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THE ELITE EIGHT WILL BE FANTASTIC!

Hello all. MFF here.

The first round of the tournament was a huge success and the 32 have become 16. The voting was passionate and some battles were determined by one vote (Sorry Hatchet. Piranha got the vote). If anything it proved how loyal cinephiles are to their horror favorites. I (Mark) was pleased to see my personal favorite The Descent make it through to the next round.

The battled hardened horror films are ready for a new challenge. Make sure to vote for each contest in order to get your movie through the murderers row of quality cinema. Don’t miss out! We want to make sure you don’t react like Tucker and Dale when your favorite horror film loses by one vote.

Comment. Share. Vote. Comment. Share. Comment on the comments we make.

Spelunkers Paradise Bracket

“British spelunkers and their pet Morlock vampires face off against a sexy lady werewolf pack and the Warrens investigate illegal British aliens.  I was shocked that Attack the Block made it to this round.  Martyrs was intense, thoughtful and well done.  I wonder if most people didn’t just vote for the movie they recognized.  Or maybe we just find those British accents so charming that even Love Actually would have beaten out Martyrs for best horror.”  –John

The Descent vs. Trick ‘r Treat (2007)

The Conjuring (2013) vs. Attack the Block (2011)

Red Demon’s Lair Bracket

“After beating their comical opponents (Dead Snow and The Hazing), Jigsaw rigs a nanny cam death trap for the poltergeist we’d soon come to hate as Toby.  But the real battle here is between Insidious and Evil Dead.  Can the evil spirits of the Further survive the demons of Hell?  Or will they be dead by dawn?”  –John

Paranormal Activity (2007) vs. Saw

Insidious vs. Evil Dead (2013)

Upside Down Skyline Bracket

“I was disappointed that Grave Encounters didn’t make it.  I’ll be even more disappointed if a possessed Patrick Wilson with some serious mommy issues beats out Sam Raimi’s gastrointestinal sensation Drag Me to Hell.  I also figured that Final Destination would be here.  But I guess the name recognition and brutality of Hills proves that a remake of a classic never dies.  What’s funny is that the inbred hillbilly mutants of Hills are exactly what those poor teenagers thought Tucker and Dale were!”  –John

Drag Me To Hell (2009) vs. Insidious 2 (2013)

The Hills Have Eyes vs. Tucker and Dale versus Evil (2010)

Merman Harbinger Bracket

“It should come as no surprise that Cabin beat the ass-to-mouth cult film The Human Centipede.  I guess Cabin‘s story was just easier to swallow.  Yuck.  But how will the redneck zombie murder family fare against a school of Spring Breaker piranhas?  As for Shaun of the Dead and a tween vampire I have no idea who will come out on top.  Horror comedy or dark coming-of-age artistic film?

Check out the board.  It seems Piranhas didn’t even make the list.
But merman…?  Seems legit.

Without his Thor muscles I’m not so sure Hemsworth is up for piranhas.

Cabin in the Woods (2012) vs. Piranha 3D (2010)

Shaun of the Dead vs. Let the Right One In 

MY CALL:  Exactly the kind of sequel we wanted (for a change) and just what the franchise needed!  MOVIES LIKE Curse of Chucky:  The other Chucky movies actually worth watching are Child’s Play (1988) and Child’s Play 2 (1990).  FRANCHISE TIMELINE:  A fellow critic presents an overview (http://jarviscity.com/2013/10/03/curse-of-chucky-explained/) justifying why this story does, in fact, take place after Seed of Chucky (2004).  It is not a standalone film, remake or prequel.

Only minutes into the movie I was already shocked at the production quality.  Immediately evident were some gorgeous efforts on cinematography in the early shots and the acting feels fresh and credible, unlike most stale to stagnant-flavored wooden acting of even “decent quality” horror.  Also slapping me in the face for attention, the camera work is thoughtful and innovative for the first time in the franchise.  This sequel/pseudo-reboot may not hold a candle to Evil Dead (2013) or Carrie (2013), but clearly more love and consideration went into this film than to simply capitalize on horror fans’ fealty with more advanced CGI to supplement the effects.

Nica (Fiona Dourif; True Blood, The Master) is a gorgeous wheelchair-bound young woman living with her mother (Chantal Quesnelle), who is sweet but over-protective to the point of inhibiting Nica’s self-confidence.  They receive a package from an anonymous sender containing…you guessed it: a Good Guy doll!  After her mother is murdered, Nica’s sister Barb (Danielle Bisutti; Insidious 2) brings her daughter (Alice) and nanny (Jill) for the funeral.  Alice quickly falls in love with Chucky and people start to die.

“It’s a doll. What’s the worst that could happen?”

We encounter the same classic tells.  The doll never seems to be where people left it, it appears in strange places, and young Alice makes vague suggestions that Chucky can move on his own (e.g., “He’s hiding”).

Brad Dourif (The Hazing, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Dune) returns to voice the iconic Chucky and his daughter Fiona does a fine job as well.  The only fault I found in the acting was some soap opera star playing an incredibly unconvincing priest and other actors in other minor roles.

The kills were alright.  Nothing special, but still fun.  I’d say the same about the writing.  There were some cheap tactics (e.g., a lesbian adultery scenario) but overall this film was an enjoyable success.

Directed and written (characters) by Don Mancini–who took part in writing all of the Child’s Play franchise installments (1988-2013) and several related short films as well as directing Seed of Chucky (2004)–was limited to a DTDVD release after the understandably subpar performance of Bride of Chucky (1998) and Seed of Chucky (2004).  However, the quality of the present film suggests that the rumored Chucky 7 should find its way to a theatrical release.

Curse of Chucky is tactful and shows restraint.  It’s not until halfway through the film that we hear Chucky’s voice or see him killing onscreen.  After the outlandishly farcical events and pacing of the last two movies, this is just what the franchise needed–a return to its roots!  No more jokes or fooling around; just the sort of plain old-fashioned malevolence that could make homicidal dolls menacing again.

Watch this and enjoy.  The end does a fine job linking the stories of the movies together and you should stay through the credits for one last franchise cameo.

Cabin in the Woods is the best horror film of the last ten years (according to our tournament and readers)! The brilliant film steamrolled through the competition and deservedly earned the top spot. Read John’s review!

MY CALL:  Looking for something in the horror genre that you haven’t seen yet?  Sounds impossible, right?  Wrong!  This is it!  Lovers of all franchises and solos will thank me for this recommendation. This gets a general movie “A” and a horror movie “A+.”   IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH:  Sam Raimi’s horror exploits (Evil Dead 2, Drag Me to Hell) and the Scream series, at least the first one if not through Scream 4.  And we mustn’t forget the equally unorthodox stylings of Tucker and Dale vs Evil, which is loaded with laughs and gore galore and a unique, yet somehow all too familiar, approach to the horror genre.

“What was that noise?”  –some chick
“Not sure.  But I’m totally gonna’ go investigate…alone…in the dark…without a flashlight.” –some bro

In recent decades guaranteed-grossing remakes, prequels and franchising sequels have flooded theaters in lieu of new ideas. The Cabin in the Woods offers an imaginative never-told story, cleverly acknowledges almost every horror icon and franchise on the market, and ultimately alleviates a genre that has desperately thirsted for originality.  This Frankensteinian stitch-work horror transcends the genre and will perhaps never be successfully copied.  Don’t be fooled by the simplicity of the title.  Instead, be warned at how comfortingly familiar it feels.

“Whoa.  This basement is filled with old, creepy relic-looking things.”  –some bro
“Oooooh–then I’m gonna’ touch something!”  –some chick

Our story follows a typical cadre of horror victems: a studly jock (Chris Hemsworth; Thor, The Avengers), his naughty cheerleader-type girlfriend (Anna Hutchison; Power Rangers Jungle Fury), another jock (Jesse Williams; Grey’s Anatomy), the comic-relief slacker/stoner (Fran Kranz; Dollhouse), and a mild-mannered but cute friend (Kristen Connolly; As the World Turns).  They go to ‘a cabin in the woods’ for a weekend retreat and find themselves struggling to survive supernatural (and murderous) forces.  As if mocking our expectations (i.e., our horror-goers’ common sense), some play by the stereotype of their archetypal roles, others flat out defy them.  Most notable is the paranoid, but shockingly sensible pot-smoker.  What’s not typical is that you want to root for these kids…all of them.  These actors all did fine jobs; full of verve and likability.  Normally I just sit and wait patiently for “talentless actor X” to die in some clever way.

So who’s the hero?  Thor, on the left, right?  Certainly not the geek on the right.

I know what you’re thinking and the answer is “yes.”  That IS a telescopic bong, disguised as a chrome travel mug, modified into a weapon.

Making this movie especially interesting is that it is told consistently from two entirely different perspectives.  Bradley Whitford (The West Wing) and Richard Jenkins (Six Feet Under, Burn After Reading) form a spectacularly funny bantering duo steering this “other perspective.”  No spoiler here.  They lead office culture lives in an unnamed agency that is working behind the scenes of our vacationers’ terrible calamity. While there’s really no way to explain their involvement or motive more without spoiling the surprise, I will say that the third act of this flick will leave you feeling very conflicted about who to root for and who the “real” protagonists are.  You see, you’ll think you found the twist early in the movie, but more awaits.

Even horror movies require tech support.

This must have been difficult to advertise since an honest tagline would easily spoil the movie, the mood and the fun.  That said, don’t expect to see the movie you saw in the trailer—rather, expect to be impressed! Much as Scream-Scream 4 was a horror meta-movie series, so is The Cabin in the Woods, however it does so in a completely different manner.  Some classic concepts are blatantly copied.  You find yourself thinking “Oh, come on…” until witnessing the completely unexpected actions and lines of our protagonists handling the situation.

