (or secretive strategy) is what clearly separates this film from so many others.  I, for one, rather appreciated that the director considered his audience to be capable of following this story without holding our hand via subtitles.  After all, we’d never feel the Americans’ terror of “not” knowing what they’re saying when we “do know” what their intentions are.  We don’t need our hands held.

The blood work and gore was effective with some nasty, brutal scenes.  But the latex-based make-up work was very disappointing; far too ambitious for too small a budget and too little talent.  Thankfully, the scenes were well-composed enough to defend themselves against this technical flaw.

http://parlorofhorror.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/the-shrine-2010-movie-review/#

The best word to describe this low budget horror release would have to be effective.  Most horror actually fails to deliver any sense of horror beyond a few jump-scares or some too-gross-to-look moments or torture-porn-esque limb-sawing tactics.  This movie succeeded at being truly creepy and mysterious.  There may be better films out there aiming to accomplish the same goals, but probably not with such a low budget.

http://fermineighbor.blogspot.com/2010/10/freakonomics-movie.html

MY CALL:  A light-hearted, funny and informative film adaptation of the book that most viewers should enjoy.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Super Size Me (2008), Bigger Faster Stronger (2004).

I’ll start by saying that I’ve read the book years ago.  I also read about one chapter of the book(chosen randomly) every few months as a refresher.  Needless to say, I really like this book.  It’s highly informative on things that you see, encounter and deal with every day but just never stopped to think about it.  So, that said, why bother with the movie?

http://ecotalker.wordpress.com/2011/01/25/freakonomics-movie/

Arguably the book covers a greater breadth of issues and addresses each one in greater detail, discussing finer points; really educating us.  The movie covers less.  But the movie serves as a Cliff’s Notes edition to give you a taste of what Freakonomics really is.  What’s more is that it does so with a well-composed charm.  You see, this is neither a fictitious plot nor a true documentary.  Rather the author and economist explain things to us in their own words with their own personable nature accompanied by some cute animations.

http://ecotalker.wordpress.com/2011/01/25/freakonomics-movie/

They address things like…

Does your real estate agent really have any incentive to wait a week to sell your house for an additional $10,000 if you already have an offer for $290,000?

Should we do everything that our parents did when parenting our own kids?  Will books on parenting help me be a better parent?

What are the consequences to the names we give our children?  Or are chosen names consequences of some other trends?

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/freakonomics/pictures/#4

How do you identify cheating based only on SAT scan-tron sheet data?

How can we distinguish causality from happenstance correlations?

In addressing each of these bullet points (chapters in the book), they give their own opinions and present testimonies from random people on the street (“regular people”) and experts on things we didn’t even know there were experts for (like “baby name experts”).

http://learntheblog.wordpress.com/2012/05/22/freakonomics/
What do you suppose she majored in?

This movie (and the book) makes a good point.  We should stop trying to predict what people are going to do in certain situations and instead first consider their incentives AND THEN predict their actions.  Once you understand people’s incentives it becomes much easier to predict what they’re going to do.  All too often when we view the world we wrongly interpret correlations as causality when, in fact, causality is the greatest mystery behind the veil of what we think we see.

This was light-hearted, funny and informative.  Most should be able to enjoy it.

http://obsessiveviewer.wordpress.com/2013/04/23/trailer-tuesday-the-purge-2013/

MY CALL:  An intense, surprisingly well-executed film depicting a dystopian future built on a foundation of an economy-fueling organized mayhem.  Solid performances across the board!  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Funny Games (2007), The Strangers (2008), Assault on Precinct 13 (2005).

The opening scenes introduce us to a dystopian futuristic America in which we have overcome staggering recessions, unemployment and crime rates.  Everyone seems happy and at peace with the means that provide this thriving economy.

So what do they have to thank?  The Purge.  The Purge is a 12-hour period during which all crime is legal and all police, medical and emergency services are suspended.  Radio and news casts bombard viewers with soma-popping Brave New World mantras about “unleashing the beast within” to “cleanse [or purge] our inherently violent nature.”

What’s most interesting about this society is that The Purge is embraced by most everyone.  Sure, there are media debates on how The Purge “targets” the poor who can’t afford to defend themselves, but even the wealthy–with their armored home security systems–socialize, talk about what they’re doing during The Purge or “purge” together in hunting parties.

All of the pro-Purge political views are presented through an upper class filter–more specifically, the pro-Purge mindset of James Sandin (Ethan Hawke; Sinister, Daybreakers), a home security system salesman who lives in a ritzy neighborhood full of fake, well-to-do smiling neighbors.  This year, instead of attending a party, James is spending a quiet purge with his wife Mary (Lena Headey; Game of Thrones, Dredd, The Cave, The Brothers Grimm), son Charlie (Max Burkholder; Martian Child) and daughter Zooey (Adelaide Kane; Donner Pass, Teen Wolf).

