http://jigsawslair.blogspot.com/2010/07/blair-witch-2book-of-shadows-movie.html

MY CALL:  Another great, low budget B-movie that was unfairly reviewed as a theatrical release, which it shouldn’t have been.  [B]  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Suckers for found footage and video analysis should turn to Paranormal Activity 1 & 2 (2007, 2010), Grave Encounters (2011) or Grave Encounters 2 (2012).  If you want some great B-movies then aim for Dagon (2001), Bleeders (1997) or The Hazing (2004).

We recently addressed sequels that nobody expected, wanted, and were completely unwarranted.  Such movies include Sinister  (2012) and its inevitable sequel and the questionably titled The Last Exorcism Part 2 (2013).  Book of Shadows is such a movie.  Nobody could have figured how this story could possibly continue without simply regurgitating the same movie all over again with different actors.  Not the case with this one.  This was a thoughtful, well-crafted sequel which had its own feel, style and story.  It managed to continue the legend from the story arc of the original while proving to be a solid stand-alone film of its own.  It opens with a typical in-the-spirit-of-good-fun nonsense disclaimer:

“The following is a fictionalized re-enactment of events that occurred after the release
of The Blair Witch Project.  It is based on public records…[blah, blah, blah]“

The Blair Witch Project (1999) was a shaky found footage movie.  Book of Shadows continues the legacy with paranormal investigation-style video analysis within a traditionally filmed movie.  Like its much more recent follower Grave Encounters 2 (2012), Book of Shadows opens with pop-culture acknowledging the fame of its predecessor (treated as a movie within the newer movie)–in this case using MTV News, late night shows, E! News and real news casts, followed by a brief documentarian approach with the testimony of Burkittsville locals.

http://badassdigest.com/2012/10/30/collins-crypt-meta-sequels/
Goofy, likable Jeffrey Donovan

Jeffrey Donovan (Changeling, USA Network’s Burn Notice) does a fine job as Jeff, a witch store propagandist with a troubled past and a painfully average mind living in Burkittsville.  He leads Blair Witch Tours and comes off as simple, easily manipulated and quite likably candid and enthusiastic.  We also get an introduction to how poorly he was treated in a psychiatric facility that operated under 1800s-like moral practices.

http://thomas-damnyoureyesdamnyourears.blogspot.com/2011/08/ten-statements-aboutbook-of-shadows.html
Disturbed Jeffrey Donovan

Assembled for a Blair Witch tour, Jeff leads Erica the “good witch” Wiccan (Scream Queen Erica Leerhsen; Wrong Turn 2: Dead End, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre), Kim (Kim Director) the psychic goth, and the overly academic couple Tristen (Tristine Skyer) and Stephen (Stephen Barker Turner), who are investigating the Blair Witch legend and mass hysteria.

http://deecrowseer.wordpress.com/2010/12/13/gothwatch-kim-director/
Here’s Kim the Goth.  She’s a psychic.

http://jigsawslair.blogspot.com/2010/07/blair-witch-2book-of-shadows-movie.html
These folks think she’s weird because she’s a psychic.
Kim knew they’d think that.

http://tashabennett.blogspot.com/2010/04/movie-review-blair-witch-2-book-of.html
This is Erica.

http://thomas-damnyoureyesdamnyourears.blogspot.com/2011/08/ten-statements-aboutbook-of-shadows.html
Erica likes laying in the grass and being one with nature.

http://deecrowseer.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/bwbos001.jpg
Kim knew that, too.

I really enjoyed the soundtrack.  The opening credits have us soaring above the defoliated Fall woods in a late overcast afternoon to Marilyn Manson and a scene of campfire overindulgence is most perfectly complemented by Queens of the Stoned Age.  These add a good deal to the erratic, confusing, mysterious mood.  But the weird events, Jeff’s past, Tristen’s dreams and nervous breakdown, weird and disturbing visions, random clips of violent imagery, and (more than anything) strange discoveries while reviewing their recorded footage (after they all black out overnight) are what really drive this movie.

http://horrorthon.blogspot.com/2010/10/book-of-shadows-blair-witch-2.html
Tristen is freaking out and having weird visions.

http://scottalanmendelson.blogspot.com/2012/10/second-chance-cinema-book-of-shadows.html
When they watch the video playback, even Kim thought that was shocking!

The gore was weakly presented and the special effects, in general, were limited.  But special effects really didn’t seem necessary for this movie anyway.  It was effectively driven by the mystery of the story which is slowly unveiled.

http://tashabennett.blogspot.com/2010/04/movie-review-blair-witch-2-book-of.html

Jeff is the focal point of an ensemble cast film. We see alternating scenes of the present, in the form of flash-forwards in which Jeff and the others are interrogated by coarse Sheriff Cravens (Lanny Flaherty; Signs, Men in Black 3, Waterworld), and the past, what we would call “the main movie.”  As the movie ends see how the interrogations end.

Some people may have thought this movie was dumb, but I find it a pleasant surprise; more of a great B-movie than a lousy major release.  We see what the characters see, we receive hints that things are not what they seem and that we’re “missing something,” and soon we have the reveal stage during which we see what really happened.  At times you might even question what is “really” happening.

http://horrorthon.blogspot.com/2010/10/book-of-shadows-blair-witch-2.html

Even seeing this movie a second time, I find it satisfying.  I hope you hear what harsher reviewers say, but see what I see so that you can enjoy this movie with me.

http://shenanitims.wordpress.com/2012/10/05/puppet-master-4-1993/
Worth noting: Torch (bottom right) is not even in this movie.

MY CALL:  This is hardly simply “another” killer puppets movie.  This sequel brings a good combination of silly straight-faced nonsense and fun kills along with some new other-worldly elements.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Puppet Master (1989), Puppet Master II (1991; the most slapstick crazy of the first three) and Puppet Master III (1991).  Also try Ghoulies (1985) and Ghoulies II (1988)  SEQUEL SIDEBAR:  Puppet Master III (1991; set in 1941 and having the highest production value of the first three franchise installments) is actually a prequel to Puppet Master (1989), which occurs decades later in present day and is seamlessly followed story-wise by Puppet Master II (1991; which was the least serious, most zany installment).  This fourth installment returns us to present day after Puppet Master II.

B-horror sequel director Jeff Burr (Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter, Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Stepfather 2) drops us right in the middle of the silliness in this Jim Henson’s Storyteller­-turned-evil sequel.  Andre Toulon (Guy Rolfe; Puppet Master III, V and Retro Puppet Master; Dolls, The Bride) had obtained the ancient Egyptian secret of reanimation from some Arab back in the 1920s-30s, but in part 4 some puppet-like ghoul-demon named Sutec on a throne claims that Toulon “stole” this secret and has put some evil netherworld at risk of discovery by mankind.  That story sounds about par for the direct-to-video course, right?

http://mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com/2010/11/pull-strings-puppet-master-iv-demon.html
Meet Sutec.  He never smiles.

http://shenanitims.wordpress.com/2012/10/05/puppet-master-4-1993/
Sutec’s minions watching from the netherworld.

This fourth installment returns us to present day after Puppet Master II.  Rick (Gordon Currie; Friday the 13th Part VIII, The Terror Within II, Puppet Master 5) is a robot engineer living in the same oceanview hotel (from part 1 and 2) as the off-season caretaker.  He is working towards artificial intelligence in his spare time.  You know, for fun.  For whatever reason, he has Blade (from parts 1 and 2) in his office.

Meanwhile, in a high-tech laboratory working with Rick, some scientists have discovered some weird netherworld puppet-sized, fleshy doll-monster gremlins.  They kill Dr. Leslie Piper (Stacie Randall; Ghoulies IV, Trancers 4 and 5, From Dusk’ til Dawn 2) and steal her soul for the netherworld powers.

http://shenanitims.wordpress.com/2012/10/05/puppet-master-4-1993/
Soul sucking

Rick has a dinner party and invites his girlfriend and iron man athlete Susie (Chandra West; White Noise, Puppet Master 5), metaphysicist and psychic-channeler Lauren (Teresa Hill; Puppet Master 5), and his friend and scientist Cameron (Ash Adams; A Nightmare on Elm Street).  It’s funny how so many horror movies rely on a dinner party to get a bunch of people into a house before the slaughter.

They find Toulon’s rather informative journal which reveals his history, the secret life-giving serum and puppets Pinhead and Jester (four movie veterans), Six-Shooter (from part 1) and Tunneler (four movie veteran), all of whom he reanimates with the glowing green syringed formula.  As usual, the puppets each get their moments to shine.  Except for the underplayed Jester, who has the least to offer in terms of interesting kills.

A few inconsistent notes… Tunneler “died” in Puppet Master II and Six-Shooter, while presented in the prequel Puppet Master III, was nowhere to be seen in parts 1 or 2.  Yet here he is as if he was always one of the gang.  On the other hand, who cares?  I’m happy to have them all and their endearing stop-motion glory.

http://shenanitims.wordpress.com/2012/10/05/puppet-master-4-1993/
Tunneler just owning this round of laser tag.

This movie is fun. The puppets play laser tag with Rick; Toulon is back, but not as the over-the-top farcical character from Puppet Master III; an idiot opens a gate to the gremlin-infested netherworld; Toulon anoints Rick the new puppet master; and, like in the prequel Puppet Master III, the puppets are the good guys.  I love it when they gang up on the netherworld gremlins in stop-motion melee. We also have a new over-the-top bad guy (Sutec) and a new puppet, the head-swapping Decapitron who microwaves  the nether-gremlins ’til they burst.

http://mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com/2010/11/pull-strings-puppet-master-iv-demon.html
Nether-gremlins spawning from a gate through a board game.

http://shenanitims.wordpress.com/2012/10/05/puppet-master-4-1993/
Blade vs a nether-gremlin

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Decapitron lives!!!