As if the quick-witted Sam Raimi (Evil Dead 2, Drag Me to Hell) and macabre Jason Voorhees had a lovechild, humorously spewed blood fills the air like a pyrotechnic display and, like 4^th of July fireworks, the finale will leave you gasping.  [Or laughing, hopefully if you’re sick about gore like that.]  This movie offers an explanation for all the stupid actions and characters you’ve screamed at during your horror movie-going career.  Why would you have sex NOW?  Who would have sex THERE? Don’t go out there alone?  Split up?—are you insane?  No, don’t investigate and don’t ‘be right back.’  The script keeps us ever-off balance, lulling us into a sense of familiarity before serially and cleverly pulling the rug out from under our better judgment and expectations—much to my delight!

Don’t wait, folks.  See this today!

BTW, here are two pictures that won’t make sense until after you see the movie.

SIDEBAR:  This game-changing movie was actually completed and ready for market in 2009.  However a writers’ strike and a movie company bankruptcy delayed its release.  As such, writer Joss Whedon, director Drew Goddard and The Cabin in the Woods have been greasing rumormills for some time now.  There was a lot of hype…and it all turned out to be right!

MY CALL:  There isn’t anything to spoil, there’s nothing to the plot, and the movie is basically boring.  This movie almost made me angry.  For real–actually angry.  BETTER LUCIO FULCI MOVIES:  The Beyond (1981), Zombie (1979) and City of the Living Dead (1980).

Also released as Eye of the Evil Dead and The Possessed, this is yet another example of how Lucio Fulci (Aenigma, Conquest, The Beyond) is great as getting our attention and awful at storytelling.  He’s also bad at titles.  Why oh why is this called “Manhattan Baby”?  Yes, the girl lives in New York.  But “baby”?  What was this guy smoking when he came up with this?

So, this archaeologist goes spelunking in an Egyptian tomb where he encounters a glowing gemstone that shoots lasers into his eyes, blinding him.  This may sound inexplicably random, but it’s exactly the sort of senselessness I’ve come to expect from Fulci.

His young daughter Susie becomes possessed by some evil spirit inside of an amulet that dad gave her from the expedition.  Because that’s what archaeologists do with ancient Egyptian artifacts recovered during professional expeditions.  They dole them out as gifts to children!  Seems legit.

This movie was awful and its badness really wasn’t even fun at all.  Fulci steered away from his iconic gory shock tactics and tries to strike fear into us with such horrifying images as a cobra on your kitchen floor, being stuck in an elevator, a paranormal investigator’s stupid babble or finding a scorpion in your desk drawer.  If you’re wondering how that would be scary, let me spare you the effort.  It’s not scary.  Not a bit.  It’s just dumb.  I can comfortably say that nothing about this movie was done well.  Not even the X-ray that showed a cobra comfortably residing in Susie’s chest, which by the way, was SUPER DUMB.

One scene made me laugh.  We’ll call it “taxidermy’s revenge.”  A bunch of stuffed birds suspended by strings (which we can clearly see) kill a guy in the one gory scene of the movie.  This was poorly executed, but funny.  Why did the stuffed birds attack?  No clue.  What made them do it?  No clue.  This shitstorm just happened before my eyes as I stared with a stupefied grin.

Bro!?!  A dead bird just LEGIT attacked my face!

I really can’t think of much to write about here.  There isn’t anything to spoil, there’s nothing to the plot, and the movie is basically boring.  This movie almost made me angry.  For real–actually angry.

MY CALL:  Another totally bonkers low budget 80s Alien rip-off.  But is it worth your time?  Ummmm…an evil fetal alien action finale says Hell yes!  MOVIES LIKE Creepozoids:  The Terror Within (1989), Inseminoid (1982) and Contamination (1980) come close. But stylistically more pleasing are Galaxy of Terror (1981), Forbidden World (1982), Leviathan (1989), The Thing (2011, yes the remake), The Thing (1981) and Prometheus (2012).

It’s the year 1998 (over ten years in the future at the time of production) and six years of WW III have created a world filled with dangerous mutants and flesh-melting acid rain.  Trying to escape the latest deadly rainfall, survivors Bianca (Scream Queen Linnea Quigley; The Return of the Living Dead, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4), Kate (Kim McKamy/Ashlyn Gere; Dreamaniac and many adult films later in her career), Butch (Ken Abraham; The Forgotten, Hobgoblins), Jesse (Michael Aranda; El Chupacabra) and Jake seek refuge in an apparently abandoned underground lab.  Now that the filmmakers have justified shooting the entire film inside of a beaten up warehouse and we’ve established the willingness of our actresses to disrobe, director David DeCoteau (Curse of the Puppet Master, Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge, Retro Puppet Master) has spun 72 minutes of grindhouse sci-fi/horror for us.

Yup. With Linnea Quigley on board there’s always room for a shower scene.  Even in the post-apocalyptic mutant-infested future Linnea WILL find a functioning shower and a man who still manscapes!

Some investigation reveals that essential amino acids research of some kind was being conducted down there.  While this is merely suggestive of the development of a new bodybuilding protein supplement, in grindhouse films it’s actually indicative of creating monstrous mutants–and our survivors are now trapped underground with one of them!

An interactive computer terminal, random goo in the ventilation ducts, a quasi-insectoid-humanoid monster, and a general boycott on wearing bras under women’s white tank tops are all suggestive of an Alien/Aliens rip-off.

Further substantiating this notion is that one crew member mutates, vomits and dies (a la John Hurt) during their first meal in the underground compound.  Oh, there’s more.  Giant mutant rats create facehugger-like scenes (including when Newt and Ripley were locked in a room with one) and the mutant isn’t exactly concerned with killing humans.  Instead, it infects them (by urinating on them, perhaps?  Hard to tell what happened) with its black goo.  So that’s where Prometheus got the black goo idea!

Reminds me of Gnaw: Food of the Gods 2.

But have no fear.  This rubber-suited menace (clearly designed to resemble H. R. Giger’s xenomorph) is injected with some sort of protein antidote.  But does that save the day?  Not quite.  It posthumously gives birth to something hybridizing a chestburster and an evil human fetus!  It looks like one of the failed experiments from Alien Resurrection (1997).

This movie really covered its crazy bases.  1) It was made by an experienced schlockmaster and stars both a future prolific porn star and a prominent scream queen.  2) It rips off a classic and actually manages to do an entertaining job of it.  3) It goes so into the deep end of bonkers that it took ideas from Prometheus (2012) and Alien Resurrection (1997), and then traveled back in time to 1987 to pawn these ideas off as original.  They should probably sue those other movies’ filmmakers for taking their ideas.  4)  This mutant monster movie was so infectiously bad that it mutated actress Kim McKamy into porn star Ashlyn Gere.  5) Oh, and there’s an evil fetal baby alien action finale!

Enough said!

MY CALL:  Full Moon really goes for a non-campy horror movie with this Cajun voodoo death magic story.  MOVIES LIKE Netherworld:  Another quality Full Moon releases is Dark Angel: The Ascent (1994).  Angel Heart (1987), Lord of Illusions (1995) and Nightbreed (1990) also approach the occult and “the other side” in interesting ways.

This film opens with a completely normal bar scene.  You know, a snake slithering on the dance floor (and no one seems to mind or notice), chickens wandering about, a bar fight resulting in someone being thrown in the bayou, and a young man meets a Madame and wanders downstairs into the bayou bar’s basement sex den where he meets a Marilyn Monroe (Alex Datcher; Body Bags, Passenger 57) lookalike prostitute.  If that wasn’t enough, we have a soul-bartering voodoo witch hooker (Delores) that summons a flying disembodied stone hand.  Our flying hand brings the gore right away with cheap, but totally enjoyable effects as it dispatches some random John looking for a good time.

Yup, David Schmoeller (Director/writer; Puppet Master, Catacombs) and Charles Band (writer/producer; the Puppet Master, Subspecies, Ghoulies and Trancers franchises) have set us up with a ridiculously over elaborate scene to set a standard of reasonable expectations from this film.  The standard being that nothing reasonable will happen.  This may seem normal for the deliberate B-movie fare of Full Moon, but this is already a bit more out there than some animated homicidal puppets, diminutive disfigured demons from Hell or a love affair between a rebellious demoness and a human.

A young man (Corey) arrives at his estranged father’s mansion in Louisiana to discover that his deceased father was a student of necromancy, hoping that Corey would resurrect him from the dead after claiming his inheritance.  His father’s journals reveal his sexual and sorcerous obsession with the witch Delores and a young lady who helps manage the estate warns that black magic is commonly employed by the locals.  This introduction is swift, blunt, and met with surprisingly little disbelief on Corey’s part.  He just buys it like it’s totally plausible.

Corey follows in his father’s footsteps, readily succumbing to his lustful intrigue of Delores and her black magic.  The only problem is that his father’s resurrection comes at an unexpected price.

The acting leaves a lot to be desired, but it’s okay for Full Moon and it gets the job done just fine.  The effects aren’t exactly amazing either.  I mean, when the hand flies you can sometimes see the strings suspending it and its fingerpuppet snakeheads are not so finely crafted.  However, they really go for it with the occasional gore and storytelling, and that more than makes up for the obvious budget constraints.

Sure, Full Moon makes campy B-movies and they know it.  But with this one they aimed higher and I can comfortably call this a B+ movie, somewhere between a campy B-movie and a subpar studio release.

MY CALL:  This was utterly preposterous awesomeness!  A woman births an evil 400-year old Native American dwarf medicine man from a giant tumor and this movie is taken (somewhat) 100% seriously.  My diagnosis:  100% AWESOME!  MOVIES LIKE Manitou:  Some would say The Exorcist (1973), but I beg to differ.  There’s really nothing like this.  Not even close.