James’ family is less embracing of The Purge than the rest of the neighborhood but, for fear of death, they abide by the social standard but do not themselves partake.  Catching more of our attention is James.  His security system sales are booming, he’s boat shopping and he talks a big game about supporting The Purge but when he justifies its value or explains to his son why he has never felt the urge to purge there is more than a dash of a hesitation in his tone.

Things begin to go wrong for the Sandins when Max sympathizes with an injured man.  He hears his cries for help on the surveillance system and disarms the security for long enough to let the man into the house for safety.  Shortly thereafter, a group of over-educated young adults led by polite stranger with an intensely striking sense of rich kid entitlement demand that the Sandins release the injured victim into their lethal care as a Purge tribute.

http://www.moviefanatic.com/2013/06/the-purge-review-ethan-hawke-starts-a-debate/

http://filmfrontier.wordpress.com/2013/06/09/the-purge-review/
The disturbingly masked strangers.

If the Sandins don’t, the strangers threaten to penetrate the security system and kill everyone.  That’s what you get from the preview and I won’t give you any more except to say that things get interesting, intense, gory, fun (for violent film fans) and equal parts predictable and unpredictable.

I thought all of the actors did a fine job.  Some may consider the polite stranger (Rhys Wakefield) to be pretty hammed up, but I thought his supervillainous, sociopathic and zealous mentality helped separate this strong film from the likes of The Strangers, which carried no social commentary or message whatsoever.  As extreme as the premise may seem in The Purge, I must admit that it got me thinking.  Not necessarily “agreeing,” but thinking.

http://thehorroronline.wordpress.com/2013/06/08/the-purge-review/

I went into this movie excited because of the preview, but nervous as to how it would play out.  In the end I feel that all of my positive expectations were met and none of the bad came to fruition.  I was very pleased.

http://playanthropologist.wordpress.com/tag/bitch-slap/

MY CALL:  What if Charlie’s Angels was raunchy, trashy and rated a hard-R a la Tarantino?  Well, you’d probably get this funny, tasteless and breastacular exploitation film which walks a fine line between an erotic clothes-on video shoot and a slapstick crime caper that makes every effort to be bad in the spirit of fun.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Boys Against Girls (2013) and Kill Bill (2003, 2004), I guess.  But, from modern-day movies, some Tokyo Shock movies are more similar to this than even the raunchy classics that Bitch Slap honors.

http://gabtor.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/bitch-slap-movie-photo-gallery/
America Olivo

Writer/director Rick Jacobson is no stranger to over-the-top, scantily clad tough girls and cleavage.  He’s directed many episodes of Hercules, Xena, Baywatch and two seasons of Spartacus, and he knows how to deliver.  He can’t aim a camera at one of his leading ladies without starting at her fun parts.  As tasteless as that sounds, Jacobson has crafted a modern, clever throwback to exploitation classics, dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

http://nummtheory.blogspot.com/2011/10/bitch-slap-2009.html

We have three female leads… The air-headed Trixie (Julia Voth), red-headed Hel (Erin Cummings; Dollhouse, Spartacus: War of the Damned) and the over-medicated hothead Camero (America Olivo; No One Lives, Maniac, Friday the 13th) are three breasty bitches with attitude who are in over their head for $200 million in diamonds.  Clearly borrowing from Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction (1994), the story jumps from present day to flashbacks, not presented in chronological order, which serve to explain some things in the wake of the confusion while slowly pulling the veil on what’s really going on along with some red herrings.  This approach is articulate, but it’s hard to notice when the view of this cleverness is obscured by so many in-your-face, sweaty boobs.

http://gabtor.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/bitch-slap-movie-photo-gallery/
America Olivo

These girls talk a big game, are way too tough to be credible (because credible is what they were after in making this film, right?), and give us a mix raunchy girl-on-girl humor with silly spy skills.

http://gabtor.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/bitch-slap-movie-photo-gallery/
Julia Voth

This mix of female empowerment and exploitation features bullets to the balls, exit wound sprays from the head, threats of genital mutilation, stripper dance routines, comical drug use, a glowing vagina, very weirdly creative (or just drug-induced) analogies involving two-dicked dogs and getting people wet, crotch punches, death yo-yos, sopping wet catfights, women touching themselves, small children saying “salty balls”, a pig-tailed lesbian Asian in a schoolgirl outfit, loads of heaving and fondling, bitches hogtying other bitches with chains, bitches lighting other bitches on fire, bitches exploding other bitches in cars, bitches choking other bitches out, REALLY BIG guns, a female crotch bite (first ever on film?), the longest and most ridiculous catfight ever, and so much more.

http://gabtor.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/bitch-slap-movie-photo-gallery/

The highlight of this director’s skills include a split screen girl-on-girl makeout session complete with trancy film-editing transitions.  Jacobson also keeps things classy by showing us strikingly few bare nipples…however we do get rough finger-banging, insinuated lesbian oral sex, and more wet breast shots than Piranha 3D (2010) and Piranha 3DD (2012) combined.

http://gabtor.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/bitch-slap-movie-photo-gallery/
Julia Voth

The level of crazy corny action, fake acrobatics, cartoonish green-screen work (very Sin City graphic novel-y), utterly tasteless voluptuan montages with sleazy scoring, catfights with metal-scoring, and D-quality slo-mo special effects should provoke uncontrollable laughter.

