MY CALL:  This Italian horror fails to deliver the gore we’ve come to expect and is directed so poorly it’s about unwatchable.  But I won’t lie, I was somewhat entertained by its level of bonkers nonsense.  SIDEBAR:  Also marketed as Guardian of Hell, this Italian film was originally titled L’altro inferno.

80s Italian horror has a way of catering to our inner perverted intoxicated teenager.  It’s always so over-the-top.  Not five minutes into this movie and we see a hot topless dead nun on an altar in some sort of alchemical laboratory.  An overly sanctimonious nun mutilates the attractive body’s genitals while reciting zealous rantings about the Devil and the vagina being a gate to Hell.  Normally this would serve as a reliable sign that this would be one of those so bad it’s good gory Italian sensations.  Sadly, this submission falls short.

Nuns behaving badly.

“Bonkers” would best describe the storytelling style of this film.  Nuns go crazy, randomly show up dead and kill people, a priest spontaneously combusts, house pets become evil, there are a few strangulations and stabbings, and there is hardly any sense of sound explanation or pacing.  Put simply: weird shit happens, then we watch some filler scene that neither explains what happened nor establishes the events to come, then more weird shit happens…then just wash, rinse and repeat until you run out of running time, adding over-the-top acting, terrible writing and provocative imagery as necessary.

What’s with the large mannequin-esque dolls everywhere?  What’s with the ninja-masked nun chick?  WTF is going on in this movie!?!

After several inexplicable murders occur at a convent, the somewhat young Father Valerio (Carlo de Mejo; City of the Living Dead, The House by the Cemetery, Contamination, Manhattan Baby) is sent to investigate.  His faith is tested with temptation and his sanity is tested by the chaotic script.  I’d explain the plot more but…honestly, it was hard to keep track of what the Hell was going on.

Father Valerio and an evil nun.

Director Bruno Mattei (Hell of the Living Dead, Zombi 3) seems to try and fail to capture the off-the-cuff tangential stylings of Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci.  Even though neither of them were terribly talented storytellers, their direction was slightly less erratic (most of the time, LOL).  You practically could have randomly ordered the scenes of this movie without reducing the followability of this senseless plot.  For all I know, that may be exactly what the editor did!

So…this guy is in the movie.  I have no idea why.  Really.  No idea.  And why he dies in a dog attack I also have no idea.

The effects are weak and the gore is minimal, especially for an installment in Italian horror.  Not sure why.  Maybe red paint and chicken livers weren’t on sale that week.  Just to be clear, you all agree that 70s and 80s Italian horror appeared to simply use red paint and butcher’s trimmings as blood and guts, right?  Super thick and bright red with a few random chunks.  Normally crazy gore is what makes these Italian films fun and watchable.  Perhaps that’s likewise why this film was so disappointing.

I enjoyed bits here and there and, I must admit, I was somewhat entertained.  So while I’m not specifically going to recommend this to anyone, I won’t warn off any adventurous horror fans either.

MY CALL:  The fights weren’t great and overall this was just okay.  I feel it would have been better if Keanu didn’t direct it.  This is one of those cases where following the classic kumite martial arts movie tropes would have paid off.  MORE MOVIES LIKE Man of Tai Chi:  If you want great fights that will leave you begging for more, then aim for Bloodsport (1988), The Quest (1996), The Rundown (2003), The Condemned (2007), The Protector (2005), Ong-Bak (2003), The Raid: Redemption (2011), Undisputed II (2006) and Ninja II: Shadow of a Tear (2013), to name a few.

Keanu Reeves plays the quintessential Jean-Claude Van Damme movie bad guy.  Donaka Mark (Keanu Reeves; 47 Ronin, Constantine) drives a ridiculous car, lives in a ridiculous house and runs a ridiculous underground fighting syndicate simply to entertain himself.  He’s mega-rich yet he conducts a wealth of felonious business.

Tiger Chen (Tiger Hu Chen; stunts for The Matrix movies) is a disciplined martial arts practitioner, but he can’t seem to harness his Chi (sort of like becoming enlightened or something).  Donaka sees Chen win a kung fu tournament with his Tai Chi and wants him as a competitor.  Chen is young, innocent, has a kind soul, and wants to change people’s skewed perspective towards Tai Chi as a legitimate fighting style.  Tiger Chen brings us Tai Chi like we have never seen it before, a soft style done hard.

He comes to Donaka’s security agency for a job interview only to be attacked by a trained fighter.  The fight is the interview.  Chen is conflicted about using his fighting for personal gain, but accepts Donaka’s offer when his master’s 600 year old Tai Chi Temple is threatened.

The stunts are good when judged by themselves (out of the context of the fight scene).  There’s more wire-work than I’d prefer–really, if I can tell you’re using wires then you’re doing it poorly.  For me it was a little too much Matrix meets Hong Kong cinema, and not enough “practical yet amazing” stunts a la Undisputed II (2006).  The martial arts choreography fell far short of my expectations.  Bits here and there were great, but the parts in-between the occasional great few seconds failed to hold it all together as a credible fight of such caliber.

Did the action disappoint me?  Yes.  But did that mean that I couldn’t enjoy this movie?  Not at all.  This movie is presented with a straight face but has an over-the-top story that smacks of the 80s and 90s Van Damme movies that I loved so much.  Needless to say, it brought about a few chuckles at times.  Bloodsport (1988), Lionheart (1990), The Quest (1996)…these movies didn’t necessarily have “great” choreography throughout.   No, no, no.  But they had great fight scenes that entertained.  Man of Tai Chi tries to follow the same trajectory.  But a few showboat moments here and there to capture the oohs and aahs, glued together by “filler” choreography just didn’t do it for me.  Another down-side was that this was presented with none of the tongue-in-cheek humor we’d find in JCVD’s roles between the fight scenes.  This was maybe a teeny bit too serious.  As director, I think Keanu needed to have a little more fun with it all.

This was a waste of a fight.  Tiger Chen only fights this guy so that Keanu could show that he fought bigger, stronger opponents.

Same deal here.

Another thing the JCVD movies got right was that every opponent (and therefore every fight) had his own style.  Not just fighting style, but personality.  This film makes an attempt at this, but really fails to deliver.  I found myself unimpressed with some of the fights, and the fighters were often devoid of any personality.  The AMAZING Iko Uwais (The Raid: Redemption) gets a cameo, but it’s squandered.  FAIL.

The final fight against Donaka wasn’t even good, verging on farcically bad.  The choreography was poor, Keanu appeared to be moving very slowly yet somehow taking Tiger by surprise, the lines were hammed up, and there were no impressive moves.  Adding to the nonsense, Tiger manages to attain enlightenment mid-fight and basically throws a Kameha-meha Haduken to defeat his wealthy oppressor who keeps repeating “you owe me a life” like a broken villainous record.

Did I think this movie could have been done much, much better.  Absolutely.  But I still enjoyed it…in the sense that it’s “so bad it’s good.”  It was nothing powerful or wowing.  I’ll probably never feel the urge to see it again.  But it was okay.  I was marginally entertained by the fights (but didn’t love them), I liked the over-the-top story of an eccentric billionaire running an illegal fighting circuit, and I liked watching Keanu play this over-the-top bad guy.

In all honesty, I feel this would have been far better if Keanu didn’t direct it.  This is one of those cases where following the classic kumite martial arts movie tropes would have paid off.

Mark wrote a much more positive review of this film in case readers would like a second opinion.

MY CALL:  More adorable than horrific, Milo put a big smile on my face.  This is hands down the best movie I’ve ever seen about a butt monster.  MORE MOVIES LIKE Bad Milo:  Like a few laughs with your horror?  Try Final Destination 5 (2011), Piranha 3D (2010), Piranha 3DD (2012), The Hazing (2004) Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010), Drag Me to Hell (2009), Hatchet (2006) and The Cabin in the Woods (2012).  If you love gory, exploitative, intensely inappropriate movies and can tolerate subtitles I’d suggest you pick a few movies from A Beginner’s Guide to Tokyo Gore Shock Cinema.

Duncan (Ken Marino; Eastbound & Down, Children’s Hospital) leads a stressful life which, consequently, led to the development of an anal polyp.  His doctor’s prescription: avoid stress.  Of course, right after receiving this advice, he encounters nothing but stress.  His boss is pressuring him, his wife (Gillian Jacobs; Community) wants to start a family, his mother married someone younger than him, and his co-worker is making his work life Hell.

During an entertaining, gastrointestinally-scored bathroom scene, Duncan gives anal birth to Milo, the malevolent personification of his anal polyp which emerges from his ass to kill the source of his stress.  What’s REALLY scary, though, is that after Milo kills he returns and climbs back into Duncan’s ass!