[BRACES YOURSELVES, FOLKS. YOU'RE IN FOR A BIG RANT…]

This movie isn’t puling any punches from this ludicrous boxing match between Manitou and refined cinematic taste.  In the very first scene doctors are discussing a patient’s tumor, which is growing at the absolutely impossible rate of 7.3mm per hour.

Yeah! Scary fast!

This brings me to my first over-thought geek rant…  Just to be clear, assuming a linear growth rate, that means it’s the size of a golf ball in 6 hours, the size of a baseball in 10 hours, and the size of a basketball in about 34 hours.  Where is this tissue coming from?  What is this patient eating!?!  To add to this nonsense, when we meet our patient Karen (Susan Strasberg; Mazes and Monsters), the tumor is the size of a golf ball and she says she’s had it for 3 days.  Now, I’m no mathematician.  But I think these doctors forgot to “carry the 1″ or something when they came up with this frightening tumor growth rate.  By their calculations this tumor would be over 500mm in diameter after 3 days.  That’s half a meter!  Her entire body could fit into a tumor of 0.5m diameter.  STEP ONE: fire these doctors, take away their medical licenses and if they fall back on teaching let’s keep them away from the math curriculum.  Despite this academic shortcoming, when one doctor refers to checking “the books on tumors” the other doctor says (and I shit you not) “I wrote them.”

Seeking comfort Karen calls her ex-boyfriend Harry, a psychic hack played by Academy Award nominee Tony Curtis.  How Tony Curtis got here, I have no clue. I’m guessing he just wandered on set and went with it.  To get a second opinion about her tumor, Harry uses his Tarot cards–but it may as well have been a Magic 8-ball.  “Outlook not good.”

Here’s Tony Curtis dancing…just because.

When Karen goes under the knife to have the tumor removed, the “tumor” possesses Karen who then utters some incomprehensible sorcerous hisses which in turn compel the surgeon to try to cut off his own hand with a scalpel.  Oh, but that’s not all.  Next the tumor possesses one of Harry’s psychic-swallowing lonely old lady clients, makes her do a rain dance in his living room, then levitates her and drops her down some stairs.  Why?  No clue.  I guess the tumor just found her to be a threat.  In my opinion old ladies are really only a threat in terms of receiving lousy service tips in restaurants, uncomfortably long stories about the line at the bank, photographs of their grandchildren (or cats, if they don’t have grandchildren), and ugly homemade Christmas sweaters as gifts.

Yes. That is the Manitou’s spirit head at the center of the table.

Oh, but the plot thickens.  The doctor who “wrote the books on tumors” now says the tumor is a fetus.  In an attempt to link the tumor-fetus to the recent possessed mutterings of Karen and the old lady, Harry turns to Amelia, his psychic mentor.  They perform a séance to find answers and it turns out that the tumor-fetus represents a Manitou, the immortal spirit of a 400-year old Native American medicine man.  To learn more they seek the man “who wrote the book” on Manitous, anthropologist Dr. Snow (Burgess Meredith; Rocky I-III, Twilight Zone: The Movie).

So far this movie includes characters who “wrote the books on tumors” and “wrote the book on Manitous” and they are within reasonable driving distance.  Go figure.  Even weirder is that both Tony Curtis and Burgess Meredith are in this zany movie, and not for virtue of a sound script!  Between the two of them I’d guess that a few big favors were cashed in to make this movie happen.

Oh, yeah.  Check out this dude’s hair–and the braids on the side!  Yup…he seems LEGIT!

Anyway, our resident Manitou expert can’t offer much help, just a lot of trivia.  So after trying medicine, psychics and anthropologists, they now turn to a Native American medicine man.  This is one hell of a supportive story arc.  Normally you just briefly go from some initially doubtful source (e.g., the police, an expert in the field, or video surveillance equipment a la Paranormal Activity) to some sort of paranormal/supernatural expert (e.g., Poltergeist, Insidious, The Conjuring) who carries the remainder of the story.  Here, the story is more about finding someone to help than it is about the problem itself.  I just hope that whatever Native American they find “wrote the book” on all things medicine man!

Harry finds John Singing Rock on a reservation.  From Singing Rock we learn that being a Manitou is a lot like being in Dragonball Z.  This medicine man is in his 4th or 5th reincarnation, becoming more powerful with each incarnation.  By number 8 he’d become so powerful he’d join Gitche Manitou, a God that sounds a lot like the Dragonball Dragon God.  So, evidently, a medicine man lives, dies, becomes a Manitou and gets tougher, then returns to life stronger, dies again, gets tougher again, then returns to life yet stronger yet again… Yup, a lot like Dragonball.  I wonder what kind of power score he maxes out at.

“Yeah, bro. Like I said. 4th or 5th incarnation!”

Well this Manitou has been around the block a few times because Singing Rock says this is the toughest medicine man of all time…which doesn’t make total sense.  Clearly there were tougher ones, otherwise how would you know about the 8th incarnation melding with Gitche Manitou?  I’d assume that folklore was based on at least one dude who did it.  Maybe our Manitou is the toughest who hasn’t hit 8 yet…like the 8th incarnation gang has retired and this one is the toughest one going after the title right now.  Or maybe none have yet.  In either case, this is basically the Dragonball Turtle Hermit of Manitou medicine men.  And no one wants to mess with that!

Now THAT is a Manitou!

Anyway, our Manitou tumor fetus gets big…like hunchback big!  It pulsates as Karen writhes in agony until it pulls itself free like a slimy newborn foal.  Man, does this thing look ugly.  It’s a naked, slimy, bloody dwarf.  It must weigh 80-100 pounds.  And here’s my second “biology lesson” rant… This thing that just crawled out of this woman is big.  It takes about 285-300 calories a day for nine months (that’s 77,000+ calories) to fully develop a human fetus—[That’s right.  Only about 300 calories a day.  So YES, your wife IS taking advantage of her pregnancy and NO an extra 1000 calories a day isn’t necessary to ensure a healthy baby.  Eating for two?  Yes.  But one of them starts out smaller than a pin head and rarely exceeds 10% the size of mom.].  But to make a 100 pound Manitou, Karen had to feed it with something!  It wasn’t 800,000 calories of body fat (i.e., adipose tissue).  Anyway, those triglycerides have only carbon, oxygen and hydrogen—nothing else.  She’d also look a lot more wiry after losing about 200 pounds (~800,000 calories)!  Maybe the director just cut the scenes of Karen eating the entirety of a Chinese Buffet for $6.99.  Now  you might say “shut up, John, it’s just magic!”  But why then does it develop as a fetus inside of a woman!?!

That Manitou is like…REALLY NAKED!

For all the big talk, this Manitou doesn’t seem too terribly tough once he’s “hatched.”  He animates a dead guy into a zombie that is easily dispatched and he summons a lizard demon that does nothing more than knock a doctor unconscious.  The Manitou seemed tougher before he was born.  He was making people cut themselves, possessing people and throwing them down stairs and controlling dangerous surgical lasers.  But then, all of the sudden, the Manitou is quaking the entire building!  Why not just start with that.  Wait…what’s that, Singing Rock?  Well, now it’s summoning the Devil!  Not sure why.  But it is!

So how do they defeat the Manitou?  Well, evidently every machine also has its own Manitou.  Don’t look at me!  That’s what Singing Rock said!  So they decide to use the entirety of the hospital’s machinery.  So Singing Rock asks the machines for help, the machines run hot and get all smoky, they infuse Karen (who is now topless for no reason at all) with Mantiou Dragonball power, and Karen laser blasts that naughty Manitou to Native American Hell–which I imagine is a failing casino on a reservation somewhere in South Dakota.  This long finale feels like an acid trip fueled by deep-seeded mania.

A snowstorm indoors…just because.

Regarding this finale, let me just say… You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a buck naked Susan Strassberg on a floating bed shooting colorful cartoon laser beams from her Jazz Hands at a demonic afterbirth-entrenched midget in an extradimensional outer space setting.  It’s as if the filmmakers wanted to combine the space sequences from Flash Gordon with the demonic possession scenes from The Exorcist and then add a dash of Saturday Night Fever.

Is it just me? Or does this Manitou look like he’d talk like Rocky?

Look, despite all my rants I know this is just a horror movie.  And we could find a lot of other flaws to dissect and pick at.  I’m just having my fun.  And this movie was just that; LOADS Of FUN!

So watch and enjoy the evil Mini-Me medicine man tumor baby’s transcendence and defeat.

MY CALL:  Creepy and tense, this film was finely crafted, acted and filmed from start to finish such that I am excited to see whatever writer/director Matthew Arnold does next.  MOVIES LIKE Shadow People:  The Mothman Prophecies (2002), Pulse (2006) and White Noise (2005) all follow the same effective formula and fear factor.  Also try The Day (2011), The Shrine (2010) and The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh (2012), three other movies that came out of nowhere and pleasantly surprised me.  ALTERNATE TITLE:  The Door.

This movie opens with a disclaimer: The following motion picture is based on an actual case of mysterious deaths and the viral video known as “Sleep Study GR16 1971.”  We have used footage and interviews with real people whenever possible.

Late night radio host Charlie (Dallas Roberts; The Grey, Tell Tale) is more than a little displeased with his job.  His divorced life is equally dissatisfying as he is serially disrespected by his ex and their son (Mattie Liptak; Quarantine 2: The Terminal).  At an all-time low in his career he gets a call from a frightened teenager who claims to see ghostly shadows at night.  After readily dismissing the teenagers story, he receives a package from the disturbed caller containing documents pertinent to a strange sleep study in which the subjects all reported seeing shadowy creatures as well.  The teen calls again to talk about the study and his fears.  He concludes that “when you think of them, they come for you.”  During the call the teen describes his fears, reveals he has a gun, fires, and well, things seem to have escalated along with Charlie’s ratings.