Kevin Sorbo (Hercules, Xena, Meet the Spartans) makes a cameo appearance as Mr. Phoenix and Lucy Lawless (Xena, Hercules, Spartacus, Battlestar Galactica) as Mother Superior.  Sorbo gets the better cameo by far!  You can find him in the worst action finale ever.

http://gabtor.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/bitch-slap-movie-photo-gallery/
America Olivo

A few of my favorite quotes (not perfectly quoted, by the way) include…

“I’m going to tear your show tits asunder.”

“Let’s slip off to some small Micronesian island.”

“So you’re a super spy masquerading as a sex toy tycoon?”

http://gabtor.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/bitch-slap-movie-photo-gallery/
Julia Voth

You should know based on the DVD cover whether or not this movie is for you.  It may not be “my style,” but it was certainly for me.

http://www.thelightningbugslair.com/2012_10_01_archive.html

MY CALL:  SPOILER ALERT!  This movie sucks!  There, I said it.  But I also managed to enjoy it for its immensely funny levels of holy shit awful.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  I’d start with some other totally random wtf older horror flick like Hellgate (1990; funny), The Sentinel (1977; serious).  The Nesting (1981; serious), The Outing (1987; funny), Deadly Blessing (1981; funny), The Possessed (1975; funny), Xtro (1983; super weird) and Superstition (1982; funny).   ALTERNATE TITLE:  Evidently, this movie is also called Witch Bitch..or so the opening credits suggest.

POV shots to weird sound effects, nudity within the first five minutes and a sultry Flashdance routine immediately warn of the quality of the movie to come.  Our flashdancing spa exhibitionist is Laura (Brenda Bakke; Nowhere to Run, Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight) and she is nearly killed when the gym sauna spews caustic gas out of some pipe–clearly in an effort to murder her…because spas do that in this movie  But have no fear, she judo chops to safety through a window and then passes out naked and sweaty before our eyes.

http://nicholauspatnaude.com/2012/04/08/death-spa-1990-working-out-after-dark/

This spa looks like the 80s vomited all over it.  Super short shorts on allegedly straight guys with feathered hair, girls in provocatively snug unitards, lots of hairspray, tights, promiscuity, atrocious movie scoring, legwarmers and a strangely wardrobed black dude (Ken Foree; Dawn of the Dead, The Lords of Salem, Halloween, From Beyond) who the director clearly decided was “tough” because he’s a tall black dude.

http://teleport-city.com/2012/10/11/death-spa/

http://nicholauspatnaude.com/2012/04/08/death-spa-1990-working-out-after-dark/

As the “spa” continues to strike, its assaults include tampering with a diving board, scalding hot showers and projectile bath tiles flying at naked women, a busted hot water pipe melts the face off of some chick and a needlessly deadly chest-fly machine kills some dude.  Not surprisingly it only takes a few free months of gym membership from the gym owner Michael (William Bumiller; Species) for people to keep coming to the gym where several people have been serially  killed or injured in the past week!    Later some dude has his face squeezed off (the only real latex effort in special effects), a chick’s hand gets blended into a protein shake while it’s still attached to her and there’s a random zombie fish attack…yes, one zombie in the entire movie and it’s a fish.  This movie is the ultimate in random stupidity and ill-execution.  It even includes death by tanning bed–which may be the first time this ever happened on film (?), later copied by the I Know What You Did Last Summer and Final Destination franchises.

After reaching the limits of his tolerance of all these unexplainable events, Michael  hires a paranormal investigator.  He’s a psychometrist (I had to look it up, too).  His character, obviously intended to be interesting, is at the very least as poorly written as the other aspects of this flick.  He’s a boring stereotype and his little value beyond his WTF LOL death scene.

Shower scenes and wet bodies abound in this extra cheesy kill flick in which a HAL-like gym security system takes it upon itself to kill its members like they kill their triceps.  Yup, basically an evil security camera possessed by Michael’s dead wife starts killing people.  However, her real revenge is that the actor who plays her still living lover Michael would never have a better role than he did in this movie.  Why is she doing this?  Essentially, she’s lonely in Hell after killing herself.  So, to get his attention, she possesses the body of her super-creepy twin brother and starts killing everyone at Michael’s gym and she won’t stop unless he kills himself to keep her company.

http://teleport-city.com/2012/10/11/death-spa/

The gore is laughable and received hardly any effort even for its time with the exception of the occasional melted face.  Meanwhile random blood spritzes and the melted corpses do little to stimulate anything more than an eye-rolling grin.