The jokes are funny, but not quite the over-the-top nature I expected.  I thought this would be scripted more like Scary Movie.  Instead this was played mildly straight-faced…for a butt monster movie.  However, the physical comedy is HILARIOUS!  As far as butt demons go, Milo is pretty cute…adorable at times…like a shaved Gizmo, cooing and cuddling.  The creature effects were decent, too.

See?  Just plain adorable!

A lot of inappropriate things happen in this movie beyond the plotline that an anal polyp demon emerges from a man’s ass for occasional killing sprees.  A man falls face first into another man’s bare ass, a man’s face is eaten by Milo while Milo is still inside Duncan’s ass, a man’s penis is brutally bitten off…this is definitely the kind of flick you watch with a case of beer and some of your gore-loving bros.

Oh, and watch through the credits.  There are some really funny b-reels.

See the four-breasted woman in the poster?  LOL!  Yeah, so that happens in this movie.

MY CALL:  From tentacle monsters to four-breasted exotic dancers, this is definitely one of the better “bad” Sword and Sorcery movies of the 80s.  MORE MOVIES LIKE The Warrior and the Sorceress:  Like all the fantasy but don’t care for all the “bad”?  Let’s try Legend (1985), Beastmaster (1982), Conan the Barbarian (1982), Conan the Destroyer (1984) or Willow (1988) on for size.  Like the “bad”?  How about Flash Gordon (1980), Kull the Conqueror (1997), Krull (1983), Conquest (1983), Deathstalker (1983) and Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987).  All of these movies are better than Barbarian Queen (1985) in every possible way except for amply breast-filled minutes of screen time.

Representing the “warrior” of this movie title, the mysterious swordsman Kane (David Carradine; Kill Bill, Kung Fu: The Legend Continues) wanders into a small town, feels a bit parched, and frees the local well from hostile mercenary control, returning the water to the thirsty townsfolk.  Naturally, they’re so happy that they celebrate with nude well-top pole-dancing.  Yeah, it’s gonna’ be that kind of Sword and Sorcery flick.

The town is run by two criminal rulers: Zeg the Tyrant (Luke Askew; Frailty), the more calculating politico, and Bal Caz, an obese fool who accepts counsel from his monstrous pet lizard–reminding me of Jabba the Hut and Salacious Crumb.  Kane behaves more as a manipulative rogue than a warrior, pitting Zeg and Bal Caz against one another for his own personal gain.

Setting the Sword & Sorcery mood, this world has two suns and scarce water (much like Dungeons & Dragons Dark Sun campaign setting), there is some mythically sharp magical Sword of Ura (Dungeons & Dragons’ Sword of Sharpness), and topless mystics and servants abound.  The “sorceress” Naja (Maria Socas; Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom) is kept as Zeg’s slave and her only magical qualities are revealed by her wardrobe, or lack thereof.  She pretty much just walks around topless all the time.  I don’t think we ever don’t see her topless unless she’s altogether off-screen.  Not only is she perpetually topless, but for some reason no one ever seems to notice…you know…because that’s totally normal.  This would have been more appropriately titled The Warrior and the Topless Sorceress.

Carradine was 48 when this was released, but boy did he look worse for wear.  He could have passed for his mid-50s easily.  How about the muscled version of Carradine on the movie poster?  Reminds me of the muscled, and equally unwarranted Clark Griswold from the National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983).

It turns out that as our hero, Carradine is about the least-muscled person in this whole movie, and I’m including the topless sorceress.  Do some push-ups or something, man!  Despite the skills we know Carradine possesses, the fights in this movie are laughably bad.

This was the single best moment of action–a severed limb.  Had I blinked I’d have totally missed it.

The acting is pretty lame across the board, but the best performance was given by Bal Caz’ bipedal well-dressed pet lizard thing, which also served as the most interesting character in the movie.  Was this reptile pulling the strings the whole time?  Were Bal Caz and the lizard romantically involved?  There was so much to explore there.  At only 81 minutes, they certainly had room to expand on this little sideplot.

Don’t they look happy together?

What separates this movie from Deathstalker (1983) and the like is that the humble budget included a tentacle monster (much like a Roper or Otyugh from Dungeons & Dragons) to contribute to the fantasy element.

That, and of course a four-breasted exotic dancer.  Yes.  FOUR!  Total Recall (1990, 2012) had a three-breasted prostitute, Necropolis (1987) had a six-breasted necromancer, but before any of that we had a four-breasted exotic dancer paving the way for the polymastia-gifted ancillary female characters film!  God bless this movie!

As far as overall content and quality goes, this is a pretty good “bad” Sword and Sorcery movie.  It has all of the nudity of the shameless contributions to the genre, yet it makes the effort to deliver more story (however poorly written) and fantasy elements as well.

MY CALL: This sort of hilarious yet smart social commentary is like if a budgetless comedic The Matrix came out in 1988…oh, and there was no “matrix” or kung fu. Okay, fine! It’s nothing like The Matrix! MORE MOVIES LIKE They Live: The Hidden (1987), The Stuff (1985), The Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) and, on a microcosmic level The Thing(1982, 2011), all provide stories in which trust and conspiracy are tested during surreptitious alien takeovers.

Because the then-famous then-WWF wrestler Roddy Piper is playing a nameless drifter hero he is cast as “Nada” in the film–even though no one ever refers to him by this nonsense casting name. With this role Piper joins such nameless hero ranks with Kurt Russell (Soldier), Kevin Costner (Waterworld, The Postman), Antonio Banderas (Desperado), Scott Adkins (El Gringo), Dwayne Johnson (Faster) and Ryan Gosling (Drive).

Nada (Roddy Piper; Hell Comes to Frogtown) is new in town, strangely homeless, and looking for honest work. He and his sculpted pre-WWE body find work at a construction site where he meets Frank (Keith David; The Thing, Smiley), who has also fallen on hard times. These two tough guys get along immediately and we get the strong sense this will be a buddy movie.

Visionary writer/director John Carpenter (The Thing, Prince of Darkness) paints a world that is not unlike where you may live today. Like mental addicts linked to an IV-drip of social media, he illustrates the human race as media-steered cattle even before the advent of Facebook, Twitter, iPhones and email made this task of technological submission even easier.

Wow…how Brave New World of them.

Loosely touched upon in Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978; the “good” version) and The Matrix (1999), this film answers the age old question: “if the world was run by aliens would we know about it?”

Well, lucky for us Nada stumbles upon a pair of sunglasses that reveal the truth about society; how we’re besieged with imperceptibly numerous subliminal messages guiding our every decision…and how there are aliens living among us who look like their “face fell in the cheese dip back in 1956.”

 To quote Schwarzenegger: “You are on ugly mother…”

But how does Nada get Frank to believe his crazy aliens and magic sunglasses story? With a back alley WrestleMania streetfight of course. I should add that Roddy Piper and Keith David have the longest, funniest and most painfully awesome fist fight of the 80s. It goes first They Live (1988), then Rocky IV (1985), then Bloodsport (1988) and Cyborg (1989), then a bunch of Schwarzenegger movies, and then whatever else! This fight accounts for most of the violence in the movie and endures for a gloriously long running time.

Regarding his two-man alien resistance, Nada proclaims “I’ve come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubble gum.” I guess the human race is lucky the corner store was all out of Bubblicious. I can’t imagine these ETs-in-humans’-clothing will be too hard to fend off. The aliens enjoy idle small talk and gold watches, and their takeover plan involves a corporate buyout of the upper economic echelons of mankind to help control the poor. They don’t exactly sound like good fighters.

If you somehow missed this allegory-rich 80s horror staple, then get to it! It’s hilarious, it has the best fight of the 80s, and it has a lot to say about how we let ourselves be led.

MY CALL: This is a well-composed, solidly executed film and lovers of cruelty and jaw-dropping violence will likely enjoy it. It’s not great–but very good for sure. MORE MOVIES LIKE Frontiers: Looking for more extreme French cinema? Go for Martyrs (2008) and High Tension (2003) for sure! TITLE VARIATIONS: Frontier(s) or Frontière(s).

I’m beginning to develop a fondness for extreme French cinema. Martyrs (2008) and High Tension (2003) delivered some solid splatter along with well-thought stories that didn’t seem run-of-the-mill, formulaic or familiar. Frontiers may follow the ABCs of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie, but it remains well-executed and moderately interesting.

You’re gonna’ do WHAT to me?

Four morally questionable twentysomethings flee to the country from Paris after political events result in violent riots citywide. They find their way to an inn run by some rather crude, aggressive, lascivious folk…two attractive women, and their rough brother Goetz (Samuel Le Bihan; Brotherhood of the Wolf). They exude a strange mixture of unnervingly forced hospitality and an almost sociopathic abrasiveness. During their stay we come to find that much more of this strange family runs things around here…and not in the most conventional of ways.

You’re gonna’ do WHAT to me?

This twisted family turns out to be a bunch of cannibalistic neo-Nazis with a patriarchal pecking order and they have plans for their new guests. From here, as with any Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Wrong Turn, Hostel or Hills Have Eyes film, we sit back and watch while wondering if any of our protagonists make it out alive.