His producer Tom Dimartino (himself and Christopher Berry; Django Unchained, Killing Them Softly) suggests that he visit the caller, who is now in the hospital after shooting the wall, to follow up on the story for the sake of ratings.  Charlie goes to the hospital to meet the boy only to learn that he died in his sleep during that first night of his stay.  Now a bit perturbed, Charlie goes to Camden College (where the sleep study was conducted).  He does some library research and a student librarian assistant (Mariah Bonner; Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning, Freerunner) who takes an interest in his show happens to find out what Charlie’s researching when she fixes a paper jam in the copier he was using.  She was found dead by her roommate that night.

With this second death, Charlie becomes a believer and makes his radio show all about it.  His radio show is now abuzz with talk of drugs, mental illness and schizophrenia as callers flooded the airways with likely causes of how two healthy young people died in their sleep.    ”Real footage” of locals’ and witnesses’ testimonials add flavor.  Over time, the calls shift from attempts to explain the sleeping deaths to callers’ accounts of experiencing sleep paralysis and sightings of shadowy figures.  Charlie questions, with so many telling the same story “Could it all be real?”

Sophie (Alison Eastwood), a CDC researcher rep, meets with Charlie to discuss the recent sleep-related deaths.  Autopsies revealed no pathogens, heavy metals or health history to explain the deaths.  Sudden Unexplained Nocturnal Death Syndrome is the suggested cause.  But Charlie believes in something of a more primordial, sentient cause.  His mission to reveal the truth leads to a national media blitz…will it work?  Can he stop these deaths?

As we stare at the screen waiting to sleuth out the next rogue shadow we are left with a haunting notion: The shadow people know when we think of them and then they come for us…so how do you stop thinking about something?

Whereas some of the shadow effects were perfectly executed in my eyes, others were not ideal.  For example, running shadowy figures may make me jump, but that’s not the same as eliciting fear.  The shadows that are still and suddenly noticed in the background, or slowly moving, or out of sync with the caster of the shadow…THOSE are the scary effects.  THOSE are chilling.

Overall I was pleased with the jump scares.  Watch this in the dark.  This film is good at building tension as you anticipate seeing something weird in the shadows, much like the intensity of Paranormal Activity (2007).  It’s creepy.  You know it’s probably about to happen, then it happens, and you’re still shaken by it!  The ending, while not some super clever twist, was elegant and simple and I appreciated it.  From start to finish, I was very surprised and pleased with this.  I find none of the typical, in fact expected, flaws of horror: over-exposition, poor character development, stale writing, effects demonstrative of a forced and over-extended budget, frightlessly empty scares, inconsistency in pacing or story and, perhaps worst of all, lame endings indicative of a lack of vision.

This solid film was written and directed by Matthew Arnold, who has done basically nothing else in terms of feature length films or horror.  Like The Day (2011), The Shrine (2010) and The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh (2012), this film really shocked me.  While not as original as the other three in story or style, Shadow People was without a doubt finely crafted, acted and filmed such that I am excited to see whatever Matthew Arnold does next.

MY CALL:  You feel the gravity!  These wolves make those Twilight wolves feel like over-sized Pomeranians.  But, joking aside, behind all of the butch manliness of the premise there is something plainly cathartic in their persistence and it resonates more powerfully as the movie endures along with a score that will echo scenes through your mind.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  The Edge (1997), The Ghost and the Darkness (1996)—but neither are as deep or affecting.  The Grey is really far from a mach-up of the two, and clearly not The Edge Part 2: Return to Alaska or Lost: Going Arctic.  If you liked seeing Neeson as a certified bad-ass, then see Taken (2008) if you missed it.  OTHER REVIEWS:  The Hof also wrote up a review on this movie.

In case you weren’t already sold by Taken, in the opening minutes of this movie Liam Neeson (Wrath of the Titans, Battleship) is introduced as a loner and a certified bad-ass.  He doesn’t want to share his feelings or chat.  He just wants to hang out at his drilling rig at the end of the world sniping timber wolves (his job) to keep a cadre of socially undesirable grifters from becoming canine Adkins dietary supplements.  En route to Anchorage for some off-time their plane goes down in a fiery piecemeal mess.  Naturally, Neeson responds in fine form, as calmly as he can, to stay alive and help the other panicked, shocked or near-dead crash victems.

Early in the movie Neeson encounters a terribly wounded passenger who he informs “you’re going to die” and guides him through it as comfortably as possible.  While touching, this was very difficult to watch and I was as wet-cheeked as the onlooking supporting cast during the not so brief scene.  Serious mood shit, people.  Back to business, Neeson is orating manly reality checks about how the only thing that will find them is “freezing to death” unless they move and take fate into their own hands.  But wait, Wolf Kibble is another option.

The wolves, as suggested by the trailer, function as a blanket antagonist to our crash survivors rivaled only by the survivors’ own fear and hopelessness.  The wolf attacks are handled well.  They’re brutal, but viewers are spared wide angles depicting suffering and hard-to-look-at shots.  Although some images of the aftermath are briefly presented—often excluding the victem’s likely mutilated face.

Other crash survivors include Frank Grillo (Mother’s Day, Warrior), who plays the whining defeated pessimist, Dermot Mulroney, Dallas Roberts and Joe Anderson.  They all play their parts well as they take orders and receive threats and half-time coaching tirades from Neeson.

“This is just one of those wild stories you end up telling at a party with a girl in your lap.”

This movie features many gorgeous yet often intimidating shots punctuated by the ominous sound of an unforgiving wind birthed of cruel climate.  The faces of the men feature a commanding range of forlorn desperation, but somehow they continue to find the strength and persist as their bodies are punished; weakened from serial attacks, malnutrition, weather and a most challenging terrain.  Meanwhile will is replaced by desperation with the subsequent loss of each comrade among their dwindling numbers—and some of the deaths will affect you.

This film is worthy.  You will feel the gravity!

MY CALL:  A disturbed young man plays Santa to purge his deep-seeded issues in this “then controversial” cult classic.  MOVIES LIKE Silent Night:  HBO’s Tales from the Crypt season 1 episode 2 “And All Through the House” (1989; GREAT), Black Christmas (2006; meh), Black Christmas (1974; evidently scary upon release).

Yeah.  Good call leaving the kid alone with the dementia-stricken grandfather.

This cult classic wakes up Christmas with a swift kick off the wrong side of the bed.  An 8-year old boy (Billy) hears a holiday horror story from his deeply disturbed grandfather and a man in a Santa suit sexually assaults and murders Billy’s parents right in front of him.  By 11 Billy is displaying some homicidal Noelophobia warning signs while being abused (by today’s standards) by his nun caretakers.  He’s punished for being repulsed by Christmas/Santa and he’s punished for accidently coming across two teens having sex.  Well, hooray for those nuns!  Mentally abusing a child over his fears and things he doesn’t understand…nope.  That won’t generate any deep-seeded issues, now will it?

Ummm…I don’t really see the problem here.  Coloring within the lines, good overall artwork for an 8-year old, conveys emotion through art…this kid’s good!

Now an adult, Billy is working at a toy store and being a model employee until he’s recruited to be the store Santa Claus.  He adopts the twisted naughty-punishing Santa persona instilled by his disturbed grandfather and quietly threatens children on his lap until they behave.  Then the store manager plays Billy’s homicidal enabler by getting him drunk–and it seems Billy may have never drank alcohol before.  Now let’s really set Billy off, right?  Billy’s supervisor sexually assaults a co-worker Pamela who he has a crush on.

This movie is totally bonkers.  After saving Pamela from an attempted rape she calls him a crazy bastard.  Now, sure.  He did strangle the assailant (their co-worker) to death with Christmas lights.  And I can see how that’s generally a “not okay” thing to do. But I felt that at least some gratitude was merited here.  Not digging her lack of appreciation either, he kills her.  And while he’s at it, he kills the store owner and the cashier.

So string of Christmas lights stayed in proper theme. But a hammer? Come on! How about we fill Santa’s sack full of bricks and beat someone to death with it? Maybe shove a contorted body down a chimney or gift wrap a severed head. Somewhere after the first kill Billy lost his Christmas spirit.

You’d really think Billy had done this before.  He uses a string of lights, a knife, a hammer, an axe and a bow and arrow to exact his anti-Yule tide mania on his hapless co-workers.  By the way, all of these things were readily handy…in a toy store.  What kind of toy store is this?

Evidently the nun-run orphanage had archery lessons during recess.

But there’s still a lot of work to do this Christmas eve.  So our crazy Santa breaks into a nearby home and terrorizes a topless Linnea Quigley (The Return of the Living Dead, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4, Creepozoids), bringing about the first creative kill of the movie.  I suppose, being topless, that Billy just assumed she was being naughty. 

I suppose whenever Linnea is in a movie she’s being naughty. Evidently the punishment for topless naughtiness is impalement by deer antlers.

At one point Billy asks a little girl if she’s been naughty…you know–after he kills her topless big sister.  When the girl says no, you can tell he REALLY wants to kill her.  So he asks her twice are you sure and you haven’t done ANYTHING naughty?  When she assures him that she’s been good, he gives her a bloody box cutter (that he would have used to kill her) as a present.  Hahahaha.  This movie is hilariously sick.

This movie may be 5 shades of awful, but it’s at least 10 shades of cult classic awesome.  My only complaint is that when Billy finally faces his childhood tormentor Mother Superior (Lilyan Chauvin; Predator 2, Pumpkinhead 2)–who definitely helped develop his issues–he doesn’t get to kill her.  Sad.  Billy basically dies a virgin who had a few drinks for the first time in his life and then (like anyone naturally would) went on a killing rampage culminating in his own demise.