http://nicholauspatnaude.com/2012/04/08/death-spa-1990-working-out-after-dark/

I’m not gonna’ lie.  I’ve seen better…LMAO. This movie starts and then goes nowhere as it sadly misses the potential of each butchered kill scene one by one.  I’d like to see this remade by Eli Craig, Joss Whedon or Sam Raimi…you know, like the minds behind Evil Dead (2013), The Cabin in the Woods (2012), Final Destination 5 (2011), Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010), Drag Me to Hell (2009), and of course Evil Dead 2 (1987) and The Evil Dead (1981).

http://nicholauspatnaude.com/2012/04/08/death-spa-1990-working-out-after-dark/

http://mansplat.wordpress.com/category/classic-horror/page/12/

MY CALL:  Simply put, this is the story of a waterbed filled with digestive fluid and powered by a demon.  It’s a must-see for those who claim to have seen a little of everything for its novelty and hilarious awfulness.  There is nothing else like this, for better or for worse.

This movie gets off to a tasteless start as a couple of young lovers happen upon an old house.  The narration of a Limbo-bound spirit reveals that the bed in this house is alive and that he’s been listening to it snore for a century.  But, once awakened, it strategically locks all of the doors to the house except for the one that leads the amorous couple to its bedroom lair.  Most likely taking offense to the boyfriend’s clumsily amateur breast-fondling technique, the bed spitefully eats the young couple’s lunch…and then eats them.

http://wgonhelicopter.blogspot.com/2010/09/death-bed-bed-that-eats-1977-ish-wait.html

It seems that these first two victims serve no more purpose than to let viewers know what they’re in for…a movie about a bed that eats people.   Our narrating spirit gives us a little history about the bed, its loud munching sounds, and its generally dim wit.  Now that we’ve set the stage, it’s time to meet our next victims which include William Russ (the dad from Boy Meets World) in his FIRST ROLE EVER!

This was directed, written and produced by George Barry, who has never done anything else–no disappointment there.  The same goes for almost every other actor in this except for William Russ.  Probably for the best.  The effects were poor, the acting was destitute, the scoring was terrible, and the film editing was somehow yet worse.  Following suit was the overly informative, dry, ill-timed narration.  Oh, and we get some narrative from one of the victims as well…although I have no clue why.  It serves little purpose other than stacking more poor qualities which disrupt the film’s pacing.  All in all, this movie feels like a series of fragmented thoughts, punctuated by nudity, that never go anywhere and which frankly are no more comprehensible than the mutterings of a mad man.

http://mansplat.wordpress.com/category/classic-horror/page/12/

The one thing this film has going for it is that it is deliberately funny, for example depicting the bed eating Pepto-Bismol after a meal of a homely naked girl–she would have left a bad taste in my mouth, too.  The effects are largely limited to the bed drooling yellow foam and digesting things in a prop department fish tank of yellow liquid.  My favorite scene had to be when the bed ate William Russ’ hands to the bone.  Basically every scene in this movie labors on much longer than is necessary, and only to its hysterical detriment.

http://thedogthatlookedlikecharlesbronson.blogspot.com/2012/12/death-bed-bed-that-eats-1977.html
Before he was giving advice to Ben Savage on Boy Meets World, he was doing this.  Thanks for this William Russ!

http://wgonhelicopter.blogspot.com/2010/09/death-bed-bed-that-eats-1977-ish-wait.html

Simply put, this is the story of a waterbed filled with digestive fluid and powered by a demon that uses telekinesis on its more feisty victims.

A must see for those who claim to have seen a little of everything.

http://happyotter666.blogspot.com/2009/11/pit-and-pendulum-1991.html

MY CALL:  Absolutely meritless; not even funny if you’ve been drinking.  Never ever watch this and don’t trust the reviews on Amazon!  HFS this was bad.  WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD:  If you want torture then you’ve come to the wrong place.  And yeah, we have zealots pointing fingers and spouting threats, but that’s done poorly, too.  If this is the flavor you want I’d instead turn to Children of the Corn (1984) or Frailty (2001).

http://juntajuleil.blogspot.com/2010/09/film-review-pit-and-pendulum-1991.html
Just a typical Wednesday afternoon in 1492 Spain.

Director Stuart Gordon (The Re-Animator, From Beyond, Dolls, Dagon) brought Edgar Allen Poe’s 1492 Spanish Inquisition tale to film for a second time (the first time being in 1961).  However, other than the obvious presence of a pendulum and some clear allusions to Poe’s other works, this story hardly seems the work of Poe.

http://juntajuleil.blogspot.com/2010/09/film-review-pit-and-pendulum-1991.html
“Oh, yeah. She’s DEFINITELY a witch! We’ll try her next.”

Grand Inquisitor Torquemada (Lance Henriksen; Aliens, Pumpkinhead) emcees public witch-burnings in the name of religion while hamming up archaic holy canon before an audience of peasants.  During one of his burn rallies he accuses an innocent baker’s wife Maria (Rona De Ricci; she’s been in only one other movie) of witchcraft.  Torquemada is fanatical and exhibits masochistically penitent tendencies.   During Maria’s witch trial, her first test is being forcibly disrobed for her examination by Torquemada’s lecherous, corrupt men.  “To resist is to admit guilt,” they say.  I guess political sexual intimidation was a lot easier back in the day.

http://starletshowcase.blogspot.com/2010/04/princess-and-pit.html
“You really need to see me naked?”

http://starletshowcase.blogspot.com/2010/04/princess-and-pit.html
“Yes.  How else would we tell if you were a witch?”