This whole movie boils down to turning the puppets into good guys as they fight a handful of Sutec’s evil nether-gremlins; hardly a plot.  The movie ends with what is clearly a nod to the audience that a sequel was planned before this movie even hit the shelves.  But it’s a fun ride and fans of the franchise will continue enjoying consistent quality.

http://mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com/2010/11/pull-strings-puppet-master-iv-demon.html
Weirdo puppet Toulon: “Hey, everybody.  Tune in for the sequel!”

http://thewolfmancometh.com/2012/12/17/hold-your-breath-2012-review/

MY CALL:  Ouch.  Craptastic acting, lousy writing, stupid scenarios, destitute effects and a ripped off premise make this movie an affront to B-horror.  This is more like D-horror and I give it an “F.”.  WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD:  There are much better creepy asylum movies–namely Session 9 (2001), Grave Encounters (2011) and American Horror Story season 2 (2012).  For a better breathable spirit movie, aim for Fallen (1998).

In 1956, during an insane criminal’s execution at an asylum, he gets violent and babbles a bunch of religious banter until they give him the chair.  But wait second.  Since when do we execute the criminally insane?  And since when have executions been performed at asylums?  [That's Strike 1]

Skip to present day.  Jerry (Scream Queen Katrina Bowden; Piranha 3DD, Tucker and Dale vs Evil), Kyle, Heath, Tony, Samantha, Johnny (Randy Wayne; Terror Toons 2, Caretaker) and Natasha (Erin Marie Hogan; The Theater Bizarre) load up an SUV and go off on a trip.  They all put their cell phones in the locked glove compartment of the car in what I find to be a very convenient horror ploy to keep them from calling for help later.  This would simply not happen.  No group of seven, social, good-looking 20-somethings would ever do this voluntarily.  No way!  How else can they Tweet, Instagram or Facebook about it?  [That's Strike 2]

http://stupidblueplanet.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-cinema-file-116-hold-your-breath.html

At the beginning of the drive they pass a graveyard near the asylum and Jerry goes into a serious panic, blurting out some folklore that if you don’t hold your breath then an evil spirit may enter your body.  Really?  A hot, mainstream 22-year old is going to find this worrisome?  [That's Strike 3, and we're only 10 minutes into the movie]  Anyway… Naturally, the stoner (Kyle) wanted to enjoy a good toke and inhaled.  Annnnnnnnd now he’s the killer.

http://stupidblueplanet.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-cinema-file-116-hold-your-breath.html

They pull off near an old asylum and decide it would be cool to go inside. Weird stuff happens.  Then they go on to their camping trip and we learn that the evil spirit can pass from one possessed person to another by breath.  This sounds like the touch-and-go Rolling Stones-loving Azazel of Fallen (1998).  And, like Azazel, our spirit has a tell.

http://thewolfmancometh.com/2012/12/17/hold-your-breath-2012-review/
Who’s the killer now?

http://stupidblueplanet.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-cinema-file-116-hold-your-breath.html
It’s Katrina Bowden! And she has an egg beater!!!

Outside of some decent blood work, effects including storms, wind, electricity, explosions and fire are destitute. One of the only things about this movie that was done well was a gratuitous sex scene, which really felt like watching a soft-core porn on late night Cinemax and otherwise totally broke the flow and mood of this already insufferably bad horror.  There’s other nudity as well and, even as far as direct-to-DVD horror goes, it’s not in good taste.  [How many strikes am I up to here?]

In the end, the way they defeat the evil, 20-something-possessing spirit is incredibly stupid–almost enraging.  Okay, I smiled a few times.  But it really is quite terrible.

http://thewolfmancometh.com/2012/12/17/hold-your-breath-2012-review/
They find a retired guy who worked at the asylum when the killer was executed.

http://ipirate4you.blogspot.com/2012/12/hold-your-breath-2012-web-dl-720p-650m.html
They form an evil spirit lynch mob.

Let’s just skip this one, okay?

http://citizencharlie.blogspot.com/2013/03/olympus-has-fallen-2013.html

MY CALL:  Behold the unbelievable scenario of Gerard Butler versus like 60 North Korean black ops terrorists and Butler wins.  A satisfying movie for guys who like movies with explosions, throat punches, machine guns and knife fights.  It’s like one super-long action sequence.  [B]  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Die Hard (1988), Taken (2007) and Live Free or Die Hard (2008).  WHITE HOUSE SIDEBAR: This is one of three movies this year involving terrorists taking the White House.  Odd trend, huh?  The other two are G. I. Joe: Retaliation and, nearly a clone of this movie, White House Down.

Agent Mike Banning (Gerard Butler; Machine Gun Preacher, Gamer) was transferred from the Secret Service after an accident resulted in the death of President Asher’s (Aaron Eckhart; The Rum Diary, Battle Los Angeles) wife.  He’s bored of his new desk job and misses being by his friend the president’s side.  But the president cannot bear the memory of his wife’s death.

http://collider.com/olympus-has-fallen-images/

During a meeting in the White House, the South Korean Prime Minister’s chief of security Kang  goes rogue.  He is actually a long dark-ops North Korean terrorist with sinister plans for the United States. Rick Yune (The Man with the Iron Fists, Ninja Assassin) really owns the role of Kang and his “no foolin’ around” hard line of terrorism.

http://collider.com/olympus-has-fallen-images/
This is Rick Yune’s cover photo on this month’s issue of GQ North Korea.

http://collider.com/olympus-has-fallen-images/
He even looks dashing man-handling Melissa Leo.

Kang’s White House takeover gives audiences a lot of continuous, intense action.  There are suicide bombers, huge guns, rapid fire guns, a kamikaze air assault, missile strikes, missile decoys, smoke bombs, explosions, creative road blocks, terrorists in tourists’ clothing and insider double-crosses–it drew a lot of laughs, smiles and “ooohs” from the action movie fans in the audience.  The White House lawn was painted red as somehow Banning snuck his way into the White House before Kang’s men had complete control.

http://citizencharlie.blogspot.com/2013/03/olympus-has-fallen-2013.html
Banning goes guerilla, utilizing the Korean terrorists’ gear.

http://collider.com/olympus-has-fallen-images/

http://collider.com/olympus-has-fallen-images/
Banning (Gerard Butler) rescues the president’s son.

Making his entrance, Banning watched in horror as secret service agents, responding to the sound of loads of gunfire, recklessly ran out into the open through the front door and were mowed down by Gatling guns.  For the sake of an impressive body count, the writers seemed to have decided that secret service men an White House security details are rather poorly trained and have no concept of using cover or evasive maneuvers when under fire.  This was a blaring flaw and it came with a lot of “OMG, REALLY!?!“  But it also made it fun.

With the president and vice president held hostage, House Speaker Turnbull (Morgan Freeman; The Dark Knight Rises, Conan the Barbarian) assumes the pressures of acting president.  As Turnbull weighs Kang’s threats with global security, Banning starts wading his way through the White House halls and BRUTALLY picking off Kang’s elite trained operatives.  The hand-to-hand combat isn’t quite what I’d prefer, filmed very close up, sometimes shaky, and with choppy one-cut-per-move editing.  But hey, this isn’t a martial arts movie.  It’s a series of super-long action sequences kind of movie.  And the hard hitting action sequences are quite pleasing to this action junkie!

Supporting actors include Angela Bassett (This Means War, Green Lantern) as Banning’s boss, Melissa Leo (The Fighter, Conviction) and Radha Mitchell (Silent Hill Revelation, The Crazies) as Banning’s wife.  Everyone did a fine job.  My biggest complaint wouldn’t be the acting, but the writing in the early scenes when we have the president’s happy family routine shoved down our throats.  Too many rainbows and not enough “real.”  But, again, this movie is largely a continuous IV drip of action.  So I’ll let it slide.

http://collider.com/olympus-has-fallen-images/
Angela Bassett and Morgan Freeman

Director Antoine Fuqua (Shooter, King Arthur, Training Day) must have anticipated how bad A Good Day to Die Hard was going to be and decided to give us “Die Hard in the White House” starring Gerard Butler to make up for it.  In fact, this movie was stunningly similar to the awesomely epic Live Free or Die Hard.  Let me count the ways…  1) The calm, cool, collected Kang looked so sleek in his vest outfit, not unlike the dashing and dapper, cardiganed Timothy Olyphant.  2) Like the Maggie Q to Olyphant, Kang also had a tough Asian computer whiz at his side.  3)  Like Willis’ John MacClane, Butler takes a beating in this movie and his bruises and blood don’t magically disappear between scenes as he takes a lot of punishment.  4) Like MacClane in Die Hard, Banning is the only line of communication with the outside, it takes a while for Kang to realize he’s even there, Kang and Banning exchange some smack talk, a bad guy pretends to be a good guy to try to kill Banning, and when the acting president and his panel don’t listen to Banning bad stuff happens.  5) Banning and his wife are having some problems–classic MacClane!  Basically, this movie was Die Hard with a North Korean Timothy Olyphant and Maggie Q in the White House.

http://collider.com/olympus-has-fallen-images/
Spoiler Alert!  Butler saves the day.