Is it just me, or does this sound a little like one of those overblown horror stories your middle school health teacher used to tell in order to try to scare you out of partying?  This actually poses an excellent argument for why kids should learn to drink sooner.  If Billy could’ve kept his drunk composure a little better, then maybe fewer people would have died.  This cautionary tale makes me glad I got started in middle school.  Might I had, to date I have engaged in zero alcohol-related Santa-themed murders.

Support Billy and watch this classic!

MY CALL:  Despite all the nonsense, this was loads of fun to watch.  The gloriously random elements and satisfying gore made for not a dull moment.  MOVIES LIKE Ghosthouse:  Some other deliciously random movies include Nightwish (1990), Prince of Darkness (1987), Manitou (1978), Deadly Blessing (1981) and The Kindred (1987).

Directed by the gore visionary Umberto Lenzi (as Humphrey Humbert; Black Demons, Nightmare City, Cannibal Ferox), this most quintessential B-horror film does what most never dared to do: show us what’s happening.

No time is wasted on gore.  NONE AT ALL.  Within minutes we see a mutilated cat, a hatchet cleaves into a man’s skull (which, despite dated and cheap effects, we actually get to see it happen),a woman’s eye is mutilated and we see (again, we actually get to see this happen) a woman get stabbed in the throat at a most irregular angle.  KUDOS, Umberto!  The gore is glorious and, despite the low budget, the effects team and director were rather cavalier about giving us the gorehound satisfaction of seeing these entertaining death blows instead of a shot by shot montage of a hand with a knife,  the victim screaming, the knife being swung, and a splash of blood on the wall or the dead body after the fact.  The deaths may be simple, but a good deal of care clearly went into the execution.

This gory mayhem all begins after Young Henrietta is locked in the basement with her creepy clown doll as punishment for slitting her cat’s throat.  We later learn–as part of a “major” plot reveal halfway through the movie–that the little girl died.

Now I call this an archetypal B-movie.  And no B-movie is complete without a zany plot.  A CB radio junkie hears a most disturbing message followed by the weirdest music (like carnival music perverted and contorted to horror), thinking a murder has been committed over the airways he locates the signal using his 80s technology (really!?!), then drags his girlfriend there to investigate.  For the sake of a respectable body count, they encounter some twenty-somethings.  Oh, and that radio message we heard earlier was from the future.  Talk about a B-movie plot.

Besides the cheesy plot, this movie has everything any B-horror should:

1)  An evil clown doll.  And, you guessed it, it strangles someone just like in Poltergeist (1982).  The doll plays a role in the story as well.

2)  An evil little girl.  This girl appears several times and gives our protagonists the stank eye from beyond the grave.

3)  A violent escaped mental patient who doubles as the disturbed caretaker-type role.

4)  The token black guy.  This phenomenon swept 80s movies.  For whatever reason they could never seem to cast a black person in an ensemble without giving them some weird role in the story–which often involved being the first to die.

5)  Twisted theme music.  It sounds demonic children’s music with a disturbing sort of cooing/mumbling as if by an evil toddler.  Effectively, we hear it regularly throughout the movie.

6)  Lots of gore with fun kills.  Often accompanying this is finding body parts placed in silly locations for no logical reason other than my own entertainment.  For example, in a running washing machine, seen through the window in the door.  On a totally random note, someone is cut in half by a guillotine blade in the attic.  Not a guillotine, just the blade…hanging from the ceiling until it conveniently fell (“triggered” by the script) on its victim.  Another person falls through the floor into what I can best interpret to be boiling milk or Elmer’s paste.  This is exactly the kind of random we find in The Amityville Horror (1979), perhaps after which this pit of “boiling white whatever” was modeled.

7)  And inexplicably weird effects.  Throughout the movie glass objects expand and explode.  No clue why.  They just do.  I guess that was scary in the 80s.  A camper vehicle starts shaking with someone inside and a pillow explodes creating–what I can only assume by the reaction of the actress to be scripted as–a terrifying scene with feathers everywhere.  Again, no clue what to make of it.

8)  A graveyard with a subterranean crypt.  Just because, right?

As if begging for something terrible to happen, they leave two of the scared women alone at the house–after one of their friends dies and another is targeted with attempted murder–while the other go find the police.  People keep dying and these people just can’t seem to stay away from the house.  WHY!?!?!  Why are you so obsessed with “solving” whatever mystery belies this house, it’s evil clown doll and the smug, stank-eyeing little ghost girl?

Despite all the nonsense, a deplorable script, countless plot holes and horrid acting, Ghosthouse was loads of fun to watch.  The gloriously random elements and satisfying gore made for not a dull moment.

MY CALL:  Greek mythology meets evil Jumanji in this formulaic, serviceable horror movie.  MOVIES LIKE The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond:  Open Graves (2009).  SIDEBAR:  This movie was released in 2009, but did not see a DVD/Blu-Ray release until 2013.

If you call yourself a fan of horror or say “I like scary movies” when really you watch a scary movie about once a month at best, then you have no business watching this movie.  You won’t like it!  If you’re a horrorhound who tries to watch everything then you’ll probably enjoy this.  It’s not great, but it’s entertaining and has its own clichéd direct-to-DVD horror charm.  This may have a cookie-cutter plot, but it also comes with a couple of clever reveals (nothing epic, but clever), festive use of gore and some funny scenes.  This movie was made to be “fun” not to achieve critical acclaim, so get together with some friends, crack open a few beers and enjoy.

Long ago… Following some ancient instructions read off a wall in the Temple of Pan, a group of explorers make a board game that would best be described as a cross between Truth or Dare and evil Game of Jumanji complete with question cards, game pieces and dice.  The theme of the game is Pandemonium, the mythical world of the Pans and seductive nymphs which serves as a pathway to Heaven or Hell.

Present day… Nine friends go to a Maine cabin on an island and stumble across this board game.  The nine friends include Kathy (Danielle Harris; Hatchet, Friday the 13th, Halloween), Veronique (Mircea Monroe; The Change-Up, Magic Mike), Renee and Erica (Electra and Elise Avellan; Grindhouse: Planet Terror and Death Proof, Machete, Machete Kills), and Pete (Robert Patrick; True Blood, Terminator 2: Judgment Day) serves as the local horror harbinger.

“Oh, look. The game instructions are written on this scroll.  Not weird at all.”

When played, this ancient game brings out the worst in its players as they take turns answering uncomfortably provocative personal questions. They do so with such uncharacteristic honesty, that it generates a lot of animosity.  They start having supernatural visions and the game board starts moving on its own, but nobody notices that anything weird is going on.  For reasons neither known nor explained, these twenty-somethings become possessed by “the Pandemonium” of the game and start killing each other.

There are various degrees of being possessed in this movie.  Possessed (above), black evil eye possessed (below), and…

REALLY effin’ demon-horned possessed!

And bleeding-eye identical twin possessed.

The special effects aren’t much, featuring a “Pan monster” that looks like a man with a giant animatronic goat head and glowing red eyes.  And attempts at jump scares lack effective enough transitions to elicit fright.  But “scaring us” doesn’t seem to be the filmmakers’ goal…making us smile, however, does.  As such we find that they do have some fun with the gore–they really celebrate it.  Danielle Harris’ death scene was definitely my favorite.

“Wait…I die in this?”

“Oh no, Danielle Harris. I must have made a wrong turn. I’m actually looking for Allison Lohman so I can drag her to Hell with my Lamia-lookin’ ass.  But while I’m stuck on this random BFE island in Maine I’ll guess I’ll make a night of it.”

The acting isn’t exactly strong, but is above average for a horror movie of such limited release (400 theaters for a single weekend).   But this movie is fun and good for an uncritical, light-hearted evening among horror fans.

MY CALL:  The only reason to watch this would be for your love of gratuitous nudity.  As an entertaining sword and sorcery movie, this fails on all account except for having nudity. There are no monsters, magic, rituals, sacrifices, legends, journeys, sinister plans or any of that.  Basically just medieval boobage.  MOVIES LIKE Barbarian Queen:  Like all the fantasy but don’t care for all the “bad”?  Let’s try Legend (1985), Beastmaster (1982), Conan the Barbarian (1982), Conan the Destroyer (1984) or Willow (1988) on for size.  Like the “bad”?  How about Flash Gordon (1980), Kull the Conqueror (1997), Krull (1983), Conquest (1983), Deathstalker (1983) and Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987).  All of these movies are better than Barbarian Queen in every possible way except for amply breast-filled minutes of screen time.

Okay, listen.  I expected nudity–fine.  Any R-rated fantasy adventure movie is going to have it.  As I guy, I often…ummm…don’t mind it.  But I thought I was in for a cheap rip-off of Red Sonja (1985), which was released the same year.  What I got was a bit much and not in the manner I prefer.  In the spirit of exploitative classiness, this movie opens with sexual assault.  Thankfully, the scene is not followed through and is more insinuated than anything.  But rape seems to be something of a theme in this movie.

Amethea (Lana Clarkson; Deathstalker, Barbarian Queen II, The Haunting of Morella) and Prince Argan (Frank Zagarino; Waxwork II: Lost in Time, Cyborg Cop III) are getting married today.  But when their village is attacked by the bad guy (I never caught his name), the wedding is forcibly postponed.  Many of the villagers are killed, Taramis (Dawn Dunlap; Forbidden World) is captured, and Argan is taken captive.  There are also several incidents of sexual assault mid-battle. REALLY?  In the middle of a chaotic sword fight?  Thankfully this rapists gets his in the form of Amethea’s sword up his ass.