The movie follows Maria’s ongoing interrogation, Torquemada’s inappropriate fixation on her, and her husband’s attempts to save her in sort of a prison break scenario.

http://juntajuleil.blogspot.com/2010/09/film-review-pit-and-pendulum-1991.html

As Francisco, Jeffrey Combs (The Re-Animator, From Beyond) looks charming in his black tights, poofy-dress-like garb and bobbed hair.  This role is Combs’ only mistake bigger than signing on to do Lurking Fear.  Also keep an eye out for the woman who played Happy Gimore‘s grandma as Esmerelda.  Realizing that’s who she was may have been the most enjoyable part of this movie.

http://juntajuleil.blogspot.com/2010/09/film-review-pit-and-pendulum-1991.html
“Isn’t that the grandma from Happy Gilmore?”

http://juntajuleil.blogspot.com/2010/09/film-review-pit-and-pendulum-1991.html
Do you think she’ll see Shooter McGavin in Hell?

Despite the many positive reviews on Amazon, I fail to see any merit in this movie.  The utterly hokey acting and wardrobe truly fail to do Poe any justice, and the limited blood and lame violence do not serve us well to make up for it…I even felt guilty watching the tasteless scenes with nudity since it felt like they were done simply to get teenagers excited.  I’m fine with gratuitous nudity–but it wasn’t even laughable here.  This was simply all sorts of bad and any attempts to defend it would be wasted on me.

This movie made less sense as it persisted and become accordingly less satisfying.  I admit that I laughed, but my eyes almost rolled out of their sockets during the ill-conceived “action-packed” finale complete with swinging pendulum, flesh-eating rats, swordplay and fire-shooting from the floor.

http://starletshowcase.blogspot.com/2010/04/princess-and-pit.html
Maria the witch has warned you: “Skip this movie!”

http://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2013/06/24/vhs2-or-these-tapes-are-not-that-fun-my-fuckin-review/

FYI: This should be treated as NOT SAFE FOR WORK.
So don’t come complaining to us when your boss peaks over your shoulder to your monitor and sees a dude in his underwear covered in blood (see image below).  That’s on you!  This is a horror post.  I can’t make everything PG.  LOL

MY CALL:  Looking for a film that features mass suicide, demons, evil omen fetuses, zombies, cults, poltergeists, possession, aliens and disfigured murderers?  Well, depending my interpretation of what I saw in the melee of clips from this film you may be in for all that and more…all be it in small doses.  We get to taste a lot of stories and ideas and, if we don’t like one of the shorts after ten minutes, just wait ten more minutes for the next one to start.  If you like anthologies then don’t miss this.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Some other fun, decent and/or clever anthologies include (in order of release date):  Black Sabbath (1963), Tales from the Crypt (1972), The Vault of Horror (1973), Creepshow (1982), Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983), Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985), Creepshow 2 (1987), Tales from the Dark Side: The Movie (1990), Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (1993), Campfire Tales (1997), 3 Extremes (2004), Trick ‘r Treat (2007), Chillerama (2011), Little Deaths (2011), V/H/S (2012), The Theater Bizarre (2012), The ABCs of Death (2013) and The Profane Exhibit (2013).

Episodic horror anthology meets found footage as the movie opens with a private investigator’s footage (taken by his assistant).  They make their way into a home loaded with VHS tapes.  What’s weirder than the lack of DVD upgrades are the other things they find in the house and its general semi-abandoned state.

Anyway, clearly the assistant never saw The Ring because she happily starts watching the tapes one after the other, alone!  As she watches the videos, we watch the short films that comprise this episodic anthology.  Like many such episodic horror films, the introductory story (called Tape 49) additionally moves on briefly in between the shorts with interesting developments.

http://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2013/06/24/vhs2-or-these-tapes-are-not-that-fun-my-fuckin-review/

These short films vary substantially in filming style, acting, gore, direction and writing quality.  The second and third films were much better than the other two “tape” films, both of which were so mundane I’d be happier if they were altogether omitted at the expense of the film’s running time.  Below is a summary of each short film and, sometimes, a cheeky quote…

Phase I Clinical Trials.  After an accident a man (Adam Wingard; not the best actor) receives a prototype prosthetic eye. A part of the compromise of this “free” clinical trial is that it has a built-in recording device that remains on at all times.  After getting home it appears that his recorder his short-circuiting on him because he starts to see blips of static, ghostly figures of dead people and general hallucinations.  It serves semi-moderately well as a jump-scare flick which is brief tactlessly smutty. Overall I was unimpressed with this play on The Eye (2002 Asia, 2008 USA remake) which failed more often than it succeeded in shocking viewers despite serial attempts.  Entertaining, I guess–but nothing special.  Filmmakers:  Directed by Adam Wingard (The ABCs of Death – Q is for Quack; V/H/S – Tape 56) and written by Simon Barrett (The ABCs of Death; V/H/S – The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger).