Is this a bad thing?  Hell, no!  I enjoyed it.  It was a fun.  Although it was loaded with faults, the faults sort of contributed to the fun.

http://collider.com/gi-joe-2-delay-reason-channing-tatum-3d/

MY CALL:  I’d call this a really, really, really great B-action movie.  God, I’d love to see the R-rated version of this!!!  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Olympus Has Fallen (2013), Die Hard (1988), Taken (2007) and Live Free or Die Hard (2008) all feature some loooong and numerous action sequences.

http://lakwatseralovers.blogspot.com/2013/03/gi-joe-retaliation-movie-review.html

Let’s start by stating the obvious: the plot is far from credible, basically akin to the simplicity of a cartoon supervillain with an over-the-top plan and he needs to be stopped by the good guys.

Still licking their wounds from the insufferable Rise of Cobra (2009), our super-soldiers led by Captain Duke (Channing Tatum; Side Effects, Magic Mike, The Vow) introduce the pace of this movie with an action sequence against overseas enemies.  The down side: after a successful mission the president orders an air strike to kill the whole team and frames them for some pretty serious war crimes, painting them terrorists.  They lose a lot of good men.  But the best of them, thought to be dead with the others, made it out alive…and something smells fishy!

http://collider.com/gi-joe-2-delay-reason-channing-tatum-3d/
They can’t trust anyone!

What’s that smell?  Well, it turns out that the president of the United States has been kidnapped by Cobra operatives, with one of them impersonating the president with some sort of nanotechnology that perfectly emulates facial structure and voice.  There’s the first heaping spoonful of over the top for us to swallow.

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/current-movie-reviews/gi-joe-retaliation.php
Lady Jaye looking lovely under cover.

Cobra operatives’ next step is to free their imprisoned Cobra Commander, who is in an underground super prison, and then bluff a nuclear coup to disarm the world’s nuclear powers and then threaten the world with a new, special weapon of their own design.  Waaaaaaaaay over the top.  When you see the world leaders meet to discuss nuclear disarmament it feels like a 12-year old wrote out the drama.  But, I guess this movie is for the 12-year olds, too, so I’ll leave it alone.

http://collider.com/gi-joe-2-delay-reason-channing-tatum-3d/
Dwayne Johnson as Roadblock

http://collider.com/gi-joe-retaliation-set-visit-recap/

Roadblock (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson; Fast Five, Faster), freerunner Flint (D.J. Cotrona; Dear John), the sultry Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki; Red Dawn, Legion), Snake Eyes (Ray Park; Jinn, The King of Fighters) and Jinx (Elodie Yung; District 13: Ultimatum) face off against Zartan, Cobra Commander, Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee; I Saw the Devil, The Good the Bad the Weird) and Firefly (Ray Stevenson; The Three Musketeers, Thor).  There’s also a painful ninja clan cameo by rapper-filmmaker Rza, who reprises his woodenly stale performance from The Man with the Iron Fists. Bruce Willis (A Good Day to Die Hard) also joins the Joes.

http://collider.com/gi-joe-2-retaliation-character-posters/
Byung-hun Lee as the shirtless, rippled, sweaty Storm Shadow.  Take it all in, ladies.

The action sequences vary in quality.  I found the movie’s opener to be a little weak, but I enjoyed most of them.  Later sequences and, especially, the mountain ninja clan battle between Snake Eyes and Jinx and Storm Shadow’s minions was quite good.  Likewise, a battle between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow along with Jinx training with Snake Eyes were also cool.  Leave it to the ninjas to save the day.  But they can’t take all the credit.  Flint’s freerunning assaults on Cobra, Roadblock versus Firefly, the Cobra Commander prison break and the big finale offer a lot of entertainment as well.

http://lakwatseralovers.blogspot.com/2013/03/gi-joe-retaliation-movie-review.html
Snake Eyes and Jinx training

http://funkyrabbeat.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/gi-joe-retaliation1.jpg

This movie is as entertaining as your ability to check your brain at the door and try to remember the scenarios you were playing out with action figures when you were a kid.  All the sudden, “the president needs saving again” starts to feel more natural.

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http://collider.com/gi-joe-2-retaliation-character-posters/

http://bon-scott.blogspot.com/2011/02/ghoulies-iii-los-ghoulies-van-la.html

MY CALL:  Too silly and too stupid to recommend to anyone who isn’t too high.  WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD:  Enjoy more miniature menaces with Puppet Master (1989) and sequels, Critters (1986), Ghoulies (1985) and Ghoulies II (1988).  SEQUEL SIDEBAR:  Other than the ghoulies themselves, I find no connection between this story and Ghoulies or Ghoulies II, which also found no connection.

During a 1972 flashback, it is revealed that the ghoulies were initially summoned by a Ghoulish Tales comic book which looked like the old Vault of Horrors comics by design.  The silly music and three stooges antics of the ghoulies makes quite clear that the tone is far less serious than parts 1 and somehow even less than 2.  The franchise has really transitioned into more of a comedy horror.  Not twisted, off-putting slapstick like in the Evil Dead series (excluding the 2013 remake), but true comedy.  Also, this is the first of the franchise to be rated R.  So expect some completely purposeless nudity–LOTS and LOTS of nudity for no reason at all.  There’s one scene in this movie that basically looks like a pillow fight in a strip club.

http://monster-crap.blogspot.com/2012/06/monster-crap-ghoulies-iii-ghoulies-go.html
We see a lot of Playboy Playmate Hope Marie Carlton in this movie.  A lot.

http://bon-scott.blogspot.com/2011/02/ghoulies-iii-los-ghoulies-van-la.html
Oooooooh… Playboy Playmate Hope Marie Carlton.

Moving to the present, some delinquent stoner finds a Ghoulish Tales comic and unknowingly accidentally starts to summon the ghoulies through a university toilet.  This university setting farcically depicts college students more as stoner 8th graders who throw paper airplanes for sport, make out in the middle of class and behave as if they have never been disciplined–like ever.  They have sex on gym equipment and get into Animal House shenanigans.

http://monster-crap.blogspot.com/2012/06/monster-crap-ghoulies-iii-ghoulies-go.html
Like Ghoulies part 1, there is a weird tongue seen.

Skip (Evan MacKenzie; Bad Dreams, Children of the Night) is a frat boy trying to win some sort of rush prank war.  He likes Erin (Eva La Rue; RoboCop3, Lakeview Terrace).  As an odd surprise, this movie features a small role played by Jason Scott Lee (Soldier, Arabian Nights, Dracula II, Dracula 3) as a frat brother.  Other random roles include those of Matthew Lilliard (Thirteen Ghosts, Scream) and Hope Marie Carlton (A Nightmare on Elm Street 4, Slumber Party Massacre III, Slaughterhouse Rock).  We find these characters involved in the ongoing prank war as the ghoulies create menace behind the scenes.  It’s not very interesting or funny (if you’re sober).

http://monster-crap.blogspot.com/2012/06/monster-crap-ghoulies-iii-ghoulies-go.html
Jason Scott Lee. For real!

The crotchety Professor Ragnar (Kevin McCarthy; Dark Tower, The Howling) finds the comic and finishes the summoning to bring the ghoulies into the campus. He ends up going mad and becoming power hungry.  He eventually transforms into a ghoulies monster mutant thing and is defeated when the comic book is flushed down the toilet.  Eh, not so interesting either.

http://ghouliesmovies.com/2011/05/14/ghoulies-go-to-college-1991-review/
A behind-the-scenes shot of Kevin McCarthy and his F/X co-stars.

http://monster-crap.blogspot.com/2012/06/monster-crap-ghoulies-iii-ghoulies-go.html
Here is ghoulie-mutant McCarthy.

http://monster-crap.blogspot.com/2012/06/monster-crap-ghoulies-iii-ghoulies-go.html
Aaaaaaaaaaand flush.

The ghoulies, as with part II, have received another level of special effects makeover.  But, sadly, now they talk and engage in a 3 Stooges sort of dynamic.  The sound effects and the ghoulies’ interactions make it obvious that the stooges served as a model for our little demons.  They’re also much larger now.  In parts 1 and 2 they stood 18 inches tops.  Now they’re a good two feet tall and much more massive.  I preferred them smaller.  For whatever reason this size simply doesn’t work as well.  Then again, nothing about this movie works as well as in its predecessors.

http://monster-crap.blogspot.com/2012/06/monster-crap-ghoulies-iii-ghoulies-go.html

http://monster-crap.blogspot.com/2012/06/monster-crap-ghoulies-iii-ghoulies-go.html

http://monster-crap.blogspot.com/2012/06/monster-crap-ghoulies-iii-ghoulies-go.html

The kills are just as nonsensical as the murdering ghoulies. They shove an entire, still living frat boy down a toilet and flush it.  I think you should do the same with this movie.  Just flush it and forget that it was ever made.

http://monster-crap.blogspot.com/2012/06/monster-crap-ghoulies-iii-ghoulies-go.html

http://monster-crap.blogspot.com/2012/06/monster-crap-ghoulies-iii-ghoulies-go.html

http://theincrediblystrangemovie.blogspot.com/2013/04/evil-dead-2013-new-clipsizzle-reelnew.html

MY CALL:  Practical effects, intensity and creatively re-architected scenes make this one of the best remakes of the last 10 years.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Like a lot of gore?  Here’s a stylistic mix for you.  The Cabin in the Woods (2012), Final Destination 5 (2011), Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010), Drag Me to Hell (2009), and of course Evil Dead 2 (1987) and The Evil Dead (1981).