Why is it that sword and sorcery movies always include sexual assault?  Nude sorceress?  Fine.  Maybe the magic works better without the constrictions of cloth.  Nude cultists?  Fine.  Maybe their God wants them humble or pure or something.  Nude slaves?  Fine.  Can’t hide a weapon or steal very easily when you’re naked.  Nude sex scene?  Also fine for obvious reasons.  We like it when our heroes are “rewarded” for their dangerous adventuring.  But sexual assault?  Could you really find no other good reason to fit some bare breasts in this movie?  I just rattled off quite a few forgivable examples!

Furious over her village’s destruction and her groom’s abduction, Amethea swears that she will reclaim what was taken.  She rescues one her naked captive friends and goes on a man-killing rampage.  These fights are dumb, fun and poorly done.  Amethea and her friend fight a bunch of dudes, the swords appear to be way too heavy for everyone to handle, and the girls throw in some head kicks for good measure.

This movie is all about nudity.  So if you’re a teenager then you’d probably adore this.  Even when the abundance of rape isn’t at play, the filmmakers find a way to include a constant feed of nudity.  For example, there’s an extremely long orgy scene which is cut with other scenes to spread it out.  There’s also a naked torture scene (which, based on Amazon reviews, is largely cut in the R-rated version–from the unrated version).

This movie was so bad.  I never knew the names of most of the characters, and there were a lot of characters that we see consistently throughout the movie.  This may actually be tied for most poorly written sword and sorcery movie ever (tied with Conquest).  The entire plot was that Amethea’s groom and some other villagers were abducted for apparently no reason other than a local tyrant was simply doing tyrant things that day and he happened to come across their village.  Then Amethea goes to rescue them.  That’s it.  That’s everything.  There’s no special magical relic or sword or talisman, there’s no ritual or sacrifice, there’s no magic or monsters of any sort, there’s no legend or journey about, and there’s no sinister villainous plan.  Just a smash and grab job answered by another smash and grab job with an orgy, a naked torture scene…generally just a sea of gratuitous nudity in between the beginning and end.

I guess I smiled enough to say you could enjoy this movie with a few friends and a case of beer.  But just to clarify, guy friends only and very strong beer.  Given all the nudity and the media of their presentation you could probably come up with a very inappropriate drinking game to celebrate this movie while developing liver disease.

MY CALL:  The filmmakers really went for it with their low budget making a worthy vampire movie with plenty of mood and diverse effects.  MOVIES LIKE Subspecies:  Subspecies II-IV (1993-1998).

No. Not Amadeus. That’s the vampire king.

Banished by his father, King Vladislav (Angus Scrimm; Phantasm I-IV, Wishmaster, Munchie, Chopping Mall), Radu (Anders Hove; Subspecies II-IV, Critters 4) has returned to dethrone Vladislav and claim his birthright, the bloodstone–a relic that drips the blood of saints.

Since we can’t have a vampire movie without victims, Michele (Laura Mae Tate; Dead Space) and Lillian come to visit their Romanian friend Mara to study the local history and arrangements have been made for them to stay in a fortress conveniently near Radu’s dilapidated castle.  The fortress’ stern caretaker Karl (Ivan J. Rado; Puppet Master II, Mac and Me) reveals the vampiric history of the stronghold.

Dude, that guy has like…a daddy longlegs for a hand!

Also staying in the fortress, a handsome young zoologist (Stefan) is cataloguing the local nocturnal animal life of the region.  Hmmmm…I’m seeing a connection here.  Stefan catches the girls’ eye and we learn he has close ties to the castle, the caretaker and even Radu.  Naturally, there is a romantic link between Stefan and one of the girls whom Radu also fancies.

Stefan: “Annnnnnd I call dibs on the short-haired chick!”

Radu: “I saw her first, bro!”
Stefan: “Whatever! Come at me, bruh!”

Numerous vampire movie staples highlight the lack of originality in the story.  The protagonists encounter a friend who has been turned into a vampiric enemy, there’s an important relic, a birthright, a vampire hunter, a family history, and Radu basically wants to create The Brides of Dracula…but I enjoyed this B+ movie nonetheless.  Bad acting and all.  One neat bit of flavor was the vampires’ ability to move “through” shadows.

Director Ted Nicolaou (Terror Vision, Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys) really went for it with Subspecies.  To capture the Transylvanian mood, a bit more effort than expected went into scoring this DTV film with some culturally appropriate instruments and gothic choral music.

Considering the low budget, the filmmakers went to considerable effort to illustrate a range of effects and light gore (largely blood; some dismemberment).  Radu breaks off his fingertips which then ooze and writhe on the floor until transforming into miniature demons (considered to be the “subspecies”) animated with poor CGI-like green screened claymation (but maybe back in 1991 it was okay).  Thankfully, later scenes utilize some stop-motion claymation “on set” to bring these little Hellspawn to life.  I liked them.

ABOVE: An example of the green screened demons, over color-corrected.
BELOW: Better Claymation demons.

Radu is the real deal.  He cares not for romance like Bram Stoker’s Dracula or the annoyingly sparkling Edward, nor blending into society’s upper class like Anne Rice’s Lestat.  Quite the opposite.  His villainy is hammed up and narcissistic, he’s far from handsome, sleek or glittery, and he drools a lot.  Radu’s make-up is interesting, mixing Bram Stoker ‘s undead eccentric with the monstrous Nosferatu.  He has irregularly long fingers, a powder pale complexion, and a gaunt unflattering face with ever-visible fangs.  His movements are rigid, lending credence to his cold, dead body.  His fingers, by the way, are SO impractically long!  He can neither make a fist nor properly grip things yet somehow he engages in a loose-gripped sword fight.  I have no clue how he’d maintain his home without his little servants.  How would he even get dressed?

Look at those fingers…what can you do with them?

RANT SIDEBAR:  The only thing that confused me about this movie was the title: Subspecies.  Are Radu’s little fingerling monsters the subspecies, or are vampires the subspecies?  It would make more sense that vampires be a subspecies of human given the actual meaning of the word subspecies.  However, I don’t recall the term subspecies or any comparisons between mankind, vampires or the demons as biological groups.  Various reviewers and Wikipedia rather convincingly reveal that Radu’s minions are, in fact, the subspecies.  But if that’s true, why on Earth would you name the movie after the creatures a vampire’s broken off fingertips turn into?  They don’t even play a major role in the movie.  That would be like calling Total Recall (1990) “Bug-eyed Quaid”, “Asphyxiating Aliens”, “The Three-Breasted Hooker”, “Johnny Cab Inferno” or “Five Kids to Feed.”  You see what I’m getting at here?  Perhaps this subspecies issue will be more transparent in parts II-IV (1993-1998) or the spinoff Vampire Journals (1997).  [END RANT]

The ending offers multiple outlets for an obvious sequel and there are several.

Overall I enjoyed this.  It’s a B-movie, but the filmmakers kept things serious and really tried to make the most of their budget.  I’d say their efforts showed and paid off!  See for yourself.

Why are there zombie hands holding her down?  There are no zombies in this movie!  And hey, classy artwork, by the way.

MY CALL:  Ridiculous and sleazy, this had such an unreasonable amount of gratuitous sex in the first 30 minutes that I had to be periodically reminded that this was, indeed, a horror movie!  MOVIES LIKE Evils of the Night:  Nope.  I’ve got nothing.

Written and directed by Mohammed Rustam (Eaten Alive, Evil Town), this little-known tasteless horror has a rather grindhouse plot:  “Sex-hungry teens are kidnapped by auto mechanics, who take them to a rural hospital run by aliens who need their blood as the key to their own longevity.” [--IMDB]

From minute one of this classy film four teenagers are stripping down and doing drugs.  It gets a bit raunchier than we’re used to for a horror movie sex scene.  But before officially shifting to latenight Cinemax status they are abducted and taken to a hospital run by lesbian alien nurses dressed in uniforms like some extras from the original Star Trek series.  They have power rings that shoot lasers to zap the occasional escapee.  These ring-zapping lesbian nurses are led by Julie Newmar (Deep Space, Oblivion), Tina Louise (The Stepford Wives) and John Carradine (The Nesting, The Howling, The Sentinel, Buried Alive).

I know, right? Direct nipple shot!

How did they clear out that entire hospital?  And what happens when an ambulance brings trauma victims to the emergency room?  Do they just say “oh well, let’s try another hospital where there are people”?

By minute ten we meet our next group of bikini-clad teens engaging in nude sunbathing, lesbian sun lotion application, underage drinking, carefree promiscuity and general shenanigans.  Perhaps pushing the T’n'A standards a bit too far, we’ve seen at least five pairs of breasts and two full frontals within about 30 minutes.  Skin is getting a lot of screen time.  I’m actually starting to feel guilty for watching this.  You know, like any minute my mom might walk in and catch me watching this smut.  Thankfully, after about 40 minutes this smut-fest ends and this becomes a standard entertaining B-horror with a mind-numbingly stupid plot.

These aliens came really unprepared.  This is how they hold their victims until they drain their blood.  Mexican kidnappers are more industrious than this!

The teen abductions are undertaken by a couple mechanics (Neville Brand of Without Warning; Aldo Ray) with chloroform.  For some reason the aliens chose the most inept possible goons to do their dirty work.  We learn that the aliens need victims specifically between 16-24 years old, perhaps aiming for sexually active youngsters, in order to drain their blood to prolong their lives.

Okay.  Hold on a minute now.  So they cast five porn stars (FIVE!), John Carradine and Julie Newmar, but this is the best they could come up with for casting the goons.  On another note, why did these aliens hire two auto mechanics to do their dirty work?  It seems that their lesbian nurses with power rings would have done just fine!  FML!  This movie makes no sense.