Writer/director Xavier Gens (The ABCs of Death - X is for XXL) brings us from a socially/sociopathically awkward bed and breakfast to a tour de force of violence, cruelty and gore. From hooks through Achilles tendons to using boltcutters on Achilles tendons, this film provided me with ample reasons to wince…and a lot of reasons for me to fear for my Achilles tendons! The sound editors clearly had their hands full with all of the bloodsplatter, bludgeoning, crushing and stabbing going on.

I was especially pleased with the acting. I don’t speak French, but the fear of the victims felt real and the family had a more intelligent and methodical Texas Chainsaw-esquevibe to their unsettling behavior and fearful respect of their father. The fear was certainly merited and shared by the audience because of the tone set by the constant violence. Although the violence never turns to rape or sexualized violence (like so many movies just out to shock us at whatever cost), there is abundant violence against women and the ease with which it’s executed is truly illustrative of the soulessness of our villains.

I found this to be a well-composed, solidly executed film and lovers of cruelty and shocking violence will likely enjoy it.  It’s not as intense, innovative, jaw-dropping or spectacular as Martyrs, nor does its mood ascend to the weirdness of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but this deserves the time of anyone who watches more than one horror movie per week.

This review was of the unrated director’s cut, which was not available with English dubbing. Surprisingly, the subtitles seemed poorly translated at times. I won’t explain…it’s no big deal, but you’ll see what I mean unless you can follow the film in French.

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THIS POST IS ABSOLUTELY NSFW

MY CALL: A largely inappropriate, exploitative fecal fiesta of tapeworm-induced zombiism. If you love ass and fart jokes, then this may be your Tokyo Shock Pulp Fiction (1994). I loved it! Needless to say, you shouldn’t watch this with your mother. MORE MOVIES LIKE Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead: Tokyo Gore Police (2008) and Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl (2009) also stand among the better representatives of the genre, delivering weirdly clever monsters/opponents and disturbingly creative gore, deaths and mutations–but they do so with a more serious tone. But if you prefer the wacktastic style of Noboru Iguchi, then try The Machine Girl (2008), RoboGeisha (2009) and Dead Sushi (2012). Also, in the spirit of ass-themed horror comedy, try Bad Milo (2013)-the story of an ass demon. Another bonkers wacktastic film featuring parasites and odd side-effects is Growth(2010).

Considering that the opening credits features girls dancing in short shorts and eating hot dogs, it seems that horror comedy writer/director Noboru Iguchi (The Machine Girl, RoboGeisha, The ABC’s of Death – “F” is for Fart, Dead Sushi) will never change his quirky ways…not that I’m complaining at all. In fact, I’d call this his best work yet BY FAR and one of the better installments to the growing exploitative Tokyo Shock genre.

A group of friends venture to the wilderness in search of trout parasites (tapeworms which they’ll evidently catch with a butterfly net) to make wannabe actress Maki (Asana Mamoru) thinner so she can be famous. Fearing that a zombie would have them arrested for catching trout off-season, they abandon their mission. But not before the large-breasted Maki swallows a fishing lure-like tapeworm to begin her journey to skinny town.

They wander to a nearby village which is filled with diarrhea-smeared zombies which vomit, you guessed it, more diarrhea. Why? I have no idea, probably because it’s gross and it makes drunk and high people laugh…and me. While succumbing to some wicked constipation along with the emergence of an evil mutant ass-tapeworm from her rear end, Maki becomes zombie kibble.

Yuck!  This looks like a job for two-ply for sure.

Our protagonist Matrix-bullet-dodging, martial artist, school girl Megumi (Arisa Nakamura; The ABC’s of Death – “F” is for Fart, Kazuo Umezu’s Horror Theater: The Harlequin Girl) is a quiet, innocent loner. But when the shit hits the fan and the crap-covered deadites are upon them she gains a Dwayne Johnson-like proficiency for shotgun headshots and general ass-kickery.

At least she’s wearing practical underwear.  I never understood how those ninja girls in Mortal Kombat could comfortably fight in their leather thongs.

We learn that every zombie has an evil monster tapeworm, which actually eats and then controls the brain of the infected body, and the zombies bite to infect others with tapeworm eggs. An early symptom of this tapeworm-induced zombiism is profuse fart emission. Hmmmm, I’m no tapeworm expert buuuuuuuuut…seems legit.

If you find this in your stool I would strongly recommend that you call a doctor.

Inappropriate bathroom scenes, an ass-to-mouth skewering, exploitative ass-grabbing, laboratory enemas, a lot of sexual and phallic scenes involving tapeworms, some nudity, feces-slathered sewage zombies, lots of bleeding from the ass, sexual tapeworm impregnation, panty-revealing high kicks, weaponized anal tapeworms and gastrointestinal sound effects all do their integral parts to contribute to this fart-scored film’s raunchy charm.

Reminds me of The Human Centipede.

Shit is everywhere. The stool-studded zombies even throw shit like they’re in the middle of a monkey shit-fight at the zoo. There’s spraying vomit (done with weak effects), blood-gushing prosthetic dismemberments, and the jettisoned gore is complemented by CGI and silly scenarios. It’s all done quite well and there was hardly a slow minute in this movie.

What really stoked the fires of hilarity is when the zombies start skittering backwards, butts in the air with their evil ass-tapeworms turtle-heading out of their rectal domains ready to strike. This butt-first assault briefly reminded me of endearing scenes from Braveheart (1995).

Eeeesh.  I hope it wasn’t chili night at the William Wallace mess hall.

This form of unsavory ass assault is so effective that we even find it employed in nature.  This looks like the beetle that sprayed Simba in The Lion King.

Regarding the action, this movie truly succeeded where its predecessors failed. The action was often original and some of the hand-to-hand combat was not only quite entertaining and thoughtfully (though humorously) choreographed, but well-executed given the effects and budget. We also enjoy tapeworms whipping from elevated cabooses like Scorpion’s Mortal Kombat “get over here” harpoon…which then turn a bit into Anime-style sexual assaults with tentacles.

The action-packed finale is loaded with diverse, decently-executed effects, a nifty monster for Megumi to fight, a clearly unconsensual tentacle mating scene, and aerial combat made possible by anal jet propulsion which all culminates in a Top Gun aerial death-by-enema victory! Because, when zombie-infected tapeworm evil is defeated by an enema in a fart-propelled dogfight, don’t we all win?

As if this movie could be spoiled for anyone, I’ll now warn “SPOILER ALERT.” What really brings this together is the underlying plot that a scientist has an “agreement” with the tapeworms contingent on the tapeworms curing his daughter’s myeloid leukemia. See? It’s thoughtful writing like this that proves that there are still original ideas out there.

Despite the exploitative, highly sexualized nature of this movie, it’s funny and never gets more than a bit awkwardly raunchy…for a Tokyo Shock film. If you can handle the Evil Dead (2013) tree rape scene, then this will be fine. It’s all in good (i.e., totally gross and raunchy) fun and the action ranks quite high in Tokyo Shock canon. This is one of the best Tokyo Shockers I’ve seen since I first saw Tokyo Gore Police (2008)! Needless to say, you shouldn’t watch this with your mother. BUT WATCH IT!

MY CALL: This was one of the more fun horror movies of the 90s, complete with a broad diversity of deaths, gore and effects. MORE MOVIES LIKE Wishmaster: Urban Legends (1998), I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997).

This movie is based on the idea that man was born of earth, angels of light, and Djinn of fire. These Djinn dwell in “the void.” Now, I’m no theologian, but when they next say that if a Djinn grants three wishes it’s freed upon the earth, I’m guessing that’s not from any religious text that folks study in seminary school.

Okay, so the Star Wars movies took place “a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away” where the Emperor wears his favorite hoody, shaves his eyebrows, suffers from red eye, and has powers.  The Djinn is way old, shares all of the same qualities, and his hoody is tattered from eons of imprisonment.  He also lives in “the void”, which I doubt is in our galaxy.  BRO!!!!  I think they’re the same dude!

Our story begins in 12th century Persia when some jerk wishes to be “shown wonders.” Can we just start by criticizing this stupid wish? A “wonder” to a wealthy Persian would wildly differ from a “wonder” to a homeless person. Purely subjective. If I were that genie I’d take “wonders” literally and make it so that the wisher could see thought bubbles hovering over people’s heads that showed what they were thinking. What follows is a gloriously gory sequence loaded with fun, diverse special effects ranging from a woman being attacked by a monster that formed from a man’s guts, a snake man mutant, a man’s stop-motion animated skeleton rips itself from its skin and attacks people, and some other fun stuff. After this delightfully entrail-rich sequence I think we all know we’re in for a fun ride!

This reminds me of Kuato, the psychic mutant stomach twin from Total Recall.