So, first off, Evil Dead 2 was really just a reimagining-remake of Evil Dead.  So, too, is this movie.  How is this movie different and why should you care about it?  Well, it takes all of the elements, scenes, desperate tone and sets of Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2 and then distorts them just enough that even though we recognize each of them, we never really know when or how they’re coming.

http://mansplat.wordpress.com/2012/11/21/evil-dead-2013/
Bruce Campbell as Ash in Evil Dead 2

The Evil Dead playbook includes elements like reading from the wrong damned book, running through wall crawlspaces, erratic POV chases in the woods, tree rape (for lack of a better word), entrapment in the woods, untrustworthy mirror images, laughing deer heads, slamming doors, chainsaws, severing of “infected” hands, the famous bite on the hand from an infected significant other, burying your significant other, the rise from the dead of your significant other, the possessed pretending to be human to appear vulnerable, singing in the cellar…oh, and about 110 gallons of liquid gore!  Might I add, it’s all real gore, not some CGI spray coming from CGI demons.

http://deadshed.blogspot.com/2012/10/evil-dead-2013-remake-trailer-analysis.html
When you find a book wrapped in plastic and barbed wire, maybe you should leave it alone.

http://theincrediblystrangemovie.blogspot.com/2013/04/evil-dead-2013-new-clipsizzle-reelnew.html
But if you must open it and take a peek and you see this, maybe think about how much you like your soul and take a step back.

http://deadshed.blogspot.com/2012/10/evil-dead-2013-remake-trailer-analysis.html
And when the book says “don’t say it” then DON’T F@(#ING SAY IT!!!!

http://deadshed.blogspot.com/2012/10/evil-dead-2013-remake-trailer-analysis.html
Otherwise you get this…

http://deadshed.blogspot.com/2012/10/evil-dead-2013-remake-trailer-analysis.html
…and a whole lotta’ that!

So I told you it had all the same elements AND I just listed them.  So did I ruin anything for you?  Believe it or not, NO.  While all of these elements are present, they have been chopped up, modified, meshed with other elements, spread across the entire cast or lumped into one.  For example, there is no character that fills the role of Ash.  Not really.  But you’ll see “Ash” moments played out by different characters as well as “Ash” lines and other Ash-isms.  What’s great about this is that you don’t know who, if anyone, is going to survive this movie.  What a nice touch.  It all feels so familiar to Evil Dead fans yet, despite this familiarity, you never know what’s in store except for a few iconic scenes.

http://theincrediblystrangemovie.blogspot.com/2013/04/evil-dead-2013-new-clipsizzle-reelnew.html

http://theincrediblystrangemovie.blogspot.com/2013/04/evil-dead-2013-new-clipsizzle-reelnew.html

The lighting, set design and cinematography were perfect.  The mood went from “something doesn’t feel quite right” to straight up chilling and surreal.  Obscure camera angles brilliantly contributed by making tense moments much less comfortable even for unshakable horror fans.

http://theincrediblystrangemovie.blogspot.com/2013/04/evil-dead-2013-new-clipsizzle-reelnew.html

Likewise, the characters were great. I had doubts at first.  When we meet them it feels like any well-produced horror movie.  David (Shiloh Fernandez; Red Riding Hood, Deadgirl), Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci; Carriers), Olivia (Jessica Lucas; Cloverfield, The Covenant) and David’s girlfriend Natalie (Elizabeth Blackmore) all go out to a cabin in the woods to help David’s sister Mia (Suburgatory‘s Jane Levy showing us that more than just a sweetie) kick her drug addiction which has nearly killed her.  Natalie seems naïve, David has never been there for his family before, Olivia is a take charge nurse helming this mission and Eric is pleasantly reminiscent of what they’re remaking as a 70s-80s curious yet skiddish kind of guy who “thinks” he knows what he’s in for.  Mia is likable, but you can see she has the will and flightiness to be problematic even without evil demons’ involvement.

http://theincrediblystrangemovie.blogspot.com/2013/04/evil-dead-2013-new-clipsizzle-reelnew.html

As this intervention-rehab sets sail, one of them reads a few words from a skin-bound tome in the carrion-littered basement (a bit of a red flag already, I think) and some odd things start happening.  But no matter how odd, out of character, escalating to psychotic and murderous the events, to some they fall under the veil of Mia having a breakdown.  The actors all do a fine job.

http://deadshed.blogspot.com/2012/10/evil-dead-2013-remake-trailer-analysis.html

http://theincrediblystrangemovie.blogspot.com/2013/04/evil-dead-2013-new-clipsizzle-reelnew.html
Jane Levy did a great job.  She also plays the smiley teen in Suburgatory.

http://alangunn97.blogspot.com/2013/03/evil-dead-2013-movie-review.html

The big question on everyone’s mind seems to be “was this remake worthy of Evil Dead [and Evil Dead 2]?”  I think that whether or not people like this movie, the answer will be a mixed bag.  My personal opinion is YES IT IS.  Granted, there is none of the slapstick comedy of Evil Dead 2 or uber-over-the-top maniacal demon taunts of Evil Dead.  The only laughs you’ll get are familiar lines that were funny in the originals thoughtfully woven throughout the dialogue in such understated ways that unless you’re a diehard fan you’ll probably miss them altogether.  However, we get every bit of the gastrointestinal gross-out gore and then some!!!  On top of that we get some truly brutal and sadistic scenes that will make you cover your mouth, cover your eyes, hold your breath or spit swears of disbelief at the screen.

http://deadshed.blogspot.com/2012/10/evil-dead-2013-remake-trailer-analysis.html
This hurt.

http://deadshed.blogspot.com/2012/10/evil-dead-2013-remake-trailer-analysis.html
That hurt.

It’s hard to believe that Sam Raimi was only a producer and that this was Fede Alvarez’ first feature length picture.  I’m hoping they work together again soon!

So please, give this a chance.  Don’t skip it because the last ten horror remakes, reboots or re-imaginings disappointed you. This is clearly a remake, but the scenes you’ll see never feel like you’ve seen them before.

http://theincrediblystrangemovie.blogspot.com/2013/04/evil-dead-2013-new-clipsizzle-reelnew.html

http://laraandthereelboy.wordpress.com/2011/11/15/cult-classics-ginger-snaps-discussion-part-1-of-3/

MY CALL:  For its limited budget, this splendidly acted noir-ish coming-of-age metaphor could be perfect.  Just remember that this movie targets a teen audience.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Much as this is a metaphor for puberty, An American Werewolf in Paris (1997) serves as a coming of manhood from college man-childhood.  But it’s more of a positive journey.  If you’re in the market for another great werewolf movie that has a sense of humor, then see An American Werewolf in London (1981)–hands down the best werewolf movie ever made!  Second best might be The Howling (1981), which takes itself quite seriously.  Another fun one is Cursed (2005), which is loaded with clichés and honors many past horror flicks.  If you want another utterly ridiculous werewolf movie, then move on to Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985) and Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987).  But skip Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988), Howling V: The Rebirth (1989), Howling VI: The Freaks (1991) and The Howling: Reborn (2011).

High schoolers Ginger (Katharine Isabelle; Freddy vs Jason, Being Human, 30 Days of Night: Dark Days) and her painfully reclusive sister Brigitte (Emily Perkins) are asexual, suicidal, artistically fixated on death, and share a powerful bond: “out by sixteen or dead in this scene but together forever.”  Dark.

http://delirioushem.blogspot.com/2013/02/blood-guts-in-high-school-ginger-snaps.html

Ironically referring to menstruation as “the curse,” Ginger is attacked by a very strange looking wolf moments after realizing she is having her first period (and extremely late at 16).  For its humble budget, this movie makes every effort to be gory and graphic; and whereas the effects may verge on amateur, their impact does not.  During Ginger’s attack, the effects team and director clearly worked hard to “show us” as much as they could–bold, but impressive considering what they had to work with.

http://noahorourke.blogspot.com/2009/04/ginger-snaps.html

Ginger’s slow transformation strikes with the onset of puberty and the girls at first mistake her fast healing and physical discomfort for it.  This is a smart contortion of lycanthropic folklore and developmental human physiology, as both come with increased sex drive, physical discomfort (e.g., cramps) and aggression.  The transformation, be it puberty or lycanthropy, tears their relationship apart as Ginger becomes a more expressive sexual entity and Brigitte remains awkwardly asexual.  The beauty of this werewolf movie is that, like puberty, Ginger’s transformation is a long, gradual, painful change punctuated by uncomfortable surprises.

http://caritasfischer.blogspot.com/2013/01/ginger-snaps-my-sister-my-other-force.html

Despite their distancing, Brigitte retains her loyalty and helps to hide Ginger’s growing tail and keeps secrets about her violent exploits fueled by urges and a mix of carelessness and sociopathy.  But as Ginger does her best to embrace and adapt to her new traits, Brigitte becomes obsessed with “solving the problem.”  Brigitte was never a leader nor had to be in the presence of her strong-willed sister.  But now she must find strength in herself in an effort that faces threats of futility as Ginger, gaining strength but supplementing with denial, sinks deeper into her own bestiality–blind to consequence.

http://horrorfilms101.blogspot.com/2011/08/feature-other-ten-best-horror-films-of.html

http://zombievamp.blogspot.com/2008/06/38-ginger-snaps-john-fawcett-2000.html

Like Ginger, Brigitte transitions into something stronger–providing her own coming-of-age in the form of self-realization, the inverse of Ginger’s physiological change.  As she protects her sister from herself, Brigitte succinctly delivers doses of subtle sarcasm that keep us unprepared for the tour-de-force ending as the well-done hokey teen horror of the first 30 minutes slowly degenerates, forgotten in the wake of the dire, tragic pitch to come.

http://zombievamp.blogspot.com/2008/06/38-ginger-snaps-john-fawcett-2000.html

http://laraandthereelboy.wordpress.com/2011/11/15/cult-classics-ginger-snaps-discussion-part-1-of-3/

Ginger’s final transformation scene and wolf form are unimpressive (but the effort is certainly there).  The Howling (1981) and An American Werewolf in London (1981) had longer, better, more painful looking changes that effected pain and discomfort in viewers.  While a brief and forgivable offense, the transformation was the worst part of the movie.

http://noahorourke.blogspot.com/2009/04/ginger-snaps.html
Weirdest werewolf I’ve ever scene.