http://theghostdiaries.com/movie-review-vhs-2-and-the-horror-panopticon/

A Ride in the Park.  A cyclist wearing a head-cam goes for a jaunt in the park, during which he encounters an injured woman in the process of succumbing to zombiism.  This is a straight-forward, blatantly predictable zombie short from the start, but it does a nice job illustrating the simplest domino-like cascading beginnings of a z-pocalypse with a pretty good sense of humor.  The special effects are generally weak but I appreciate a good gross-out attempt when I see one–and a few playful attempts are made complete with visceral sound editing.  Clever camerawork and good storytelling make this short film a strong success.  Filmmakers:  Directed by Gregg Hale (producer: Lovely Molly; Seventh Moon) and Eduardo Sánchez (director: Lovely Molly; Seventh Moon).  Seventh Moon was quite lame, but this short film has earned Hale and Sánchez another shot in my eyes.  Give’em a zombie script.

http://theghostdiaries.com/movie-review-vhs-2-and-the-horror-panopticon/

http://tdylf.com/2013/06/10/the-movie-weekend-that-was-10/

Safe Haven.  This foreign horror short follows a film crew making a documentary of an Indonesian cult, led by “Father” who will lead them to immortality.  The crew gets Father’s permission to film on his compound where we learn of some strange sexual conduct involving children. But our attention is quickly derailed as worst-case cultish scenarios play out before our eyes very quickly.  The gore is VERY, VERY, VERY abundant, VERY well-executed and VERY in our face!  This short becomes totally bonkers for all the right reasons and includes evil omen birth, animated evil corpses, demons, possessed behavior, mass suicide and exploding bodies.  Did I mention the fantabulous gore?  This is one of the best effects-driven shorts I’ve seen!  Although the effects of the major demon were admittedly pretty weak, all else was nothing short of stellar given their humble budget.  Filmmakers:  Directed by Timo Tjahjanto (The ABCs of Death – L is for Libido) and Gareth Evans (Merantau, The Raid: Redemption) did a pretty rockin’ job with this.  I’d like to see a feature length version of this with more amped up creature effects/design and, obviously, more story development.

http://anythinghorror.com/2013/03/20/new-stills-release-dates-drop-for-vhs2/
“Wait.  On 3?  Or, like, 1-2-3…theeeeeen shoot?”

http://eddieraysmoviereviews.wordpress.com/2013/06/24/vhs2-or-these-tapes-are-not-that-fun-my-fuckin-review/
“Fear not, Father will save you.”

http://anythinghorror.com/2013/03/20/new-stills-release-dates-drop-for-vhs2/
“Just breathe.”

Slumber Party Alien Abduction.   Shot in part via “doggy-cam,” this short film is about three siblings, their friends and their dog, and a sleepover.  After meeting the foul-mouthed, fun-loving kids their sleepover is invaded by annoyingly classic-looking aliens.  The creature concepts, invasion, chase scenes and scares were of the lowest level of cinema and offered us NOTHING.  I’m sure the filmmakers were trying to show us some clever style, but I found nothing of the sort; it just looks like a couple of simpletons made a dumb film that serves no other purpose than to warn would-be financiers away from supporting the director’s future endeavors.  EXTREMELY BAD!  And I’m normally good at finding the kinder angles for recommending most any horror film.  Filmmakers:  Directed by Jason Eisener (The ABCs of Death – Y is for Youngbuck, Hobo with a Shotgun).

http://timsfilmreviews.com/2013/05/24/vhs2-red-band-trailer-1-review/
Ahhhhhh!  Not-scary aliens!

http://timsfilmreviews.com/2013/05/24/vhs2-red-band-trailer-1-review/
Ahhhhh!  There they are again not being scary!

http://romanticmrsheldon.wordpress.com/2013/06/13/vhs-2-poster-jobby/
The only good thing about this short was the promotional art.

Tape 49.  This is the story of the investigator and his assistant, who is watching the tapes as we, the audience, watch.  This was done well and closes with an amazing,  gory, intense, creeptastic finish.  I was happy with this anthology canvas.  Filmmakers: Simon Barrett (The ABCs of Death; V/H/S – The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger).