The hooded Djinn (Andrew Divoff; Lost) sounds just like The Emperor from Star Wars! They must be related. He would surely have take over the earth had a man not imprisoned him in a large ruby. Fast forward to present day and some gemologist (Tammy Lauren) rubs the ruby during an appraisal, thus resetting the pandemonium.

This poor dude made the classic blunder of wishing his eyes were melted shut.  He probably thought it was going to be way cooler.

Directed by special effects artist Robert Kurtzman (Jinn, Texas Chainsaw 3-D, John Dies at the End), clearly we see influence from the great horror of the 80s. For example, the Djinn “hatches” from the ruby looking quite similar to the quadruple-aputee monster that Craig T. Nelson vomits out in Poltergeist II (1986). Then, after granting his first wish, he slimily metamorphoses a la Hellraiser (1987) to his crusty Djinn form.

Here’s the Djinn’s BEFORE PHOTO…

Here’s the AFTER PHOTO.

 But he’s still just one peeled and borrowed face away from…

This dashing fellow!

To gain his freedom, the Djinn wanders around town trying to find Alexandra, the somewhat cute gemologist that rubbed his ruby prison. Now, every other genie pretty much ever appears immediately when its lamp is rubbed. It seems to me that if this Djinn was just more punctual, he wouldn’t have missed her after he emerged. He’s just lazy! During his search he coaxes (even fools) people to make wishes which he swiftly Monkey Paws, often resulting in their death. A bum, not realizing the genie’s power, trades his soul for a shower and a jug of Jack Daniels. A cop wishes he could convict a felon, who then shoots several of his colleagues in front of him at the precinct. A woman wishes to be beautiful forever and is turned into a mannequin. You get the idea. Yet, for all the evil genie’s power, he needs to ask around and interrogate people in order to find Alexandra so that he can force her to make three wishes.

The Djinn animates a gang of golems to help him.

It occurs to me that this genie would have been free long ago if he wasn’t such a jerk. I mean, think about it. If he granted wishes like the nice Robin Williams Disney genie, then people wouldn’t be afraid of him or his twisted wish-granting. He’d grant a wish, the wisher would be happy, he’d grant two more wishes, and he’d be free! It’s not like he has to ruin the wishes. He’s just an ass about it. If you ask me he deserves to be trapped in his gem prison without cable TV or Netflix for eternity!

Two more unfortunate wishes gone wrong.  I tried to tell them that “an arrow through the face” and “a crushed skull” weren’t good wish ideas.  They didn’t listen.

The special effects are abundant, gory, fun, and result in a variety of entertaining deaths. Also enjoy all the familiar faces of horror icons. Look for cameos by Ted Raimi (Oz the Great and Powerful, Drag Me to Hell), Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Hatchet, Galaxy of Terror), Tom Savini (Machete Kills, The Theater Bizarre), Tony Todd (Final Destination 5, Hatchet), Kane Hodder (Chillerama, Hatchet, Ghoulies Go to College) and narration by Angus Scrimm (John Dies at the End, Phantasm, Subspecies, Chopping Mall).

Kane Hodder gets a rather interesting cameo death.

This movie was one of the horror highlights of the 90s. It’s not conventionally considered “good” in any film classes, but it’s fun and entertaining. I enjoy it as much today as I did when it came out in 1997.

MY CALL: This movie really wishes it was Olympus Has Fallen (2013), but turns out to be more like the utter failure A Good Day to Die Hard (2013).  The action just didn’t live up to the scale.  I guess it was rather enjoyable and fun, just not terribly recommendable. AMAZON REVIEWS: Amazon reviewers seem to really like this movie. I’m not sure why. Maybe their younger or just easier to please and less elitist than me. I just wanted to be fair let you fine readers know that I seem to be the outlier in not being thrilled with this movie.

As Cale, Channing Tatum (Magic Mike, Side Effects, G. I. Joe: Retaliation) instantly renews his appeal to women as a dapper DC cop who playfully talks to squirrels, uses political favors to make his daughter smile and has the most likably neutral answers to personal questions. Unfortunately, like any wannabe-John-McClane he has some serious communication issues with his daughter and ex-wife. He applies for a secret service position and during the interview we learn what a screw up he once was, despite his claims to have turned his life around.

At his daughter’s request, they stick around for a White House tour after his cataclysmically awful, character dissecting job interview which, thankfully, makes him available to play the hero when the terrorists make their move and take over the White House to take the president hostage. The only credible role among the bad guys was played by Jason Clark (Lawless, Zero Dark Thirty)–no shock there. That guy could convincingly play a bag of shit lit on fire without the assistance of make-up or a special effects team.

Oh, crap.  James Woods is here.  This can only end badly.

Channing Tatum engages in a lot of, ummmm, “adequate” movie violence. Often taking on multiple gunman at once, he appears to be victorious for no more reason than simply because the script “says so”–and not from any means of looking like a convincing tactician or paragon of marksmanship. He does make excellent use of an economy-size toaster as an improvised weapon for about two seconds, but that opportunity is quickly squandered in lieu of run-of-the-mill fast-cut close-up action and we don’t get to enjoy any of the laughs we should have from it.

Jaime Fox gives us his best Obama impression, which comes off as more annoying than likable.  He was okay.

Not even when the Presidential stretch Escalade Limo is in a demolition derby on the White House lawn and under fire by antiaircraft guns was I impressed; a long action sequence wasted. Even the explosions didn’t get enough screen time to wow us!

It’s nothing special; certainly not as good as Gerard Butler’s work in Olympus Has Fallen. I’d say the PG-13 rating is about the worst thing that could’ve happened to a project like this. If you want to see some amazing and fun action sequences, I suggest Swordfish (2001), Live Free or Die Hard (2007), Olympus Has Fallen (2013) or Pacific Rim (2013).

Joey King’s (The Conjuring, Oz the Great and Powerful, The Dark Knight Rises) brave role as child to her handsome on-screen father (Channing Tatum) and the lack of extreme violence, swearing and nudity, make this a perfect action movie for a mother to take her son to see. Just to be clear, that’s my way of saying this action movie sucks. But bros who love big biceps and bigger guns will be disappointed by the lack of blood and swear-rich one-liners.

Channing Tatum spends a lot of time in a tank top.  No surprise here.

Director Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, The Patriot, Universal Soldier, Stargate) is no stranger to large scale action movies, but I feel that he really missed the mark on intensity and scale here. Halfway through this movie I found myself just waiting for it to end. The action didn’t improve as the story wore on, rather it got less impressive. I could tell that there were some good ideas for action, but either the budget failed Emmerich, or Emmerich’s vision is just not what it used to be.

This movie really wishes it was Olympus Has Fallen (2013), but turns out to be more like the utter failure A Good Day to Die Hard (2013) in the sense that I wasn’t as impressed as the grandiose scale of the action should have merited.   I guess it was enjoyable and often fun, just not recommendable.

MY CALL: The first half of this film serves as a stand alone film with great characters and a cool story. The second half squanders all the good that was curried in the first. Watch for the splendid beginning and try not to let the ending ruin it for you. MOVIES LIKE Afflicted: Chronicle (2012).

In most familiar form, this found footage film begins with a scene in which we are introduced to our protagonists. This smacks of obvious staging on the part of the writers and director and, in concept, it’s not an original idea. However, this is effective when done well and it really got me to invest myself in the Cloverfield (2008) characters.

In this film, the introduction to our stars Derek (Derek Lee) and Clif (Clif Prowse) is SUPERB! The directors and especially the film editors did a spectacular job to get me to completely forget that I was watching a horror movie as I enjoyed meeting this fun-filled pair. Our heroes are embarking on a bromance-adventure around the world and they’re going to record everything and make a topical website/blogumentary chroniclng their adventure.

I must say that I was astonished at how much I liked these characters within the first three minutes of this film. This is a rare quality in ANY film! Most horror movies are made to turn a profit. This was clearly crafted as a labor of love. These guys didn’t just have an idea worth showing us, they wanted to show us their real journey together as filmmakers as a meta-prologue to this film…this horror film. What a creative leap! They show actual film footage and photos of themselves together as teenagers sharing their love for filmmaking and convincing us of their most sincere bro-bond. It’s actually kind of…well…sweet. You believe these characters because these actors are these characters, they have taken their actual selves and imported that concept into a horror premise. I shit you not, I stopped the movie and started it over after the perfectly done six minute intro just to watch it again in all its splendor. These characters are full of life-loving passion, every day quirks and credible flaws. You will identify with their dreams. Even if you don’t enjoy the horror of this movie, you’d have to be stone cold to not enjoy the intro.