Out of place happy endings in horror are for those who have lost touch with reality.  Our leads do a FANTASTIC job capturing the sarcastic, depressed, colliding teen personalities of Ginger and Brigitte. In the beginning these girls swore to each other “out by sixteen or dead in this scene but together forever.”  They never even gave themselves a chance.

http://theolddarkhouseblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/ginger-snaps-2000.html

Give this film a chance.  It won’t disappoint you.

http://taliesinttlg.blogspot.com/2008/03/vamp-or-not-slaughterhouse-rock.html

MY CALL:  Avoid this at all costs!  “F”  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Other utterly awful dream-driven movies include Nightwish (1990) and Dreamaniac (1986).

Within the first few minutes I knew I was in for something awful.  The gore is laughable, but I think the effects people knew it and had a little fun with it.  The director also knew how bad this was. He must have when he called for nudity before the 10 minute mark, right?

Alex has been having stupid nightmares about dismemberment, flaying, disembowelment, being burned alive and monster claws.  When he starts to catch fire and levitate during his dreams, his friends become a bit concerned.

http://taliesinttlg.blogspot.com/2008/03/vamp-or-not-slaughterhouse-rock.html

Brothers Richard and Alex, their girlfriends (including Hope Marie Carlton; Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies Go to College), their roommates and a psychic professor venture to Alcatraz to stop the evil spirit that has been reaching out to Alex.  I hardly get why, though.  In the movie, they reveal that the spirit can’t cross the water from Alcatraz island. So why would you bring Alex to the evil?  Stupid movie, stupid plot–that’s the most logical answer I can imagine.

While in Alcatraz the ghost of a female heavy metal band lead singer who died during a tour of Alcatraz tries to help by offering Alex advice.  This is just weird and full of stupid dialogue.  The other weird thing that happens is that Richard is possessed and turns into a demon cannibal rapist, which is stupid, tasteless, and yet another lame excuse to add more gratuitous nudity.  In order to combat evil-rapist Richard, the metal singer ghost chick helps Alex to leave his body (via Astral Projection or something) by doing some retarded dance number.

http://taliesinttlg.blogspot.com/2008/03/vamp-or-not-slaughterhouse-rock.html
So this dance will help some wimp fight his evil-possessed bro.

http://taliesinttlg.blogspot.com/2008/03/vamp-or-not-slaughterhouse-rock.html

Cannibal Richard picks off his friends one by one as they try to escape from Alcatraz.  There is only one interesting moment to boast in the entire movie.  That’d be when possessed Richard punches right through a guy’s head.  We see everything, it made me smile, but sadly after that we returned to the crappy norm of this flick.

http://obscurecinema101.squarespace.com/blog/2012/7/4/top-20-horror-movies-not-on-dvd-yet.html

Clearly ripping off An American Werewolf in London, every killed victim walks Alcatraz as a ghoulish restless spirit heckling Alex to put an end to evil Richard’s mayhem.  Along with that, other ill-attempts of humor are made, but they all far short of a grin.

http://taliesinttlg.blogspot.com/2008/03/vamp-or-not-slaughterhouse-rock.html

http://taliesinttlg.blogspot.com/2008/03/vamp-or-not-slaughterhouse-rock.html
Playboy Playmate Hope Marie Carlton as a restless spirit

The “music” sucks in this abysmally budgeted 80s horror.  The editing is destitute, too–almost distractingly bad.  Wooden acting, a terrible story, a stupid evil spirit monster…there wasn’t anything about this movie that didn’t suck.  Even the gratuitous nudity sucked.

http://cerebrin.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/la-endemoniada/

MY CALL:  This film is purely ludicrous and should only interest horror fans because of its obscurity.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  If you like random and obscure horror movies then I’d suggest The Nesting (1981), The Outing (1987), Deadly Blessing (1981) and The Sentinel (1977).  ALTERNATE TITLE: Demon Witch Child.

http://killer–kittens.blogspot.com/2008/07/demon-witch-child-specializing-in.html

A bald gypsy woman is arrested for kidnapping a child and, for reasons beyond my comprehension, she jumps out the window to her death.  Evidently to avenge her mother, the gypsy’s witch daughter curses the daughter of the police commissioner.  She gives the girl a figurine and a necklace which seem to allow the ghost of the dead gypsy to enter her body.

http://killer–kittens.blogspot.com/2008/07/demon-witch-child-specializing-in.html

There’s a dumb levitation scene which seems to serve no purpose other than to confirm to the audience that, yes, she is indeed possessed.  The possessed little girl acts out the maligned misdeeds of the gypsy by sacrificing an infant, speaking obscenities, unconvincingly twisting her torso 360 degrees, loving Lucifer, engaging in a lot of telekinetic nonsense around the house, strangling people, a random castration, mimicking people’s voices, baby snatching, holding evil gypsy witch meetings.

http://cerebrin.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/la-endemoniada/

http://cerebrin.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/la-endemoniada/

It’s all rather melodramatic and boring.  Very boring.  The story doesn’t seem to have any aim as we watch the possessed girl carry out one sin after another.  In the end a priest burns a crucifix on her forehead and she falls impaled on a big cross.  Nobody wins, especially not the viewers.

http://killer–kittens.blogspot.com/2008/07/demon-witch-child-specializing-in.html

http://killer–kittens.blogspot.com/2008/07/demon-witch-child-specializing-in.html

http://cultvhs.blogspot.com/2010/07/possessed.html

http://horrorelhorror.blogspot.com/2012/02/puppet-master-5-puppet-master-5-final.html

MY CALL:  Part 5 marks the most noticeable drop in quality of any other franchise installments and is the first of the series that I might suggest you skip.  It’s just more of part 4 with almost none of the fun.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Puppet Master (1989), Puppet Master II (1991; the most slapstick crazy of the first three), Puppet Master III (1991) and Puppet Master 4 (1993).  Also try Ghoulies (1985) and Ghoulies II (1988).  SEQUEL SIDEBAR:  Puppet Master III (1991; set in 1941 and having the highest production value of the first three franchise installments) is actually a prequel to Puppet Master (1989), which occurs decades later in present day and is seamlessly followed story-wise by Puppet Master II (1991; which was the least serious, most zany installment).  Puppet Master 4 (1993) returns us to present day after Puppet Master II.  Part 5 picks up right where part 4 ended.

In Puppet Master 4, B-horror sequel director Jeff Burr (Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Stepfather 2) introduced us to a silly new villain and an even sillier premise: some netherworld demon lord named Sutec was sending gremlins after the now-turned-good puppets and anyone who knew their secret of eternal life.  The movie ended with a blatant revelation to the audience that a sequel was planned before this movie even hit the shelves.  So, with part 5, the story continues.

http://horrorelhorror.blogspot.com/2012/02/puppet-master-5-puppet-master-5-final.html
Dumb scene.

Robot and artificial intelligence engineer Rick (Gordon Currie; Friday the 13th Part VIII, The Terror Within II, Puppet Master 4), now wrongly charged with the murders of his friends and co-workers, reviews the events of Puppet Master 4 wherein he learned about Andre Toulon (Guy Rolfe; Puppet Master III, Puppet Master 4 and Retro Puppet Master, Dolls, The Bride), reanimation, the demon lord Sutec and the puppets.

http://horrorelhorror.blogspot.com/2012/02/puppet-master-5-puppet-master-5-final.html
Dumb demon lord.

As Rick makes bail and rejoins his girlfriend Susie (Chandra West; White Noise, Puppet Master 4), Sutec is reanimating his apparently dead demon “son” in a ritual that intermittently eats up the first 30 minutes of the movie, metaphysicist and psychic-channeler Lauren (Teresa Hill; Puppet Master 4) is in critical condition in the hospital and sending telepathic instant messages to Rick’s computer, and the guy who bailed Rick out of jail leads a team of goons to find the puppets so that they can profit from them.  It all moves along pretty slow (unlike all of the other Puppet Master installments).

http://horrorelhorror.blogspot.com/2012/02/puppet-master-5-puppet-master-5-final.html
Dumb demon lord’s son.

The goons looking for the puppets provide the kill fodder in this movie. They encounter puppets who pick them off and hit them in the nuts with meat tenderizers, and find nether-gremlin demons which suck their souls in the name of Sutec.  We also see Sutec’s “child,” which is really just another gremlin but with a necklace and the added ability to teleport (I suppose) through solid objects.  This little fiend seems hardly more menacing than the gremlins from Puppet Master 4.

The puppets featured in this movie include Pinhead, Tuneler and Jester (all five movie veterans), Six-Shooter (from parts 1 and 4), Torch (from part 3, but strangely not part 4) and Decaptiron (from part 4), who gets a brand new head attachment and continues to deliver Toulon’s awkward messages from beyond the grave–I think.  However, I’m confused as to whether Toulon is a spirit, or still reanimated from part 2, or what.  We saw him skulking around the hotel in part 4, but also sending his spiritual messages through Decapitron.  Hmmm?

http://horrorelhorror.blogspot.com/2012/02/puppet-master-5-puppet-master-5-final.html
Torch returns!

http://horrorelhorror.blogspot.com/2012/02/puppet-master-5-puppet-master-5-final.html
Jester and Pinhead

http://horrorelhorror.blogspot.com/2012/02/puppet-master-5-puppet-master-5-final.html
Jester, Blade and Torch

http://horrorelhorror.blogspot.com/2012/02/puppet-master-5-puppet-master-5-final.html
Toulon…or Decapitron…both? Eh, screw it!