The sex scenes really push the envelope.  I won’t go into carnal detail.  There is one love scene that is deliberately scored romantically for two simultaneous sex scenes, one of which is tender, the other of which (featuring porn stars Jerry Butler and Amber Lynn) is straight up Discovery Channel raunchy!  No surprise considering that a total of five porn stars were cast in this movie (including Crystal Breeze, Shone Taylor, Jody Swafford).

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

The death scenes rarely feature any blood or gore and aren’t very thoughtful.  Capitalizing on the use of a high pressure air hose, however cool it could have been, was sadly squandered in brevity.  But one scene involving someone’s shoelaces being tied together and a descending mechanic’s car lift made me smile.  Speaking of failed effects, at one point a mechanic is shot in the neck with a laser by a spaceship in Earth’s orbit.  WHAT?!?!

Alien #1:  “Betcha’ I can shoot that dude with the laser from here.”
Alien #2: “You’re on!”

Oh, by the way, that laser shot from space to the neck.  THE END!  Yep.  That was how they ended the movie!  WTF!?!?!

PURE NONSENSE!

I guess I was entertained by this movie.  I laughed a lot.  Sometimes because I was semi-uncomfortable and sometimes because this flick is just batshit crazy stupid.

MY CALL:  This sequel sees a most welcome upgrade in effects and a small loss in character credibility, but it still does justice to the franchise.  MOVIES LIKE Subspecies II:  Other pseudoromantic monster movies include Subspecies (1991), Subspecies III-IV (1994-1998), Dark Angel: The Ascent (1994) and Bleeders (1997).  SIDEBAR:  This was filmed back to back with Subspecies III, which follows in the spirit of the franchise by picking up exactly where this movie ends.

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the Bloodstone, after which this sequel is named.
Ooooh…Aaaaaaah.

Michelle narrates as this sequel picks up immediately where Subspecies left off:  fledgling vampire vixens lay dead on the ground beside Radu’s beheaded body (Anders Hove; Subspecies, Subspecies III-IV, Critters 4).

Director Ted Nicolaou (Subspecies, Terror Vision, Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys) has stepped up his game.  Right away the effects seem to have graduated from the already impressive (i.e., on a low budget) Subspecies.  The claymation of Radu’s subspecies minions is green-screened more subtly and their movements are more ambitious as, for example, two of the diminutive demons work together to remove the wooden stake from Radu’s chest.  As Radu’s head reattaches itself we find much more elaborate effects and creative gore than previously seen.  A la The Thing (1982), arterial tendrils whip from his detached head and affix themselves to his body.  As they drag his head into place is spinal cord extends outward to receive it.  Already I’m impressed!

But wait, there are more new effects hailing scare-tastic fun.  When Radu slays his sleeping brother (who defeated him in a the end if Subspecies), we watch as Stefan’s face sinks into a fleshy slimy mess with exsanguination.  We also enjoy more creative depictions of Radu’s “shadow gliding” ability (which allows him to quickly move “through” interconnecting shadows).

Evidently when you become a vampire you look like an entirely different actress.

Just a reminder. This movie is about that thing.

Replacing Laura Mae Tate (Dead Space, Subspecies), Denice Duff (Subspecies III-IV, Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation) assumes the role of now-vampire Michelle, who was turned by Stefan in the end of Subspecies.  Escaping the castle with the bloodstone and slowly learning what it means to be a vampire, Michelle turns to her sister Becky (Melanie Shatner; The Alien Within, Subspecies III, Star Trek V) for help.  Meanwhile Radu turns to his “Mummy” (Pamela Gordon; Weird Science, Poltergeist II, Subspecies III, Alien Nation), a crone-like ghoul akin to an unwrapped mummy that is hungry for the bloodstone.

Mummy: “Where’s the Bloodstone?”
Radu: “My…ummmm…girlfriend’s got it.”

Embassy representative Mel (Kevin Spirtas; Friday the 13th Part VII, The Hills Have Eyes Part II, Subspecies III) and local Romanian Lt. Marin (Ion Haiduc; Subspecies III-IV, Dark Angel: The Ascent, Mimic: Sentinel) try to help Becky find her sister.  They then team up with occult history Professor Popescu (Michael Denish; Subspecies III-IV, Vampire Journals) and visit the fortress where Michelle was staying (in Subspecies).  Whereas the effects in this sequel are far superior to the original, these characters (including our female leads Becky and Michelle) just aren’t as strong as the protagonists in part 1.  They don’t carry the scenes well and often they don’t seem confident enough for their roles.  Only in the final scene do Michelle and Becky find the strength to fight Radu.  Understandably, Michelle spent much of the story suffering from her transition to vampirism and the associated urges.  But I just feel too much of this movie’s running time was filled with unconfident characters.

Here’s another issue.  The franchise is called Subspecies yet we only see the subspecies demons in the opening scene.  This sequel is called Bloodstone yet the Bloodstone seems to play really no more major part in this sequel than in the original (or part 3, FYI).

Oh, no wait.  Mummy’s looking at the Bloodstone.  So…this movie “is” about the Bloodstone?

The movie seems to focus just as much on Radu’s little crush on Michelle.

Accordingly, the finale is not as powerful as part 1.  Yes, Radu is again defeated and yes, there’s some blood, some fire and a lot of stabbing.  But it’s nothing special and has nothing as cool as the decapitation or “chandelier death” of the original.  Maybe it’s not fair to compare it to the fantastic effects and gore of the opening scene, or maybe they just didn’t try as hard because Subspecies III was filmed back to back with this and they never put much thought into a “big ending” (as they clearly did for Subspecies), already being obviously aware that this was not “the end.”  If that’s the case, then part 3 better have one Hell of a finale!

In either case, I very much enjoyed this and, as I’d advise you, I watched Subspecies III immediately after this for the sake of story continuity.  So enjoy and stay tuned for my review of Subspecies III: Bloodlust.

MY CALL:  Deliberately stupid movie about slimy little monster fetuses and the greedy wealthy eccentrics that collect them.  MOVIES LIKE Hideous!:  Other fun little ensemble monster movies include Puppet Master (1989), Ghoulies (1985) and Seed People (1992).

Directed/produced by Charles Band (Puppet Master, Dark Angel: The Ascent, Ghoulies, Netherworld) and written by Benjamin Carr (Thirteen Ghosts, Retro Puppet Master, Curse of the Puppet Master), our story begins at a sewage plant where we learn of the occasionally discovered deformed fetuses that represent the theme of this campy little jaunt.

Run by Belinda and her assistant Elvina, International Medical Specimens Inc. specializes in selling these abominations.  Dr. Lorca (Demonic Toys: Personal Demons, Cemetery High) and his oft-nearly naked assistant Sheila (Jacqueline Lovell; The Killer Eye, Femalien, Head of the Family) feel betrayed knowing that she is instead brining coveted specimens to Lorca’s competition Napoleon Lazar (Mel Johnson Jr.; Total Recall).  Lorca’s darkly colored wardrobe, his sex toy of an assistant and his over-the-top villainous demeanor all intentionally paint him in melodrama that is only matched by his ridiculous lines.

When we meet Napoleon, Belinda showcases her recent acquisition along with a sales pitch demanding a preposterous sum.  Enamored with the “specimen” Napoleon bites.  But in no time Lorca seizes the specimen by force.  So what is this coveted thing? Just another mutant fetus for Lorca to add to his disturbing collection.  This fetus somehow survives formaldehyde-preservation and imbues the other three preserved medical oddities in Lorca’s collection with life-and they escape.

They look a little like Sonic, Kuato and Swamp Thing.

Seeking to reclaim his property, Napoleon brings Belinda, Elvina and a hired detective to Lorca’s castle.  Once Napoleon (and Lorca) discover that the oddities are no longer in their jars accusations run wild and Sheila triggers an alarm, sealing the castle and trapping everyone inside until they have found Lorca’s specimens.  Little do they know that the hideous fetuses are alive and well.

So they (ABOVE) are trapped with them (BELOW).

ABOVE: He looks like Kuato’s cousin from Total Recall!
BELOW: More like an undead PopTart.

These little latex monsters are a lot like Ghoulies.  They make similar sounds, they’re somehow always slimy and they each have their own distinct look–one of them looks like an undead Pokémon Sonic the Hedgehog.  When all of our greedy human characters first meet these monsters they literally bargain with them (they can’t speak, but understand English just fine and can even write–of course).  Lorca and Napoleon vie for their trust, promising them a nice home and a fine life.  But things naturally go bad and it ends up being humans versus mutants.

Lunacy abounds in this film.  An example of some of the finely written scenes include a topless Sheila in a gorilla mask mugging Napoleon in the middle of Winter.  In fact, Sheila is always either topless or wearing an open leather vest with no bra and leather spanks–very classy, always slinking around like the house mother of a vampire brothel.  There’s a scene in which one of the monsters gets a little fresh with Elvina while she’s sleeping–also quite tasteful.  Oh, and there’s a sword duel between Lorca and Napoleon complete with a random rhyming cheers from Sheila.

Yup. That’s Sheila for you. Actually actress Jacqueline Lovell has done a lot of softcore adult films. So this is actually more than she’s used to in the wardrobe department.

Hungry, little guy?

Nothing about this movie is taken seriously.  It is not only overly hammed up, but there are some deliberately stupid/funny lines, making this nonsense far from critically acclaimed but rather entertaining.  Just keep your expectations low and it should be fine to kill a Sunday afternoon.

MY CALL:  Overall a fun watch for fans of the franchise, but it’s lost a good bit of the joie de vive that fueled part 2 and made part 1 a breakthrough DTV film.  MOVIES LIKE Subspecies III:  Hopefully you saw Subspecies (1991) and Subspecies II (1993), and perhaps Subspecies IV (1998).  For more pseudoromantic monster movies try Dark Angel: The Ascent (1994) and Bleeders (1997).  SIDEBAR:  This was filmed back to back with Subspecies II, which follows in the spirit of the franchise by picking up exactly where this movie ends.