Things take an interesting turn when our gameless Derek–against all geeky odds–manages to take a French girl to his hotel room and Clif later finds him beaten and gashed up, unconscious, and with no recollection. Clearly sick with something but driven to continue, Derek insists they continue their expedition. From this point, what would normally be formulaic feels subtly approached yet tactfully shocking. Derek begins exhibiting symptoms that are all too familiar to any horror fan. These symptoms are presented cleverly, they foreshadow a dubious future, and they stoke the playful intrigue of discovery much as was done in Chronicle (2012). In many ways, this film borrows from Chronicle (2012). Derek seems to have superpowers.

Derek also seems to be…changing. With this change the tone shifts from fun and adventurous, to dark…and darker. Unfortunately the “darker” third act of this film (which is half of its running time) seems to fall apart, squandering the interest it curried in the first 45 minutes.

I was never someone to scoff at found footage films. Whereas many unfairly stereotype that it’s just a cheap method to get low quality films released quickly, I always viewed the style as a “tool”–and I think most open-minded critics would have to agree. Crappy films come in all forms, and so do GREAT films. The first 45 minute of this movie (but not the second half) represents a good film and I hope it will get found footage haters to shut their mouths and re-evaluate whether they’re truly mad at found footage as a style….or if they’re simply upset and feel cheated for wasting their money on a few horror duds that happen to be found footage horror while completely ignoring the horror slop they also hated that happened to have standard (and thus more expensive) production. Found footage is “different” so it’s easy to point a finger at it and say that’s why it’s not good. Don’t just join the mob and hate…even if you didn’t like this film.

My biggest criticism of this film is that it probably should have only been 45 minutes. It could have ended right there appropriately. After about the 45 minute mark this seems to become an entirely different movie and all the cool, the new and the interesting has already become old hat.

Despite my feelings about the second half of this film, the first half stands alone as a good film and should be celebrated.

      MY CALL: More bloody fun than an at-home scissors Cesarean, this film will fill your screen with brutal gore like a sprinkler system in Hell, and the gore is matched by the claustrophobic sense of desperation. This film is a real winner for lovers of extreme violence. MOVIES LIKE Inside (akaÀ l’intérieur): Looking for more extreme French cinema? Go for Martyrs (2008) and High Tension (2003) for sure! Maybe even try Frontiers (2007), but it’s not as good as the other two.

Shortly after the death of her husband, Sarah wishes to spend the holidays alone away from her family while awaiting the birth of her first child. But when a strange visitor arrives at her home, alone is the last thing Sarah wishes she was.

She was probably texting while driving.

This film begins at a somewhat slow but interesting pace. But once the gore comes into play the effects team, sound editors and actors have their work cut out for them as things turn into a messy shockfest full of impalements accompanied by the most visceral of sounds. Béatrice Dalle does a fantastic job as the gap-toothed nameless menace who obsessively wants Sarah’s child for her own while Alysson Paradis (as Sarah) is convincingly tortured and terrified. They each bring their own brand of desperation and, when they clash, you may want to turn away.

Directed by at-the-time newcomers Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury (Livid, Among the Living, The ABCs of Death 2), Inside brings all manner of shocking imagery from car crash victims to nightmare birth sequences. The brutality knows no end as blood spews from stabs to the throat, face, hand, knee and even crotch. At one point someone’s face is blown off in about as fantastic a manner as I’ve seen.

But the hits just keep on coming and the shocks continue as kitchen appliance assaults, make-shift flamethrowers, an improvised domestic bayonet and some alternative uses for scissors all contribute to the most blood-splattered movie sets I’ve seen in ages.

@Vile_Reviews (https://twitter.com/Vile_Reviews) seems to share my newfound love affair with French horror.  They say “I am a big fan of a French horror…There’s a particular flavor about them. They often use blood with as much impassioned flare as they do butter.”

This film may have started out slow, but with each palpable laceration our pregnant heroine becomes ever more speckled and smeared red with the heightening mania. Moving to the finale, we shift from gory and shocking to absolute bonkers neo-natal insanity complete with an at-home Cesarean birthing scene with blood cascading down the stairs.

She probably should have opted for anesthesia, huh?

This is an absolute win for lovers of extreme violence and intense gore. So put on your favorite gore bib and dig in!

MY CALL: A flimsier story and a little less gore than the original, but still this is a worthy sequel with a smaller budget that was stretched as far as possible for our entertainment. MORE MOVIES LIKE Wishmaster 2: Wishmaster (1997).

Our story beings with a robbery in the very museum where Wishmaster (1997) ends. During a shootout between museum security and some hooded bandits, the statue which entombed our favorite wish-twisting Djinn’s ruby prison is shot, loosening a chunk of stone and revealing the artifact.

Honoring the Djinn’s gorily memorable emergence in the franchise opener, part two follows suit by having the museum wall apparently “give gory birth” to our horribly misshapen genie (Andrew Divoff; Lost, Wishmaster) from a gore-slathered stain turned bubbly mess. He’s slimy and distorted and he wastes no time before soliciting wishes to a dying thief…which apparently results in the Djinn’s resumption of his normal, tentacle-headed form.

Now things get a little weird. So the Djinn goes to prison after admitting to being a museum robber and Morgana (Holly Fields; Communion, Seed People), the thief who unearthed the Djinn’s ruby, gets away. As the Djinn (in Andrew Divoff’s form) engages in his Monkey Paw shenanigans while serving time, Morgana has sweaty dreams in her underwear as if they share some sort of psychic link.

But why does the Djinn feel content to remain in prison? His powers are limited to granting wishes, I suppose, so maybe he can’t leave…I’m really not sure. Is it really easier to dupe people out of their souls in prison? He should go to an elementary school. He should have no problem getting kids to wish away their souls for no homework, ponies, cookies for dinner and the like.

Despite how painfully slow and ineffective dial-up internet was in the 90s, Morgana somehow sleuths out what the Djinn is and what he wants. She realizes that she has to stop him! But why she’d want to stop him from killing a bunch of incarcerated felons is beyond me. He needs 1001 souls before he comes for Morgana’s. I say let him take a few more criminals out first.

This sequel is helmed by the slightly more established director Jack Sholder (A Nightmare on Elm Street 2, The Hidden). With an uninspired plot, this sequel’s story is just as flimsy if not more so than the original and we enjoy a little less of the gore and the wide variety of effects presented in part one–perhaps a function of a lower budget (which was half that of the original and this is especially obvious in the final act). But you can tell they tried to do a lot with what little they had. I can appreciate that.

Replacing some of the gore is more acting…specifically, Andrew Divoff’s menacing performance. He’s awkward yet appropriate and over-the-top yet spot on given his supernatural, riddling role. He gets more screen time in this sequel, as well as more “horror humor” a la Freddy Krueger. Andrew Divoff is great in this. But make no mistake, he is no Robin Williams or Barbara Eden; this is not your mother’s genie movie.

Somehow this wildly out-of-place, inappropriate imagery makes its way into the movie.  Don’t ask.

Despite having a flimsier story and a little less gore than the original, this is a worthy sequel with a smaller budget that was stretched as far as possible for our entertainment.

MY CALL: This film is one of the strangest, most disturbing story-driven things ever filmed. Surreal, symbolic, creepy and imaginative…this is a deep investigation into fixation, manipulation, obsession and acceptance. There is nothing like it. HOW YOU CAN WATCH THIS RARE MOVIE: You can find several versions of the entire movie on YouTube and, though typically with few copies at a time, it can be purchased on Amazon–but you may need to purchase a foreign import.

Zulawski’s Possession has slowly acquired a cult following of mythical proportions. Those who have seen it surely understand why. Those who haven’t probably just read synopses and have no clue what they’re missing. This is the one horror movie you could ever see in your life that has neither borrowed ideas or been borrowed itself. It’s perhaps far too cavalier and it comes as no shock that no one else would dare approach the themes of this film.

Mark (Sam Neill; Event Horizon, Daybreakers) and his wife Anna (Isabelle Adjani; Nosferatu the Vampyre) are having difficulty after he learns that she wants a divorce. Mark becomes generally obsessive about learning why Anna, who he still loves, wants the divorce; whereas Anna becomes generally increasingly histrionic in her attempts to escape him and his attention. These characters are severely neurotic, seemingly thriving on each other’s bizarre behavior–yet, for all their apparently extreme behavior, they are somehow all too human.

As I watched I began to wonder if Anna truly was this crazy, or if the film is depicting Mark’s “perception” of Anna. Are they really this violent? Or are these reflections of how Mark feels, what Mark “wishes” he could do, how Mark “wants” to slap the crazy out of her?

Mark discovers that Anna has a lover named Heinrich. But fear not, this is no spoiler as it produces more questions than answers when he learns that she lies about being with Heinrich when really she is…with someone else. Anna’s true obsession has a somewhat gruesome process and nothing will stop her from reaching her strange end goal.