The final showdown between the puppets and the sorcery-wielding son of Sutec is nothing special. Although, Six-Shooter gets some great stop-motion gun slinging action.  They aimed for a climax, but any cartoon episode pitting Mum-Ra against the Thundercats would prove much more exciting.  The closing scene is similarly cheesy and lame.

Eh, you could skip it.  I love a lot of lame horror and I barely got through this.  However, I did it without the entertainment support of friends and beer.

http://shitmoviefest.blogspot.com/2012/10/burnin-for-you-tribute-to-cropsey.html

MY CALL:  This was a great, campy, classic slasher movie which served as a teen, sex-driven comedy when blood wasn’t being spilled.  I highly recommend it.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  If you like laughs with your horror then watch The Cabin in the Woods (2012), Final Destination 5 (2011), Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010), Drag Me to Hell (2009), and of course Evil Dead 2 (1987) and The Evil Dead (1981).

http://cultmovieposters.blogspot.com/2011/12/blog-post.html

An 80s slasher-horror that takes place at a summer camp.  Yeah, I think I’ve seen it before–Sleepaway Camp (1983, and three sequels), Friday the 13th (1980, plus nine sequels, a Freddy crossover and a remake).  But don’t skip this with that notion in mind.

In many of these movies the killer is “made” by the mistreatment of campers; Angela was teased before killing the campers and staff at Sleepaway Camp, Jason Voorhees drowned while over-sexed lifeguards were smoking pot and making out at Crystal Lake.  Our killer is made when a prank goes terribly wrong.  Some teens thought it would be funny to scare the camp caretaker by placing a burning skull next to his bed for him to wake up to.  When he awakens, shocked, he knocks over the skull which catches his bed (and him) on fire and he’s horribly burned–hence the title.

http://happyotter666.blogspot.com/2011/11/burning-1981.html
This is our killer, Cropsy.  Don’t cry for him.  His “before” picture was nothing special either.

After five years of treatment and skin grafts he is released from the hospital.  This is a rather elaborate treatment considering that when we see his face in the end, it looks like someone just dumped water on him and left him for dead with a face looking like a melted candle.  The first thing he does is kill just about the ugliest hooker in New York.  This could probably be considered a public service.

Meanwhile, back at camp, we meet some horny teenagers including a young, scene-stealing Jason Alexander.  These campers were in no way connected to the misdeeds of our killer’s mutilation, but that doesn’t stop him from killing a bunch of them simply because their counselor was one of the prankster’s who wronged him.  This counselor seems like a great guy now, though. That is, until, he demonizes him in a true campfire tale of his mutilation.

http://happyotter666.blogspot.com/2011/11/burning-1981.html
To answer your question: “no.”  Jason Alexander wasn’t even thin as a teenager.

http://cinemasights.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/the-burning-1981/

It takes about an hour for the horror to start.  Until then it feels like an entertaining, raunchy teen camp R-comedy movie.  But when it does start it’s fun.  I mean, the guy is slaughtering teenagers with hedge sheers–I have no clue where he got them.  So be ready for some slashing, throat-stabbing and finger-clipping goodness.  The corpse and prosthetics effects were done well for the time.

http://cinemasights.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/the-burning-1981/
And now for a gore montage…

http://robsmovievault.wordpress.com/1981/05/08/the-burning/

http://cinemasights.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/the-burning-1981/

http://happyotter666.blogspot.com/2011/11/burning-1981.html

http://happyotter666.blogspot.com/2011/11/burning-1981.html

http://happyotter666.blogspot.com/2011/11/burning-1981.html

We get all of the typical campiness in this camp-horror classic.  Consistent with the time, we get bouncy bra-less breasts, extremely short shorts, sex scenes, skinny-dipping and shower scenes–there’s a lot of nudity. The teen campers talk about sex (constantly) and smoke cigarettes in between lines of raunchy dialogue.  When they’re not smoking in between talking about climbing on top of each other naked, they’re climbing on top of each other naked.

To this end, I would warn folks away from watching this with preteen fledgling horror fans who can handle most R-rated horror.  The sexuality is inescapable and there are many scenes in which the guys get way to pushy with unwilling girls.  No rape or anything, but it’d be enough to make you uncomfortable around younger viewers.  That, and again, a LOT of nudity.

http://happyotter666.blogspot.com/2011/11/burning-1981.html
It looks like that shirt was painted on.

http://cinemasights.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/the-burning-1981/
She actually looks less naked in the shower than she does in that shirt.

This was a great, campy, classic slasher movie which served as a teen, sex-driven comedy when blood wasn’t being spilled.  I highly recommend it.

http://cultmovieposters.blogspot.com/2011/12/blog-post.html

http://cultmovieposters.blogspot.com/2011/12/blog-post.html

http://hbfilms.blogspot.com/2013/03/house-hunting-2013-webrip-720p-english.html?m=0

MY CALL:  All sorts of weird surround this pleasantly surprising hidden gem of a surreal cabin movie.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  The Cabin in the Woods (2012), The Farmhouse (2008).

Charlie (Marc Singer; The Beastmaster, Beastmaster 2), Don (Art LaFleur; The Rig, Hostage) and their families (wives and two teenagers) both happen to be house hunting when their paths cross as they come upon a lonely house in the woods.  Both men find the lonely house in the pristine land appealing, but the mood immediately changes when they stumble across a strange, battered, terrified young lady (Rebekah Kennedy; Season of the Witch, Creature) with her tongue cut out running in the woods from something.  In an attempt to drive her to a hospital they find that the road continues to somehow return them to the house.  Again and again they drive away from the house only to be returned by some supernatural force.

http://horrornews.net/65491/film-review-house-hunting-2013/

Forced to stay in the house overnight, their sanity is tested and they begin to lose patience with one another.  There is no electricity, it’s cold, and they find seven cans of “stew” in a cupboard–and there’s seven of them.  Weird yet?  It gets weirder.  They see a strange man walking his dog who somehow disappears in front of them before they could ask him about the house and the next morning the cupboard has been somehow restocked with seven cans of stew.  Don’s son Jason insists that the strange tongueless girl knows what’s going on or, worse, that she is behind it somehow.

Days go by, stew is restocked, and attempts to leave on foot continue to return them to the house.  Another oddity is Jason, who taunts and comes on to Charlie’s daughter and is clearly attracted to her stepmother as well.  Yet more weird, they start seeing other people that simply “aren’t there.”  This begins to steer character psychology and interactions.

As they do what they can to keep their limited sanity, passing time in the house, they learn that some of them are connected to the previous owners.  But as the days wear on, the number of stew cans restocked in the cupboard drops to six and things continue to get weirder.

This film never seems to go anywhere, yet it has no problem maintaining my interest.  This is one of those weird movies that keeps you guessing while giving you nothing.  There’s not a lot of blood, but there’s a lot to keep our attention.

Give this film a shot.  I was pleasantly surprised by this little gem.

http://fastmovieblog.blogspot.com/2012/10/three-houses-of-horror.html

MY CALL:  Not good, completely underwhelming, no sense to be made. All the cowbell in the world couldn’t make this better!  WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD:  The Farmhouse (2008), House Hunting (2013).

Jack (Reynaldo Rosales; The 4400, Smallville) and Stephanie (Heidi Dippold; Mexican Werewolf in Texas) get lost in Alabama.  Their car breaks down in the woods and they wander into a bed and breakfast and meet Randy and Leslie, another couple who also broke down on the same road.  Oddly, the dining room is set for four as if they were expected.

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This bed and breakfast is run by a VERY strange woman and her VERY off-putting adult sons.  VERY clearly, something is not right about these people.

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The couples find they are trapped in the house by The Tin Man (Michael Madsen; Species, Piranhaconda), a local deputy and madman.  The Tin Man drops a can in the house which contains the “rules of the house,” which demand that there must be one dead body by dawn.  The caretaker and her son seem to know about this psychopath, and appear quite crazy themselves.

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After an altercation, we learn that the woman may be some sort of demon that bleeds black ectoplasm, that she and her sons are apparently deep into some black magic, and that the house has supernatural properties that taunt each of our four protagonists with the sins and guilt of their past.

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As we see how the house manipulates each of them, I find only melodrama, pandemonium and disappointment.  Instead of tactfully approaching one person’s past at a time, we simultaneously begin seeing everyone’s past haunt them at once.  It feels like a melee of disconnected, unexplained pasts bombarding you one after another like horror-writers’ Turrets syndrome.  Many of these scenes come in the form of flashbacks and, not taking place in the house, only reduce their effectiveness.

The Tin Man seems to know these people’s sins and guilt as if he’s some other-worldly dark force.  He’s not an effective antagonist and, frankly, the nature of this story does not require an anthropomorphized figure to represent forcing people to face the demons of their past.  Overall, the whole premise and the events therein feel completely unrooted and the only good thing about this movie seems to be the lighting.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/10008706-house/pictures/#8

As the movie wears on, instead of tying things together and making sense of the story and the characters’ pasts, we just get more random things happening and more new elements from their past and weird ways to present them; in short, more weird evil supernatural devices just “happen” as if they fell in the story’s lap by accident. The writer just continues to add supernatural components, but never links them or explains them.

It’s as if this was written as the movie was being created…with the producers and director screaming at the writer “MORE SCARY THINGS!!!” much like a drunk Christopher Walken raving “I gotta’ have more cowbell!!!”

http://thewebsite.wordpress.com/2010/05/30/saturday-night-live-the-best-of-christopher-walken/

Oh, right, then there’s this weird ghost girl who turns out to be good.  She tries to help the couples and acts as an opponent of The Tin Man, challenging his “rules.”  Any sense there?  No.  Just more cowbell.  And not the good kind.  Oh, and guess what: SPOILER ALERT!  The ending sucked, too.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/10008706-house/pictures/#2

Don’t watch this.  There’s not enough cowbell on Earth to save it.