Just because I disliked a couple of these shorts in no way means this wasn’t a fun experience.  We get to taste a lot of stories and ideas and, if we don’t like one of the shorts after ten minutes, we just wait ten more minutes for the next one to start.  If you like anthologies then don’t miss this.

http://shenanitims.wordpress.com/2012/10/10/curse-of-the-puppet-master-1998/

MY CALL:  Hands down, the worst of the franchise.  Even serious fans will likely find nothing but disappointment here.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Puppet Master (1989), Puppet Master II (1991; the most slapstick crazy of the first three), Puppet Master III (1991) and Puppet Master 4 (1993).  Also try Ghoulies (1985) and Ghoulies II (1988).  SEQUEL SIDEBAR:  Puppet Master III (1991; set in 1941 and having the highest production value of the first three franchise installments) is actually a prequel to Puppet Master (1989), which occurs decades later in present day and is seamlessly followed story-wise by Puppet Master II (1991; which was the least serious, most zany installment).  Puppet Master 4 (1993) returns us to present day after Puppet Master II.  Puppet Master 5 (1994) picks up right where part 4 ended and marks the most noticeable drop in quality of any other franchise installments.  But Curse just gets worse.

David DeCoteau (Puppet Master III, Dreamaniac) has returned to the franchise and is steering it catastrophically off a cliff.  What’s wrong with it?  SO MUCH!  For example, the lead character may not be Toulon, but he behaves exactly like Toulon.  Why?  No apparent reason.  Just bad writing.  It doesn’t “mean” anything.  MAIN CHARACTER FAIL!

Dr. Magrew (George Peck; Dawn of the Mummy) runs the “House of Marvels.”  His star attractions are Toulon’s animated creations Blade (Parts 1, 2, 4 and 5), Pinhead (six movie veteran), Jester (six movie veteran), Six-Shooter (from parts 1, 4 and 5), Tunneler (six movie veteran) and Leech Woman (parts 1, 2 and 3), all of whom he purchased at an auction–we receive no further explanation of this shady backstory nor does the House of Marvels come into play later.  So why bother telling us these things at all?  Writing 101, people!  You don’t put a gun on the wall in Act 1 unless it’s going to be fired in Act 3.   PLOT FAIL!

http://shenanitims.wordpress.com/2012/10/10/curse-of-the-puppet-master-1998/

Ever since, he’s been trying and failing to create his own living puppets.  This is another plot element that gets no proper development other than a ‘nod’ later in the movie.  This could have saved the story. Instead, it just worsens it like a cancer because you really want to know more about these failed efforts–are they little monsters?  DOUBLE PLOT FAIL! 

http://shenanitims.wordpress.com/2012/10/10/curse-of-the-puppet-master-1998/
I would love to see how this little guy was made, and at what cost.  Are there others? Do they all look like that.  Folks, THIS idea is cooler than this whole movie!

To redouble his efforts Magrew hires a talented wood carver (Tank) to help him in his endeavors.  Because clearly it’s good wood work, and not next-gen science or Toulon’s sorcery, that is holding him back from playing God!  TECHNOLOGY FAIL!  So Tank moves in with Magrew and his cute teenage daughter (Jane).  For whatever reason, Magrew has no issue with moving a strange quiet man he just met like YESTERDAY into his house under the same roof as his cute teenage daughter.  That’s a TRIPLE PLOT FAIL and a FERTILE VIRGIN DAUGHTER FAIL at the same time!

http://www.silveremulsion.com/2011/03/01/curse-of-the-puppet-master-1998/
Yeah, as if any hot-blooded man would move some strange dude who’s “good with his hands” in him and his daughter.

For whatever reason–hey, wait a minute.  I’m saying “for whatever reason” a lot in this review.  I think it’s because the writing and direction were so idiotically haphazard that I truly don’t know “the reason” that things are happening in this movie!  Any, for whatever reason, Tank has nightmares that he is part puppet–like, for real, half-man, half-puppet.  No clue as to why.  In the first 45 minutes of the movie, these nightmares are all of the “action” we get, making this is, by far, the slowest and most boring of the Puppet Master franchise.  DREAM SEQUENCE FAIL!

http://shenanitims.wordpress.com/2012/10/10/curse-of-the-puppet-master-1998/
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Puppet parts!

Magrew transitions from a nice old guy with some puppets into a something of a sociopath.  But with this change we find little satisfaction.  The death scenes are few and only Tunneler, who drills a guy in the crotch while he’s bro-ing out blasting his pecs, seems to get any worthy screen time.  To properly appreciate how underutilized the characters were I’d like to point out that a character named Leech Woman never shows us why she’s named Leech Woman.  LEECH WOMAN FAIL!

http://witneyman.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/the-series-project-puppet-master/
Like this really couldn’t fit in their budget?  Come on!  This scene probably cost 10 bucks!

There were some lame blood splatter attempts, but the effects were clearly the worst of the franchise.  The puppets were often poorly puppeteered rather than the classic stop-motion that Puppet Master fans craved, the body count was too low, the kill creativity was non-existent and, making matters worse, the movie basically just ended in the middle of a scene that certainly did not feel like an ending.  What–did they run out of money at that exact moment?  OUCH!  ENDING FAIL!

http://shenanitims.wordpress.com/2012/10/10/curse-of-the-puppet-master-1998/
You know what?  I just don’t care any more!  SPOILER ALERT!  The ending looks like this.

http://shenanitims.wordpress.com/2012/10/10/curse-of-the-puppet-master-1998/
Then this happens…then they roll the credits.
WTF?  That’s it?  For realzies?  That screen shot is the last second of the movie?
Yes.