In case you find yourself doubting the psychological undertones of this film, their son’s teacher Helen (also played by Isabelle Adjani) looks exactly like Anna, but is her polar opposite in temperament. And starting a relationship with Helen lessens Mark’s obsession with Anna.  At the insane end of the spectrum this film features the most disturbing miscarriage scene and the most bizarre sex scene I’ve ever seen!  I have intentionally not mentioned many aspects of this film and it may sound like more a psychological thriller than anything, but I assure you it’s also a bizarre horror movie with supernatural components.

These images should help convince you that this isn’t just some sick relationship drama.

This film is neither easy to find (for purchase or rental) nor understand, and I expect it was likewise difficult to write and film. It shifts from an intense drama, to a dark mysterious horror, to something of a Euro-action… And all the while we are left to wonder which events truly transpire, and which are entirely products of Anna’s fragile psyche (e.g., the famous subway miscarriage scene) or, perhaps, what Mark’s rage perceives as her fragility and desperation.

The ending is unsettling and unclear. But the use of doppelganger characters and perspective reveal the dark and distorted nature of intense relationship conflicts, often resulting in perceiving our resistors as mirroring our own mania.

This film is CLEARLY one of the strangest, most disturbing story-driven things ever filmed. Surreal, symbolic, creepy and imaginative…this is a deep investigation into fixation, manipulation, obsession and acceptance. There is nothing like it.

     MY CALL: This movie captures a good idea, but does so very poorly. There are a couple good scenes here but they are largely outweighed by the bad and the very bad. I give this two disfigured alien thumbs down. MOVIES LIKE Alien Abduction: Some good and not so good alien abduction movies include Skinwalker Ranch (2014; TRAILER HERE), Dark Skies (2013), The Fourth Kind (2009), Fire in the Sky (1993) and Signs (2002). TRAILER: You can find the trailer for this movie in my Horror Trailer Talk.

This found footage film opens with the following caption: “The following is actual leaked footage from the US Air Force.” It’s cute when obviously untrue stories masquerade as true stories just to add mood or generate buzz. The Fourth Kind (2009) had people rushing to Google to check stats of people disappearing and FBI investigations in Gnome, Alaska. They did it well. Although that was about all they did well.

“For centuries, people have been disappearing on and around Brown Mountain, North Carolina. Locals believe the disappearances are directly linked with sightings of THE BROWN MOUNTAIN LIGHTS.” News casts, accounts from locals and witnesses, and testimonials from paranormal experts follow. These segments represent one of few things that were done well in this movie.

A family goes on a camping trip in the Brown Mountains. The parents and kids are somewhat likable, normal people and their trip is filmed by their youngest son. On their first night, the kids see lights in the sky moving in a way no star possibly could.

The acting is far from top notch. When the father gets them lost and loses his temper his behavior is totally unfounded. When they run out of gas (which I don’t see happening on a family road trip into the mountains) the family tension escalates and the father becomes rage-y, again unconvincingly. Then again, even if they nailed their lines, the writing wasn’t great either. They come by several abandoned minivans and SUVs…as if some camping family Rapture had taken them all, leaving their cars and camping gear behind like a scene from The Walking Dead but without the walkers or corpses.

We come across all the standard alien invasion film tropes. Birds becomes disoriented and fly into things creating jump scares, obscured film of extra terrestrial figures in the darkness, lights in the sky, satellite interference, alien mind control telepathy attacks a la Independence Day (1996), aliens examining humans, tractor beams, monstrous alien sounds…you name it, these filmmakers borrowed it.

Almost none of this is executed well. But there is one really cool, brief scene in the entire movie when a tractor beam gets someone, cracking and contorting their body while being levitated.

The aliens follow the most simple of paradigms. They’re tall, lanky, grey-skinned, big-eyed, four-fingered extra terrestrials that sound, at times, like the Predator (1987) mating with a velociraptor while slitting a pig’s throat. Later we hear them communicate with the bubbly blip sounds from Signs (2002).

First-time director Matty Beckerman does a hardly serviceable job delivering an entertaining movie. The biggest faults are clearly found in the writing (also done by a first-time writer) and acting, especially the loner mountain man the family encounters–worst performance in the movie by far. There are some pacing issues as well, with some seriously dull lulls between periods of action. This movie actually goes from okay, to bad as we transition from the first act. It just seems to get worse and worse and the film wears on.

Maybe I’d take a chance at whatever this director does next, but I won’t get my hopes up. At one point in the movie the mother describes Brown Mountain saying “It’s like Deliverance, minus the anal rape.” As far as my enjoyment of this movie goes…well… it’s like Deliverance, with the anal rape. There were short segments of this film that were done well, but too much was poorly for me to recommend this to anyone.

MY CALL: This monster movie makes no sense, is terribly inconsistent and felt like a scareless PG-13 movie for over 60 minutes. But it’s ending is so senselessly bonkers, gore-slathered and creature-tastic that it was all worth the end. MOVIES LIKE Under the Bed: I’ve got nothing. But staying in general theme I’d suggest Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark(2011) and The Boogeyman (2005). OTHER REVIEWS: Crimson Quill’s Appraisal #170.

Novice director Steven C. Miller (Silent Night) takes a stab at an R-rated contemporized approach to the classic “monster under my bed” story. I was generally pleased with Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark(2011) and The Boogeyman (2005), so why not give this a shot?

After years apart following the death of his mother, disheveled and angsty teen Neal (Jonny Weston; John Dies at the End, Taken 3) returns home to live with his father (Peter Holden; Alien Abduction) and younger brother Paulie. He had been sent away two years ago to “get well” after he burned the house down with his mother in it, defending himself from the monster residing under his bed. Now that he has returned, he learns his little brother has been tormented by the same demon every night.

The notion that an otherworldly monster can magically cross into our dimension through the floor under one specific kid’s bed is pretty silly. Terrifying, in fact. That it only does so in the dark while you’re asleep…even scarier. There was so much potential for dark figures and painfully drawn-out tension. But for some reason I never saw or felt either. And what about the story…actually, what exactly is the story? What drives this monster and how did it get in their house? Why did it want these boys? Are there more of these monsters? Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark(2011) and The Boogeyman (2005) made at least some effort to explain their monsters, their motivations, their origins and their behavior. But here, it just seems that this monster came with the house and its abilities and weaknesses seem to change without explanation as the movie persists. That’s really all we get.

Not willing to tell their parents this ridiculous story (as they haven’t in years past), the two brothers unite to fight this monster. They arm themselves with flashlights, tape, wire, a power drill and duct tape. But is this monster really a threat? Neal was once psychologically tortured and sleep-deprived by this creature. But that creature had 365 opportunities a year to get the upper hand on a sleeping child and somehow never won! After Neal left, his younger brother made it 730 consecutive nights unscathed. If this monster was really in the business of eating children to survive, it clearly would have starved to death by now. It doesn’t seem that menacing. A clawed hand reaching out from under the bed is scary, YES! But if it never does anything else…what’s the big deal?

I think the filmmakers really thought this movie was scary…..it wasn’t. Despite their addition of loud music prefacing “SOMETHING SCARY” every time the camera zooms in on something (like, for example, the edge of a menacing bed skirt), I never felt convinced that anyone old enough to buy their own ticket for this movie could possibly be frightened by it. Sophomoric scare attempts include a shaking washing machine and load noises, loud noises by themselves for no apparent reason, and close-ups of Neal looking at the bed with loud noises. Noticing a trend here?

LOUD NOISES!

THEN ALL THE SUDDEN EVERYTHING CHANGED!

For over an hour we sit back and wonder why this movie isn’t rated PG-13 or even just PG. Then, after years of going hungry under the bed, the monster suddenly decides to show Neal’s family and the audience that it is, in fact, not at all bound to the bed!

Neal and Paulie are next door when the creature arrives and twists off the neighbor kid’s head in a gloriously gory display. There’s that R-rating we came for! When they run back home it follows them and tears their dad’s head apart like a food processor. You hear that? It just followed them! Why the Hell did it just stay under the bed all these years? We went from a lame movie starring a rubber claw under a bed with loud music and no scares to a gore-slathered, slimy creature romp.

The monster itself is actually pretty damned cool looking and the special effects are up to snuff as well. It looks like an inbred, disfigured Moorlock covered in snot.

Why on Earth the director waited so long to reveal this creature, the action and the gore is beyond me because all of the exposition leading up to this was completely empty and the other characters–the parents, the neighbors, some random love interest that never goes anywhere–really never offered anything to the story, which never made any sense to begin with beyond the simple fact that inexplicably there is a child-hungry monster under Paulie’s bed.

Earlier in the movie it is established that the monster only comes out in the darkness and is bound to beds…yet here it is in this well-lit living room and no where near a bed.

If things weren’t random enough yet, the monster actually fashions a hunter’s rope snare, traps Paulie like an animal and drags him into the under-the-bed slimy Netherworld! So, just like in Poltergeist II(1986), Neal ties a rope around his waist and goes after him armed with a flashlight trident.

Someone should tell this kid that the monster forgot that light was its weakness.