Hello all. Mark here.

I love the Fast series. It started as a Point Break rip off and became a billion dollar fun factory. Intellectuals, gear heads and most everybody in the world appreciates the genius/ bonkers lengths the series goes to please the fans. For instance, bringing back Han, saying “bruh” a lot and magically killing zero innocent bystanders. It is a balls out insane fest full of huge crashes, long falls and scantily clad women dancing by cars. Fast and the Furious six looks to be taking it up to another level and it looks amazing.

Fast Six explodes onto screens on Memorial day and I cannot wait for many things to crash, Vin Diesel to warble and this scene.

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Fast 6 is certain to make a billion dollars so it is no surprise that Fast Seven is moving full steam ahead into production. Vin Diesel announced the theatrical date would be  July 11, 2014 and James Wan (insidious, Saw, Conjuring) would be  directing . This is exciting news because I love Wan’s films and if it Aint It Cool’s spoiler report about the bad guy is correct Seven will be a wonderful way to finish the most surprisingly lucrative series ever.

Are you excited for the Fast conclusion or is it coming too quickly? Also, I dig these posters but they seem to involve way too much thinking.

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http://laraandthereelboy.wordpress.com/2011/11/21/cult-classics-ginger-snaps-discussion-part-2-of-3/

MY CALL:  A worthy sequel for Ginger Snaps fans.  Not nearly as good, but certainly not bad.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Ginger Snaps (2000).  MORE WEREOLF MOVIES:  Much Ginger Snaps is a metaphor for puberty, An American Werewolf in Paris (1997) serves as a coming of manhood from college man-childhood.  But it’s more of a positive journey.  If you’re in the market for another great werewolf movie that has a sense of humor, then see An American Werewolf in London (1981)–hands down the best werewolf movie ever made!  Second best might be The Howling (1981), which takes itself quite seriously.  Another fun one is Cursed (2005), which is loaded with clichés and honors many past horror flicks.  If you want another utterly ridiculous werewolf movie, then move on to Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985) and Howling 3: The Marsupials (1987).  But skip Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988), Howling V: The Rebirth (1989), Howling VI: The Freaks (1991) and The Howling: Reborn (2011).

Remember in Ginger Snaps when Brigitte cuts her hand to “share” Ginger’s fate?

Since the death of her sister Ginger (Katharine Isabelle; Freddy vs Jason, Ginger Snaps, 30 Days of Night: Dark Days), Brigitte (Emily Perkins; Ginger Snaps) has been suppressing her lycanthropy with wolf’s bane injections like a drug addict while resisting Ginger’s taunts haunting her psyche.  However, she’s developing a resistance to her herbal remedy and she’s dosing increasingly more often.  Then, at about the most inconvenient time, Brigitte is placed in a mental hospital suspected of drug addiction by the tracks on her arm.

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During group therapy we find some humor as we hear Brigitte’s melodramatic self-prognosis and meet her new catty roommates.  But we’ll find far less humor overall in this sequel than the original. Overhearing some hospital staff discussing Brigitte’s strange addiction to wolf’s bane, a young girl nicknamed Ghost with a werewolf comic book and a while imagination begins to suspect Brigitte’s secret.

http://laraandthereelboy.wordpress.com/2011/11/21/cult-classics-ginger-snaps-discussion-part-2-of-3/

Without her wolf’s bane, Brigitte begins to heal more rapidly and slowly transform.  But more of a problem than keeping up with her wolf’s bane dosage is another, fully transformed werewolf seeking out Brigitte.  Supporting Brigitte through all of this–werewolves and wolf’s bane and mental hospital escapes–Ghost becomes much like a little sister.

http://laraandthereelboy.wordpress.com/2011/11/21/cult-classics-ginger-snaps-discussion-part-2-of-3/

This is a reasonable sequel that continues Brigitte’s story with a very different angle from part one–and none of the puberty/womanhood metaphor.  It’s not nearly as good as the original, but it’s a worthy, entertaining sequel.  The effects haven’t really graduated from the low budget of part one, maybe even a step back, but the gore is still effective.

http://paranoiastrikesdeep.blogspot.com/2011/10/ginger-snaps-twice.html

http://laraandthereelboy.wordpress.com/2011/11/21/cult-classics-ginger-snaps-discussion-part-2-of-3/

The werewolf looks more different than “better” compared to part one. However, Brigitte’s transformation is far less interesting and punctuated than Ginger’s was.  At one point Brigitte looks more like a D-movie ghoul or zombie than someone on her way to wolfdom. That make up was done poorly and represents the most major fault of the movie.  There is also no actual transformation scene–which, itself, is another fault of the movie.  But it does play well with the ending.

http://paranoiastrikesdeep.blogspot.com/2011/10/ginger-snaps-twice.html

Perhaps the most interesting part of the movie was Ghost’s character development.  She has her own dark secret and it becomes rather important in the third act and ending of the story.

If you enjoyed Ginger Snaps then I’d say watch this.  It’s not nearly as good but it’s certainly not at all bad.

http://thesaltmangotree.wordpress.com/2013/04/19/

MY CALL:  This film is visually a thing of ecstasy, structurally boring due to gratuitously wasted actors, and tells an interesting original story with entirely unoriginal concepts.

Set in the year 2077, Oblivion focuses on Jack Harper (Tom Cruise; Jack Reacher, Rock of Ages).  Jack is something of a soldier slash technician who patrols zone 49 and performs maintenance on hunter-killer drones which are tasked with eliminating “scavengers,” the leftovers of an alien force that invaded Earth 60-some years ago.  While the scavs lost the war, Earth was rendered uninhabitable.

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Jack and his handler, Victoria (Andrea Riseborough; Welcome to Punch) are the only two in their zone whereas Earth’s population has been relocated to Saturn’s moon Titan. Jack and Victoria underwent memory wipes to objectively carry out their long term mission.  However, Jack is haunted by dreams, perhaps memories, of a woman at the top of the Empire State Building–which is weird since he wasn’t alive back when that could have happened. When a ship crash lands with human survivors, including this woman (Olga Kurylenko; Seven Psychopaths, Centurion) from his visions, he begins to seriously question his mission and, well, everything.

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This film is beautiful! While completely different from Tron: Legacy, director Joseph Kosinski has again succeeded at capturing our eyes with commanding cinematography and powerful future-scapes. The story teeters at the edges of originality and patchwork familiarity. I very much liked it.  But I was constantly reminded of other great movies because of Jack’s integral role in the plot.  Conceptually sampled movies include Moon, I Am Legend, The Matrix and Independence Day–and the sampling is far from subtle.  However “unoriginal” one could argue this makes the film, all sampled elements were remade and stitched together quite pleasingly well.

The effects were largely represented by Jack’s shuttle and the drones, and they were awesome! A-plus CGI that didn’t at all feel like watching CGI.  Action sequences involving them were intense and felt a lot more “real” than sequences of the likes of A Good Day to Die Hard.  While this takes place in the future, I didn’t feel like the technology was hard to swallow.  It was all credible, which allowed me to invest my interest in Jack and the mystery that he was trying to uncover.

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So far this may sound pretty good, but there are a few “buts.”

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While Jack and Victoria create an effective dynamic, Morgan Freeman (Olympus Has Fallen, The Dark Knight Rises) is shockingly uninteresting as a Morpheus-like “resistance” leader. He and his right hand man, played by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (Mama, Headhunters, Game of Thrones), could have been completely eliminated from the plot.  Worse yet, both of these actors where given stagnant roles.  Their punctuated inclusion in the movie does little more than simply remind us that “yes, they’re in this movie, too.”  What a waste of talent…and a shame!  The “other woman,” the “woman of his dreams,” serves as little more than a plot device.  It’s a good one. But sadly, her inclusion as a character doesn’t really interplay well with Jack’s relationship with Victoria or “the resistance,”  which leads to a disastrously anticlimactic ending that mixes The Matrix and Independence Day but packs none of the punch, fun or smiles.

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The ending was as lame as when Ryan Reynolds beat the bad guy using the sun in The Green Lantern.  However, Tom Cruise and Andrea Riseborough perform fantastically.  It’s their relationship and their cold, remote, Brave New World-esque supervisor (Melissa Leo; The Fighter, Conviction) that draw us into this story, the mystery, and the gorgeous medium on which it’s presented.

This film is visually a thing of ecstasy, structurally boring due to gratuitously wasted actors, and tells an interesting original story with entirely unoriginal concepts.  Overall, forgiving some major flaws, I enjoyed it.  It’s just that, unlike most successful movies, the greatest satisfaction comes from our introduction to the world of Oblivion and Tom Cruise rather than an epic resolution.

http://movietrailerfolder.blogspot.com/2013/02/oblivion-2013-trailer.html

http://theaprblog.blogspot.com/2012/08/movie-review-kung-fu-dunk-2008.html
Despite the poster’s suggestion, there is nothing supernatural about his basketball skills.

MY CALL:  Wholesome, family-friendly fun.  You may need to struggle through some subtitles, but this is way better than any of that Air Bud nonsense.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Kung Fu Hustle (2004; not family-friendly), Kung Fu Panda (2008, 2011; VERY family-friendly), Chocolate (2009; no small children).  But don’t watch Fireball (2009), which horribly failed as a very violent mix of martial arts and basketball.