Michelle’s sister Becky (Melanie Shatner; The Alien Within, Subspecies III, Star Trek V) narrates as this sequel picks up immediately where Subspecies II left off:  After defeating Radu (Anders Hove; Subspecies I-IV, Critters 4), Becky must wait until dark to escape with her vampire sister Michelle (Denice Duff; Subspecies II-IV, Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation), who is abducted in the final moments by Radu’s “Mummy” (Pamela Gordon; Weird Science, Poltergeist II, Subspecies II, Alien Nation), a crone-like ghoul akin to an unwrapped mummy.

While not holding a candle to the AMAZING opening scene of Subspecies II, Bloodlust opens with a brief, concerted effort at delivering some gore, wincing wrist slicing and face stabs to get us excited in this sequel’s opening.  During this scene, Mummy resurrects Radu and the two of them steal Michelle away because, evidently, Michelle and Radu are to be bound together forever.  That’s Radu’s idea anyway.

It’s a little early in your relationship to be giving her family heirlooms.  Especially when the former owner, your Mummy, is still alive and doesn’t want to give it up!  I don’t care if she is 1000 years old.

Yup. Radu, you need to slow your roll. It’s clear you’re way more into this relationship than she is.

Bro, watching her sleep like that…not helping.

“Why won’t you love me?”

With little contribution from Lt. Marin (Ion Haiduc; Subspecies II-IV, Dark Angel: The Ascent, Mimic: Sentinel), Becky and embassy representative Mel (Kevin Spirtas; Friday the 13th Part VII, The Hills Have Eyes Part II, Subspecies II) continue to try to save Michelle for the entire second act of the movie.  This portion of the story is slow, unexciting, and hardly informative–it just drags.  Meanwhile Mummy whispers poison in Radu’s ear in hopes that he’ll destroy Michelle instead of weaning her away from her ties to mortality.  Ignoring the classic adage that “evil witch vampire Mummy knows best,” Radu teaches Michelle to focus her heightened senses, move through the shadows and hunt human prey.

The best part of this movie was when we were finally rid of this worthless character (Marin).

Normally these vampire tutoring/self-realization scenes are great (e.g., Interview with a Vampire, We Are the Night ). But they are just okay and mostly serve to convey Michelle’s eventual disgust for this kind of life.

Mummy gets a of screen time and action in this movie–plus a lot of bickering with her son Radu.  Not that I’m not entertained by this, but it made the movie feel less serious and more bonkers, much as the undead Toulon did for Puppet Master II (1991).  To that end, the finale didn’t really offer much in the way of action except for Radu’s final moments (which was a cool, but brief death).  I find this to be a shame since Subspecies and the first 10 minutes of Subspecies II (in combination) make for a damn fine piece of work making a B+ movie from a B-budget.

Speaking of bonkers: here Mummy has killed a CIA agent (who dresses like a special ops soldier) armed with a machine gun using her knife.  She brought a knife to a gunfight and won!

As for the story… This entire film was about Radu’s imaginary romance with Michelle, which was never reciprocated, and Michelle’s acclimation to vampirism.  While I understood what the writer/director (Ted Nicolaou) was trying to do, it wasn’t done very effectively.  Moreover the subspecies demons, for which this franchise was named, do not even appear until the final few minutes of this film and the bloodstone, for which part 2 was named, played no bigger role in part 2 than in parts 1 or 3.

Part 3 is still overall a fun watch, but it’s lost a good bit of the joie de vive that fueled part 2 and made part 1 a breakthrough DTV film.  I’m sorry to say that director Ted Nicolaou (Subspecies I-II, Terror Vision, Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys) lost the inertia that started this franchise so powerfully.

MY CALL:  A not so classic, Roger Corman sea monster installment that is NOT worth anyone’s time.  MOVIES LIKE Up from the Depths:  Demon of Paradise (1987), Humanoids from the Deep (1980), Piranha (1978) and Piranha II: The Spawning (1982).

Roger Corman sure does like to ruin a fine day at the beach doesn’t he?  Demon of Paradise (1987), Humanoids from the Deep (1980), Piranha (1978) and Piranha II: The Spawning (1982) all ruin family vacations by the sea.  Also, for whatever reason, the vacationers never seem to leave after the first few bodies start piling up, do they?

Meet Rachel.  She’s never prepared when people take photos of her.
Here’s her face when she found out how this movie did at the box office.

In this Shakespearian plot, an underwater earthquake releases a man-eating sea monster to terrorize the Hawaiian archipelago.  After a tourist in Hawaii emerges from the water covered in guts and shark heads wash up on the beach, the resort manager assumes his competition is dumping chum in the water to make him look bad in this hokey Jaws rip-off.

Judging by the attitude and the movement of her right arm, I’m guessing she was trying to flash a gang symbol of something.

The resort manager gets Rachel, a resort employee, to investigate the matter.  She turns to Greg for help.  Greg works on a small charter fishing boat.  When they fail to solve the problem, Greg’s fishing boat captain and the resort manager decide to put a bounty on the monster, encouraging even resort guests to band together to kill it with spears and spear guns.  Not sure why, but no one thought about nets and literally fishing for it with high-test line and over-sized hooks off of charter boats.  Seems like a good idea to me.

This face is tough.  I’m guessing she’s thinking something to the tune of “Did I just fart?”

This movie proceeds at a devastatingly slow pace, even more so than normal for this kind of low budget monster movie.  The kills seem few, brief and unexciting, and we almost never see the monster for more than a couple seconds at a time.  When something actually does happen, we never really see anything happen.  Typically all you see is a POV shot of whatever the shark monster is about to bite, then a cloud of blood in the water, followed by a splash where the victim has just disappeared.

MY CALL:  Paced too slow and more dumb than disturbing, yet this attempt at an inbred slasher Deliverance managed to impress me with one redeeming death scene in the finale that I’ll never forget.  MOVIES LIKE Just Before Dawn:  The Burning (1981), The Hills Have Eyes franchise (1977, 1984, 2006, 2007).

Crammed into an RV and heading to some recently inherited land out in the wilderness, the feisty redhead Megan (Jamie Rose; Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town), the worrisome and reserved Constance (Deborah Benson; Ghost Fever), Daniel (Ralph Seymour; Ghoulies), our adventurous tough guy Warren (Gregg Henry; Raising Cain, Slither) and Jonathan (Chris Lemmon; Wishmaster) have set out on a camping outing.

As they make their way in, one of them notes “I wonder why there are so many twins out here.”  I wonder why so many of them look homeless, feral, inbred, hungry and dangerous!  Keeping in pace with horror canon, they naturally pay no mind to the dangerous, unwelcoming-looking local mountain folk and continue on their journey.  Forest Ranger Roy (George Kennedy; Brain Dead, Creepshow 2, Death Ship, The Terror Within) serves as the harbinger, ominously warning the five youngsters away from the mountain suggesting grave consequences but no details.  As if they hadn’t enough red flags waving in their face, they encounter a scared drunkard (Mike Kellin; Sleepaway Camp) whose hunting buddy was killed by an over-sized, wheezy-laughing homicidal man-child.  He warns them not to go on with an intoxicated rant–while, of course, not mentioning the murderous hillbilly or his dead friend.  Again, as if they have no idea they were cast in a slasher/horror movie, they press on and heed not his warnings, passing them off as alcohol-induced lunacy.

I really feel the need to pause here and point out that most backwoods slasher movies begin with one warning sign–for example, dirty inbred mountain people OR a forest ranger’s warning OR a drunk’s warning that gets ignored.  In this case we have all three!  So, that said, I feel that these twentysomethings deserve whatever bloody end they meet.  I’ll also point out that these tenderfoots clearly never camped before, because they try to drive a loaded RV up a root-knobbed mountain trail.  It comes as no surprise when these idiots’ vehicle gets stuck and they must continue on foot.  Sure. Because who’s worried about the local mountain people?  They won’t do anything to the abandoned vehicle!  Later, these fools choose to cross a dubious looking rope bridge–no boards, just rope! It’s just one bad decision after another.

No one saw that coming!

They encounter a young woman in the woods who flees upon their approach.  This, AGAIN, is not a good sign.  It’s weird!  It would make ME nervous.  Later we meet her mountain folk parents who shoot–yes, SHOOT, like with a shotgun–their stereo.  Yet more reasons to not be on this mountain where, by the way, nobody else wants you to be!  Despite all these worrisome warning signs that still go completely ignored, Constance slowly switched gears from being a nervous prude to loosening up a bit.  She dresses more scantily and gets more playful.

The pacing of this film is devastatingly slow.  Hardly anything happens in the first hour and what little that does happen is presented with zero suspense, fright, gore or intensity (except for in the first five minutes when a man is stabbed “through” the pelvis–that was cool).  At about the hour mark the movie shifts gears and our wheezy man-child of a killer becomes more proactive in his twentysomething-killing endeavors.

I know this is a little fuzzy, so I’ll explain. The machete’s exit would is this guy’s butt!

The killer is obese, ugly and childishly simple (clearly mentally retarded from inbreeding) and toys with his victims.  This is meant to be disturbing, I found it weak in execution and really just dumb.  The gore is rare and, typical of the era, the kills are reduced to seeing the victim “after” they’ve been stabbed.  But what makes this entire movie worth it is when, while her boyfriend watches and whimpers, Constance goes toe-to-toe with our killer and literally fists him to death!  This was one of the most memorable slasher movie kills EVER!

Open wide!
This is definitely a contender for the “most bonkers kill of the 80s.”

I’d say horror collectors should go for it and watch this.  If you own fewer than a few hundred horror movies, you probably won’t have the patience for this yet.