I can’t even believe what I’m writing right now! WTF is going on in this movie? Were the writers all high? When they come back to–ummmm…reality I guess–the monster now literally has the ability to teleport before our eyes like Nightcrawler in X-Men. H ooray consistency! Then Neal is about to lose a fight against our under-the-bed teleporting Netherworld snot monster when he discovers that his dead mother’s ashes are its one weakness. Yeah! He throws his mother’s ashes on the monster and that’s what kills it!

After a slow, confusing start this film eventually catapults its audience into a tumultuous spin cycle of bonkers gore, creature effects and action which–despite making no sense whatsoever–make the whole experience worth the price of admission. In fact, the last 20 minutes were so off-the-wall entertaining that I don’t regret buying this at all. Yes it’s very dumb. But it’s the kind of dumb I want to share with friends with an improvised drinking game.

Enjoy the madness.

MY CALL: An intelligent, superbly acted vampire story, serenely-scored and with a more realistic, fresh perspective. MOVIES LIKE Byzantium: Interview with a Vampire (1994) provides a more classical, romantic approach whereas We Are the Night (2010) keeps things totally modern and Euro-sleek.  For gorgeously lethal movies, the beauty of Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006) and Hanna (2011) actually by far eclipse this film and are both highly recommended for the unique sensory-driven style.

This finely shot film opens with an elegantly underspoken narration by Eleanor (Saoirse Ronan; Hanna, The Host), a young woman who reveals that her fate is bound to Clara (Gemma Arterton; Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Clash of the Titans). As we are cautiously introduced to these strong characters our eyes traverse one scene to the next, and with each we swiftly approach an understanding of their desperate lifestyle spent drifting and suppressing secrets.

The acting is superb. Like Anne Rice’s Lestat, Clara portrays the ruthless, manipulative, survivalist parent whereas Eleanor (much as the resistant Louis) resents her mother’s actions. Director Neil Jordan (The Borgias, In Dreams, The Crying Game, Interview with a Vampire , The Company of Wolves) has an impressive résumé including period piece drama, sexual thriller, classical vampirism and gory non-mainstream fairy tale horror, so we I read he was directing this film let’s just say “you have my attention.” This film moves at a generally slow pace, punctuated with occasionally eventful blood flow. It is far from exciting; more “interesting” really. For even the slow seasons curry my curiosity of what fate will befall Eleanor, Clara, their relationship, their lives.

Through a series of flashbacks we discover a more mysterious vampire origin; one that neither matches folklore nor is completely explained .

Blood waterfalls on mysterious islands.

These vampires walk in daylight, cast reflections and have no fangs, but live forever, crave blood and require invitation. The vampirism is not exactly presented subtly, but the focus is placed on Clara and Eleanor’s struggle to survive and the growing strain on their relationship. To protect this secret Clara would do anything. But it seems Eleanor yearns to share her secret. When she meets a brooding love interest (Caleb Landry Jones; The Last Exorcism, Antiviral) her willingness to suppress her secret wanes.

The score is serene, able to lull a beast to calm before putting it down. It complements the thought-provoking, moody atmosphere so well as we estimate the dubious future of these vampires. The gore is abundant in brevity, but not distasteful, and occasional scenes are brutal, but appropriate. One shot of bloodletting was actually quite beautiful.

I was never swept away by an Anne Rice-esque violent vampiric passion. But I remained engrossed in this story, beautifully told by characters with depth.

MY CALL: All the gore and dumb plot but not of the Divoff’s canny evil cheeky charm of the previous release. A noticeable drop in quality for the franchise, but at least the effects are still fun and cheesy. MOVIES LIKE Wishmaster 3: Wishmaster (1997) and Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies (1999) are both much better, largely for Andrew Divoff’s ability to appear credibly pleased with his Djinn’s evil. OTHER TITLES: This movie has two other subtitles. Most commonly listed as Beyond the Gates of Hell, this movie was also released as Sword of Justice and Devil Stone.

First off, bad news guys. Andrew Divoff (Wishmaster, Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies) will not be returning to play the Monkey paw, wish-twisting Djinn. If you loved his performance in parts one and two, then maybe this movie isn’t for you.

After an opening montage of museum relics including something akin to Pinhead’s Hellraiser puzzlebox, the camera settles on a nightmare-plagued, semi-attractive college girl (A.J. Cook; Final Destination 2, Wer, Mother’s Day). Diana, having agreed to help her classics/mythology professor with some Iranian exhibit at a museum, snoops around and discovers the foreboding puzzlebox-looking artifact. I’ll give you all one guess at what’s inside? BINGO! A giant blood ruby! As if it made perfect sense to do this, she immediately rubs this ruby (which was already clean and sparkling) with a rag. Aaaaaaaaand GENIE! But just like the previous two movies, the genie never seems to arrive until after the ruby-rubber departs, leaving the genie with the need to find them.

Instead the genie first encounters Diana’s professor, who wishes for a co-ed threesome, sees some boobs, and is killed for some reason.

Then, with no Andrew Divoff lookalike to be found, the Djinn settles for him and takes his face.

So now the Djinn looks like this…

Instead of this.

This box and ruby was shipped to her mythology professor who says the Iranian trinket is inscribed in Aramaic. So he teaches classic mythology, studies Iranian relics and reads Aramaic? Smart guy. I get that some academics have weird combinations of interests, but this is up there with Christopher Lloyd in Piranha 3D (2010) being a fish store owner who is an expert in piranha biology (so he’s into ichthyology), extinct piranhas and their fossils (a dash of paleontology; not too farfetched yet though), and the local subterranean bodies of water (yup, cave lakes) in a region with no piranha species (and now it’s ridiculous that he has a fish store there). Oh, and he owns a piranha fossil. Doesn’t that thing belong in a museum, bro?

Anyway, the genie arrives and two things are very different about this movie compared to its predecessors. One, there is no highly memorable, uber-gory opening in which the genie must eat a soul to become fully constituted into the tentacle-headed monster we’ve come to love. And two, Andrew Divoff’s iconic evil voice has been replaced with some synthesizer-enhanced voice. It’s not good. Worse yet, the franchise’s budget clearly took yet another hit, leaving the Djinn’s skin looking as rubbery as ever.  And what’s with the goofy over-sized ears?

Amazon’s editorial review claims this is “the goriest installment of the hit franchise yet.” That’s a blatant lie to sell DVDs, people! You’ll find more truth in the Djinn’s granted wishes! This is no more gory than previous installments…which is sufficiently, playfully gory. I’d say it’s the least gory, but not by a lot. The gore seems to drop with each subsequent sequel (and budget cut).

It’s far beyond the stabs and blood in a typical slasher movie. Gross, gory scenes include “forced” magical liposuction-to-death and gutsy limb regeneration. Overall, the gore is a little less than part 2 (and way less than part 1) but the effects team made a decent effort with what they had. The classic Wishmaster “face peel” looks a bit lame in this movie and his genie magic is still depicted as cheaply-CGI’d blue electricity.

The real downfall in this third installment–other than an actor who couldn’t fill Divoff’s shoes–was the Djinn’s appearance. If you think I’m being critical take another look at the Djinn’s make-up and prosthetics paint job. Like so many other lower budget horror movies, this sequel relies on nudity to fill the void…not that it needed it to be entertaining. I guess starving actress’ breasts are cheaper than rubber guts these days.

The most totally random thing that happens is when, by Diana’s wish, her boyfriend Greg (Tobias Mehler; Disturbing Behavior, Carrie [2002]) gets transformed into an archangel (i.e., Greg now has blue eyes and a sword) for a painfully bad fight complete with Djinn-flipping, pew-throwing nonsense. This fight is about as bad as the story (which was admittedly about as bad in part 2) and the genie’s attempt at evil humor (which was actually loads of fun in part 2–did I mention how much I miss Andrew Divoff?).

The twisted wishes are as lame as ever, there gore well doesn’t flow as abundantly, and Andrew Divoff’s replacement offers none of the fun personality that fueled the success of the first two installments. So, why watch this one? Honestly, despite the stupid story it’s not bad for a “fun” 2001 horror and it’s rather decent considering its budgetary constraints. The effects are largely biased towards the second half, but once you arrive there they make for an entertaining ride.

  MY CALL: This movie teaches us to Just say “gno” to drugs…and movies with Blood Gnome in the title! MOVIES LIKE Blood Gnome: I think Ghoulies (1985) is what you really wanted when you thought to yourself “how bad could this Blood Gnome movie be?”

Writer/director/editor John Lechago (Bio Slime, Killjoy 3, Killjoy Goes to Hell) has put together a real stinker! This movie has low film quality akin to a WikiLeaked sex video, lousy writing and even worse acting. This comes off as a poor student-made film. Given the present filmmaker’s skills, it should come as no surprise that nudity abounds (including a Julie Strain cameo) to cover up its shortcomings with juvenile entertainment. Lloyd Kaufman’s raunchy, exploitative Tromaville films are more attentively crafted than this crap.