Our story begins with great cinematography (only early in the movie), an orphaned infant and a note.  The child is raised by a kung fu master and trained with all of the clichéd wisdom behind the yins, yangs and qi (“chi”) of the universe and one’s self.  After the untimely death of his master, Fang Shijie (Jay Chou; The Green Hornet, Curse of the Golden Flower) grows up as a kind-hearted yet semi-rebellious kung fu student.

http://lawmovieworld.blogspot.com/2009/01/522-taiwan-movie-kung-fu-dunk.html

Fang gets involved with some of the wrong people and gets expelled from his kung fu school.  But his skillful aim is quickly discovered by friendly hustler who directs his hands to basketball.  It turns out that Fang’s skill in kung fu translates well, making him a 100% free thrower even from half court…that is, when there’s no pressure or opposition.  His greatest opposition is from the team captain, who has a drinking problem that is presented in a rather family-friendly way.

http://1st-realboxoffice.blogspot.com/2009/02/kungfu-dunk-movie.html

Fang needs to learn the basic skills of the game and teamwork to be able to utilize his world class arm.  Through the support of his teammates and hard work he develops into a fine player.

http://1st-realboxoffice.blogspot.com/2009/02/kungfu-dunk-movie.html

Strong elements of comedy and classic kung fu theater action-isms mesh well with modern, stylistic camerawork.  The fighting and stunts are good (not great), and are not the focus of this movie after the first act.  This movie is about basketball and teamwork.

http://1st-realboxoffice.blogspot.com/2009/02/kungfu-dunk-movie.html

The greatest thing about this movie is that Fang’s skill is never met with arrogance.  He is always humble.  He wants to be an appreciated member of the team in addition to showing what he can do.  He also helps his team captain “defeat” his drinking problem.

The only bad thing about this family flick is part of the finale during the final game.  At this point hokey-wholesome turns uber-ridiculous when Fang’s kung fu school masters come to his aid with their weird, Harry Potter-esque personalities.  This scene also made everything about Fang instead of him being part of the team.  Thankfully, after 5-10 minutes of this, it’s back to teamwork along with an unfortunately slow but happy ending.

http://thewolfmancometh.com/2010/03/20/cabin-fever-2-spring-fever-2009/

MY CALL:  An unserious throwback to the original, this sequel was way more fun than expected!  Gore hounds will be super-pleased!  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Cabin Fever (2002), of course it should probably be seen first…okay, it really doesn’t matter.  But true lovers of hilariously gory overkill should also hit Evil Dead (2013), The Cabin in the Woods (2012), Final Destination 5 (2011), Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010), Drag Me to Hell (2009), and of course Evil Dead 2 (1987) and The Evil Dead (1981).

You’ve gotta’ love it when sequels offer continuity.  In this case, part 2 picks up right where part 1 left off.  Our last victim to evidently not-quite-die (Rider Strong; Cabin Fever, Pulse 3) crawling from the reservoir from part 1, now literally falling apart from the virus, runs through the woods for help until he finds a road and is liqui-splattered by a school bus.

http://thewolfmancometh.com/2010/03/20/cabin-fever-2-spring-fever-2009/
Sometimes liqui-splattered really is the best word.

In the next 20 minutes of this movie we learn three things:

1)  The first lines of dialogue reveal the acting quality with painful reality.  It’s as if it’s intentionally terrible.  As if part 1 was Oscar-worthy, right?  But, I have to admit, part 1 did feature better acting than we deserved for a movie that relied on slowly wasting away from a flesh-eating virus in an otherwise overly simple Cabin in the Woods premise.

2)  The effects and gore are not exactly indicative of a good budget. But the effort is clearly there and, for the money, they do a fine job with latex wounds and gallons of red liquefied human innards.  Much to my surprise, it’s really quite good.  They did a great job!

http://goregirl.wordpress.com/2011/01/19/cabin-fever-2-spring-fever-2009-the-dungeon-review/

3)  The opening (and closing) credits feature a cute cartoon which spoon-feeds us the plot of this sequel.  That reservoir with the infected bodies feeds into a bottled water plant which recently sent a large shipment to the high school destination of the fateful bus in the opening sequence–the one that liqui-splattered Rider Strong.  It’s all fun and comical, and the tone never seems to get very serious–not even when we are met with nudity and a sloppy high school make-out scene during which the misogynist Alex gets a blowjob from a chick with a deadly cold sore.

http://bloglagoon.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/cabin-fever-2-spring-fever-2009-reviewed/
See it?  Lower right.  Ouch!

What do these three things tell us?
This movie is gonna’ be a lot of laughs!

Moving on, John (Noah Segan; Deadgirl, Chain Letter) likes Cassie (Alexi Wasser; Growth, The Last Lovecraft) and, after some dreadful acting, John tries to secure a date for the prom.  Then there’s a little montage of prom prep.  To the lively tune of Born to be Alive we grinningly endure needless nudity, struggles with bowties, group photos of “the gang,” some Ferris Bueller peer pressure, and getting pumped up.  But when the locally bottled water is used for the prom punch we know we’re in for some real fun.  Returning from part 1, the local likably idiotic deputy (Giuseppe Andrews; 2001 Maniacs, Cabin Fever) adds to the sublime foolishness of the big picture.

http://clintjcl.wordpress.com/2011/10/31/video-movies-review-cabin-fever-2-spring-fever-2009/
Think she’ll say yes?

Director Ti West (V/H/S, The Innkeepers) shows us how much he loves tandem gore-spewing and how much he resents prom.  We have STD-induced penis issues, a viral prom miscarriage, some melting flesh, vomit to the face, all sorts of gore variety, and a prom staple first-time gone wrong.

http://bloglagoon.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/cabin-fever-2-spring-fever-2009-reviewed/
They used to be alive.

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He used to have two attached hands.

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That used to be a face.

You can’t go wrong with Cabin Fever 2!

http://moviegram.wordpress.com/tag/pain-and-gain-2013-movie/

MY CALL:  Pain & Gain is everything that I thought I wanted out of a bro-down action-comedy and then some.  If you’re a bro, see this movie.  I don’t think I’ll enjoy any movie more this year!  IF YOU LIKE THIS THEN WATCH:  Bad Boys (1995) and Bad Boys 2 (2003).

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Pain & Gain is everything that I thought I wanted out of a bro-down action-comedy and then some.  There’s muscles, lots and lots of muscles, weightlifting, knocking people the f@$# out, zany crime schemes, loads of hot girls in skimpy dresses and thong bikinis and sometimes nothing at all, dudes talking about getting ripped, humorous accidental murder, an idiot who thinks he’s a mastermind, some middle-of-the-road comedic torture scenes (but nothing hard to watch), adult sex toys and the unavoidable humor that comes with them, gun fights, idiotic disguises, chase scenes, The Rock hilariously getting cracked out on drugs, inappropriate scenes involving a priest, an AMAZING cameo by Ken Jeong, the traumatic loss of a toe, disposal of dead bodies, embracing the notion of the chubby-chaser, erectile dysfunction…and things constantly go wrong in the funniest of ways.

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This all leads to the most ridiculous courtroom criminal trial scene and somehow this is based on a true story!!!!!

This movie enjoys the narration of the ever-personable Mark Wahlberg (Contraband, Ted) as Danny Lugo.  Lugo is a personal trainer striving for physical self-improvement in the form of muscle mass–and is doing a pretty good job of it–but he wants more.  He wants the riches and the women; he wants what “the other guy has.”  In this case, the other guy is Lugo’s blow-hard arrogant client Victor (Tony Shaloub; Thirteen Ghosts, Galaxy Quest).  During training sessions Victor narcissistically runs his mouth about everything he owns and how happy he is to have it, and this gets Lugo salivating.  After Lugo attends an over-the-top self-help seminar from Ken Jeong (The Hangover 2), he decides that he is a “doer” not a “don’ter” and he decides to get off his ass and take what he deserves…Victor’s money!

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Lugo recruits Adrian (Anthony Mackie; The Adjustment Bureau, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) and the recently saved, sober and released from prison Paul (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson; Fast Five, G. I. Joe: Retaliation).  Together, these three bumbling fools engage in kidnapping and heists which they believe to be brilliant but lack a certain technical soundness.  Much to my glee, they’re quite far from brilliant.  But they achieve their goals in the most roundabout of ways and it is hilarious at all stages.

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Wahlberg has played the fool before (e.g., Boogie Nights, The Other Guys, Ted) and he does it at least as well here.  But the real shocker is Johnson, who plays his most over-the-top, weird, funny role ever.  He preaches AA lines like gospel, seeks to save Victor while torturing him and gets re-hooked on drugs–which leads to some amazingly funny scenes of a tweaked out 6’4″ 260 pounder with crazy eyes and a Fear and Loathing smile.  These guys must have had a blast on the set improvising these scenes because a lot of one-liners and exchanges were priceless.

Among their lies, they pose as famous filmmakers and CIA agents to win the heart of a stripper, who joins their CIA “team,” and make a mess of their attempts to be smooth movie criminals.  Later, their involvement with the porn king of southern California gets predictably out of hand as well.

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Some great supporting roles come from Ed Harris (Game Change, Man on a Ledge), who does a fine job as an ex-cop private investigator with a lot of local PD clout, and Rebel Wilson (Bridesmaids, Pitch Perfect), a physician’s assistant who catches Mackie’s eye.

I’m not saying this was necessarily a great movie to the masses. But for me, a Wahlberg/Johnson movie fan and action movie aficionado, this movie was perfect. I loved EVERY MINUTE of the often tasteless, shallow antics and also enjoyed Michael Bay’s obligatory explosions and chaotic gunfire (which was well-placed a few times in the movie).

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If you’re a bro, see this movie.