Hands down, the worst of the franchise.  This FAILS us in every way imaginable.

http://blogbypaul.wordpress.com/2011/12/05/film-review-black-christmas-2006/
One of the best horror movies of the year?  What, did this come out on New Year’s Day or something?

MY CALL:  I had fun with it.  Just try to ignore that this is a remake of a classic trendsetter and take this for what it is: an 80s-style slasher movie in which gore is celebrated and a shower scene is simply there to deliver bare breasts rather than to convey a sense of vulnerability and “will she die” tension.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Black Christmas (1974), Halloween (1978) and When a Stranger Calls (1979) were also born in the 70s and do a much better job at building tension and testing our nerves.

http://itallhappensinthedark.wordpress.com/2010/11/22/the-eyes-have-it/

In this is a remake of the 1974 classic Black Christmas, the girls of Alpha Kappa are again slaughtered
during Christmas break.

http://jmountswritteninblood.com/2012/03/18/black-christmas-2006/
Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Heather Fitzgerald

http://jmountswritteninblood.com/2012/03/18/black-christmas-2006/
Michelle Trachtenberg as Melissa

http://jmountswritteninblood.com/2012/03/18/black-christmas-2006/
Katie Cassidy as Kelli Presley

http://jmountswritteninblood.com/2012/03/18/black-christmas-2006/
Lacey Chabert as Dana

Our Alpha Kappas include Kelly (Katie Cassidy; A Nightmare on Elm Street, Harper’s Island), Melissa (Michelle Trachtenberg; Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Heather (Scream Queen Mary Elizabeth Winstead; Abraham Lincoln Vampire Slayer, The Thing) and Dana (Lacey Chabert; Thirst).  To prime the story the girls and their house mother Ms. Mac (Andrea Martin; Phyl of the original Black Christmas) retell the story of Billy the Black Christmas killer, his twisted childhood and his daughter…

This background story spends far too much time explaining why Billy is the way he is much as the Halloween (2007) remake did for Michael Myers.  In fact, any explanation is too much explanation.  Both Billy and Michael Myers were originally scary for the same reason: no one knew why they killed or what motivated them.  They just killed without reason and it was terrifying.  This attempt to justify the killer’s psyche is an excellent example of how exposition truly is the death of good horror.

http://itallhappensinthedark.wordpress.com/2010/11/22/the-eyes-have-it/

http://itallhappensinthedark.wordpress.com/2010/11/22/the-eyes-have-it/

Another unfortunate fault is that the sorority girls all have very similar personalities.  Sure, one of them gets drunk (probably attempting to mimic Margot Kidder’s lushy debutante role from the original) and another is homesick, but under the surface these characters may as well be spun from the same mold.  Stacking on the faults, this movie even failed to capture the creepiness of the call coming from “inside the house.”  Not because it’s now been done so many times, but because it was too hammed up to be creepy.  CALL “COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE” FAIL!!!

http://thewolfmancometh.com/2011/12/25/black-christmas-2006-2/

This has a classically perfect set up.  A bunch of attractive college girls are blizzard-bound in their sorority house over Christmas break and an escaped, murderous mental patient who used to live in their house is on the loose.  Through homogenous characters and exposition the story is ruined.  But through brutal, gory deaths an entertaining movie experience was salvaged-for those of us who are in to that anyway.

http://thewolfmancometh.com/2011/12/25/black-christmas-2006-2/

http://shenanitims.wordpress.com/2011/12/27/and-all-i-received-was-this-michelle-trachtenberg-flick-black-x-mas-2006/
Billy?  Is that you under that wig? Noooooooo…

The gore is brutal and abrupt.  Our killer doesn’t toy with his victims once they’re within reach.  He’s really quite the dynamic slayer.  Early on he sets the pace when he gauges then tears out an eyeball with no warning from his still-living coed victim.  In fact, eyeball-gore seems to be a pleasant theme, often accompanied by tongue-in-cheek cannibalism.  We also get some brutally prolonged beatings-to-death, lots of stabbing, loads of gore, and some gore-slathered sound-editing to really bring it together.  Some may say the sloppy-squishy sound effects were overdone.  Perhaps…but overdone damned well!  Gorehounds will be pleased for sure.  I should add that the “falling icicle” death scene was hilariously perfect!  The ice skate kill was also pretty damned special. All in all, only the sound editors and special effects folks demonstrated thoughtful approaches to their craft.

http://shenanitims.wordpress.com/2011/12/27/and-all-i-received-was-this-michelle-trachtenberg-flick-black-x-mas-2006/

Try to ignore that this is a remake of a classic trendsetter and take this for what it is: an 80s-style slasher movie in which gore is celebrated and a shower scene is simply there to deliver bare breasts rather than to convey a sense of vulnerability and “will she die” tension.  I had fun with it.