From the start we learn that a drug distributor has some little monsters in a crate. As horrible as this movie clearly is, this actually raised a brow in interest for me at first.

A naked couple engaged in BDSM activities are killed by an invisible force.  Spoiler alert! Blood gnomes did it! A crime scene photographer (Vinnie Bilancio; Witchcraft XI, Bio Slime) is on to something strange when he sees a tiny bloody hand print and starts seeing invisible monstrous gnomes eating victims with his infrared camera setting.

What’s preposterously stupid here is that he sees the gnomes eating the victims right in front of the CSI team! As if they’re being invisible meant that no one would see the masticated flesh or hear the slopping sounds of flesh-eating two feet away from them.

As if it was his job to solve the case, our photographer becomes involved with a dominatrix and his “research” takes the form of BDSM sessions. How this will help a photographer solve a string of evil gnome homicides, I have no idea! As a result, far more than telling a story about carnivorous fairies this movie succeeds at teaching the ABCs of BDSM to anyone completely ignorant to the subject. In fact, that may be the only thing this movie does successfully.

The budget is bare bones low. It’s as if the special effects were paid for with whatever they had in their pockets at the time, which wasn’t much. The blood work is weak and the blood gnomes are less impressive than Muppets. In one scene we see a blood gnome birth and find out the source behind the drug…blood gnome afterbirth from some tentacled abomination. It’s never made clear what these monsters are or where they came from before some drug-dealing dominatrix got a hold of them. But I guess I’m glad I was spared having to endure any more screen time fumbling through a poorly rendered explanation.

The effects are weak, but later in the movie the blood gnome attacks become marginally entertaining and much more frequent.

I’d have to recommend that you skip this one.

MY CALL: A brutally dark, intensely and weirdly and unnervingly erotic, AMAZING art house film brimming with an admixture of visual splendor and vile imagery. This is easily among the most provocatively messed up movies I’ve ever seen. MOVIES LIKE Antichrist: For relentless sexuality go for Nymphomaniac (2013). 127 Hours(2010) for a sensory adventure focusing on a single actor. For general intensity and random “holy shit” factor try A Serbian Film (2010) or Martyrs(2008). SIDEBAR: There are various edits out there. The truly unedited version has a running time of 108 minutes. The unedited 108 minute version is reviewed here.

Lars von Trier (Nymphomaniac, Melancholia) sets a powerful mood in this visually stunning film straight from the opera-scored opening slow-motion sequence of a sex scene complete with pornographic penetration in the first 60 seconds. I know, I just mentioned penetration. But just trust me right out of the gates that this shot, however controversial or shocking, fits the scene perfectly like an artistic puzzle piece that has a significant story to tell. Whereas there is something ominous to be feared for sure, the scene is more a splendor to the eyes than a 1990s French noir perfume commercial–you know, the commercials that are so “out there” that you never knew what they were advertizing until they told you at the end. Some call this high art, others pornographic and provocative.

This film strikes me as a challenge. We only ever see three actors, one of which is the child who dies in the opening sequence. As husband (“He”) and wife (“She”), Willem Dafoe (Nymphomaniac) and Charlotte Gainsbourg (Nymphomaniac, Melancholia, 21 Grams) carry every scene as nameless characters enduring the loss of their child, who died while they were having sex. He is an over-involved psychoanalyst (playing more the role of therapist than husband) attempting to guide her through her grief, which she serially transmutes into sexual fixation. In an effort to force her to properly grieve and face her mounting irrational fears he takes her to a secluded cabin in the woods, where the sexuality, tension and violence escalate…often, in fact, TOGETHER!

Great acting, great film! As past tragedy begets the tragedy of their present, the Biblical symbolism rains down hard on these actors’ positively fearless journey venturing to dark places most actors wouldn’t dare.

“Chaos reigns!”

Strikingly sublime imagery stimulates us as we endure often unsettling profound emotions. The raw visceral nature of their surroundings parallels her ravaged, desperate psyche. The more he tries to deconstruct her mental torment, the more she in turn tries to disarticulate their sexuality.

Gorgeous cinematography.

This is easily among the most provocatively messed up movies I’ve ever seen. Full frontal nudity, masturbation, sexual penetration, animal birth, violent sex scenes, violence against animals, violence against women, torture and genital mutilation are sprinkled about in this controversial (but far from conventionally exploitative) artistic endeavor. So, while I encourage adventurous cinephiles to accept the challenge of seeing this film to its end, let’s just not make a family night of it and DEFINITELY don’t watch it on a first date.

MY CALL: Both creepy and engaging, this time-distorting, psychologically driven ghost story weaves our protagonists’ tortured past into their present with a shockingly smart script. Definitely the best killer mirror movie on the market, and a superior horror film overall as well! MOVIES LIKE Oculus: Although really quite different and of much lower quality, Mirrors (2008) and Mirrors 2 (2010) provide more creepy mirror horror in which evil reflections dare not match the movements of their victims.

POLARIZED REVIEWS: Other reviews’ opinions seem to vary wildly, ranging from calling it poorly acted and carelessly written to praising it as fantastic across the board. I fell on the “pro” side of the argument and feel that those who were disappointed don’t like to think about their horror (during the movie) as much as I do. After all, it is no rollercoaster nor is it really “exciting,” so I see how some may bore of this.

Horror is a genre characterized by one-dimensional characters typified by hardly serviceably acting their way through flat writing to occupy the time until they drink, vandalize, have premarital sex, or do whatever it is that justifies their upcoming death. Despite this, filmmakers press on and we find the occasional pleasant surprise in The Cabin in the Woods (2012), The Conjuring (2013), or other films in which people actually cared about more than simply turning a profit and brought us new spins on classic tropes and even some entirely original ideas. I feel that Oculus is one of those refreshing films. Its scares number low and it’s gore is nothing special, but the acting is phenomenal and the story execution is captivating, although tough to follow at times. More a product of deep and undeniable intrigue than dread, the tension mounts and really never loosens its grip until the closing credits are cast down the screen.

Young Tim and Kaylie.

Tim (Brenton Thwaites; The Signal, Maleficent) and Kaylie (Karen Gillan; Doctor Who) had a seriously messed up childhood. As tweens, they endured a disturbing experience involving their parents’ murder and a demonic mirror which resulted in young Tim being held responsible and placed in a psychiatric care facility until his 21st birthday (ten years later).

Mom and dad are having a tough time.

As a standard rule I never hug reflections.  They’re almost ALWAYS evil.

Not a day after his release to begin his “recovery,” Kaylie makes it readily apparent that everything he has been conditioned to understand as psychosis and repression has remained, much to his surprise, very real to her. Kaylie, in fact, remains absolutely convinced that her parents’ deaths were caused by The Lasser Glass, a centuries old antique mirror housing a malevolent force. Obsessed with proving to the world the evil nature of this supernatural mirror, Kaylie reconstructs the item’s history and creates an evidence-documenting scenario festooned with failsafes to circumvent the antique’s hallucinatory mind-bending wiles. After obtaining this proof, they would destroy it…a task which has proven strangely difficult. Kaylie’s elaborate documentarian approach smacks of Poltergeist 2 (1986), and she leaves little room for error.

Writer/director Mike Flanagan (Absentia) makes frequent and careful use of flashbacks. Kaylie insists that she recalls their terrifying past correctly and Tim resists, contrastingly rationalizing her claims with psychological babble. As Tim and Kaylie’s tortured past unravels before our eyes, that same past seems to slowly take hold of their present as they fight this evil reflective entity.

“Present” Kaylie and Tim.

Any good horror movie pays close attention to lighting as much for mood as for execution. Smart cinematography, deliberately distracting lighting and scene-cut transitions mislead our own sense of time along with our protagonists’. Our notion of the present becomes ever distorted and with every step that Tim comes closer to believing his sister’s claims, their horrific past seems to eerily converge with their perhaps inevitable future as hallucinations distort the present. It’s easy to get lost in it, but I found that to be intentional and engaging.

Everyone did a solid job with their roles. Rory Cochrane and Katee Sackhoff (Riddick, White Noise 2, Battlestar Galactica) play the parents and they really own their mania. I was particularly shocked by the committed performances by Garrett Ryan (Insidious Chapter 2) and Annalise Basso as the younger Tim and Kaylie, who get ample screen time in the flashbacks. If anyone left something to be desired, it would be Brenton Thwaites’ portrayal of the most complicated character Tim.

Oculus is a movie you can’t trust. As the story persists and the timeline is distorted we are as readily confused as the protagonists…and this is a good thing! It’s clever, it keeps us guessing, and there’s nothing like it. You may be left with more questions than answers. But this is a quality of deliberately disorienting mystery rather than plot-holed writing.

This is a must see!