Bad Movie Tuesday: Thor the Conqueror (1983), another deliciously awful Italian fantasy B-movie.

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MY CALL:  If you’re a fan of atrociously bad 80s fantasy B-movies loaded with the worst fight scenes, depictions magic, occasional sexploitation, and creature effects ever—see it.  If you have to ask, this probably isn’t for you.  MOVIES LIKE Thor the Conqueror:  Do you like this 80s fantasy badness?  How about Flash Gordon (1980), Sorceress (1982), Kull the Conqueror (1997), Krull (1983), Conquest (1983), Deathstalker (1983), The Devil’s Sword (1984), The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984) and Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987).  All of these movies are better than Barbarian Queen (1985) in every possible way except for amply breast-filled minutes of screen time. Like all the fantasy but don’t care for all the “bad”?  Then perhaps aim for Legend (1985), Beastmaster (1982), Conan the Barbarian (1982), Conan the Destroyer (1984) or Willow (1988) on for size.

Bad movie posters. There is no bear or elephant in this movie, he doesn’t have short blond hair, she isn’t blond nor does she ever wear a fur bikini.  ALL LIES! LOL

I’m not gonna’ lie.  I bought this on an intoxicated Amazon shopping spree several years ago and have been dreading the day that I finally decide to watch it.  Well, today is that day!  Director Tonino Ricci (Cave of the Sharks, Night of the Sharks) and writer Tino Carpi (Tentacle, Warriors of the Wasteland), who have probably never made anything good between both their careeres, have provided our ultra-classy viewing enjoyment for the evening.

Don’t pretend you don’t see the resemblance.

We start by meeting a barbarian who looks like a caveman Weird Al Yankovic, his wizard companion and his pregnant wife.  After she scurries off into the bushes to give birth they are ambushed and face some of the silliest sword fighting ever.  For real, LARPers are more lethal with foam weapons than these idiotic berserkers.  After the barbarian father is killed by some kind of evil bad guy leader with an arrow through the neck, the wizard casts some spell to magically teleport himself and newborn baby Thor to safety.  Evidently he couldn’t be troubled to try to save the mother or anyone else with his sorcery.  He later demonstrates some magical abilities that could have come in handy in saving Thor’s parents!

Thor (Bruno Minniti; A Man Called Rage, The Porno Killers) is raised by the wizard, who apparently taught him swordsmanship—because wizards are known for that skill set—and not magic.  Go figure.

After a couple destitute action sequences his wizard surrogate dad pulls an Obi-Wan and turns permanently into an owl (for really no reason at all) to oversee Thor attaining his destiny, which apparently involves reclaiming his murdered father’s sword.  I’d again like to point out the power of this wizard and how he could have saved Thor’s family or simply accomplished Thor’s stupid quest on his own with ease.  He was casting spells from the afterlife, so he could have teleported Thor to the sword, and that would be it.  Boom: movie.

On his generally vague journey Thor is charged with fighting some women, escaping a tribe of primitive natives, meeting his hardly-clothed captive-turned-girlfriend Ina (Maria Romano; Violence in a Woman’s Prison, Women’s Prison Massacre), defeating his father’s murderer Gnut (Raf Baldassarre; The Killer Wore Gloves), and presumably engaging is forcefully non-consensual intercourse with two women—at the wizard’s encouragement to completely disregard the women’s rights or choice in the matter!  But hey, there’s consensual sex, too.

For real, her boob is ready to pull a Tara Reid and flop out at any moment throughout the movie.

So what makes this a bad movie?  Here are a few clues:

1. Thor’s first scenes have him speaking like Tarzan. Then later he talks normally.  Then back to “Me, Thor. You bad guy.”  No clue why.
2. His wizard adopted-father basically tells him to “have his way” with a scantily clad woman. “Go on and rape her, son.”  .. classy.
3. There’s violence against women. Thor straight up breaks a warrior woman’s neck while choking her out, then knocks a woman down and fondles her.  I’m so embarrassed to have seen this movie! SMH
4. Your drunk, overweight, Dungeons and Dragons-playing friends who have never been in a fight could stage better fight scenes than I witnessed in this POS movie.
5. A sword turns into a snake…then nothing happens! Apparently, a shot of a snake doing nothing was considered a big deal to the filmmakers.  I just scratched my head, chugged a beer, and tried to get on with my life.
6. Later Thor milks snake venom from a clearly non-venomous snake.
7. This is basically a mild exploitation movie.  And, like in Sorceress (1982), our protagonist has never seen the opposite sex.  Yet when exposed, he knows EXACTLY what to do with bare boobs!
8. Scan through this review and read the parenthetically annotated movies the cast, writer and director have done. Pure drudgery!
9. Needlessly scantily clad women. I’m not complaining, though.
10. The wizard “likes to watch” and boy is it creepy.
11. Thor is given the “first ever” horse in a world that has never witnessed mounted combat. So he rides it “to” the fight, then dismounts. Idiot!

This movie is terrible in so many ways.  But like many bad movies, if you go in knowing what you’re in for, it might be exactly what you wanted.  So sit back, have a few beers, and join a friend in watching one of the worst fantasy flicks of the 80s.